Can you be friends with your ex? Here are clear signs you can—and can't
You just broke up with an important person in your life—would you consider being friends with them or would you rather turn into complete strangers?
Karylle recently made the rounds on social media when she was asked whether she's open to the possibility of being friends with her ex-boyfriend Dingdong Dantes. “I don’t know if ‘friends’ is the word,” she said in an interview on Fast Talk with Boy Abunda. “I would imagine, being people in the same industry, we could support each other. The friendship, I don’t think, is in the cards anymore.”
Sarah (not her real name), who is in her late 30s, was with someone for nine years and even got engaged before they broke up and called it off. They didn’t maintain a friendship afterwards.
“In my experience, it wasn’t possible [to stay friends],” she told PhilSTAR L!fe. “We never had any real closure, and he moved on right away. At that point, there didn’t seem to be any reason to hold on to a friendship. Some things are just better left in the past.”
It may be difficult, though, if you belong to the same social circle. Kathy (not her real name), who's in her early 20s, was with her ex for nearly three years. After they broke up, they found themselves occasionally attending the same events.
“When we do end up at the same event, we ignore each other completely. It’s funny and a little awkward, but I think it’s for the best for both of us,” she said.
"When somebody is a part of your life for as long, as prominently, as deeply as this person had been part of mine, it’s hard to imagine trying to go back to any semblance of 'friendship'—in cases like mine, where things became complicated and honestly kind of sad towards the end, being friends doesn’t really seem like something that could be plausible. Sometimes the best thing you can be for your ex after a relationship ends is [to stay] far out of their life," she said.
Can you truly be friends with an ex?
How to know you can actually keep the friendship
Before venturing into the friend zone with an ex, there are some signs that show you're both ready.
You have no problem with moving on
“You can be friends with an ex if you don’t have a problem with moving on from a relationship,” said relationship expert Alicia Serrano. You have to be able to imagine yourself and your ex being with other people, and feel sincerely happy for each other.
Friendship is a possibility “if both parties are emotionally mature, and [if both] put a premium on the quality of friendship built,” added clinical psychologist Wenna Brigaste.
You see friendship as an end goal
It's also possible if you see being friends as the end goal, per Serrano. “A desire to stay just friends is a good indicator that you can be friends.
If you can answer “yes” to keeping them in your life, then you’re ready to be friends. “Can you interact with your ex outside of how you know them as a romantic partner?” she pointed out.
That is, do you have common interests outside of your former romance? Can you truly hang out with each other without thinking of “what if” scenarios? Yes? Then go ahead and make a fist bump.
Your breakup was a mutual decision
Brigaste said a broken-up couple can try friendship “if the breakup was mutually and respectfully decided upon, if it was amicable and both can at least be civil with each other, and if there are no painful and chaotic experiences involved.”
The foundation of your relationship is friendship
It may follow that after the romance fizzles out, the relationship can revert back to its original state.
“This usually works for people who have a lot of things in common with their ex and have been friends with their ex longer than they were in a relationship,” said Serrano. “They also see their ex as a good person and want to keep this person in their life.”
A good example would be a couple of friends who try to have a go at romance only to find out that they work better as friends.
“Apart from this, many exes stay friends because they have shared commitments outside of the relationship,” added Serrano.
Signs that say, 'We can never be friends'
Sometimes, the best thing to do with an ex is to keep them out of your life. The following red flags will tell you the same.
You are not on the same page about the level of your friendship
It's best to stay away if this is the case.
“The ability to be truly just friends with an ex is rooted in being happy in that friendship. You cannot see friendship as a consolation prize if you intend to stay friends with an ex and truly mean it,” said Serrano.
You can't see yourself or your ex being happy with someone else
A friendship with an ex is a bad idea if you “don’t like imagining yourself or your ex being happy with other people,” said Serrano. “Healthy friendships involve being happy when your friend is in a happy relationship. If you cannot do this for your ex or for yourself, then, chances are, you are not in the position to be just friends with an ex.”
Serrano continued, “Resisting the thought of you and your ex being happy with other people is often rooted in the idea of still being each other’s partners. If this identity of being your ex’s partner and vice versa is still very strong, it typically overtakes any platonic relationship you can have with each other.”
You're not hoping to get back together romantically
Serrano suggested examining your feelings and making sure there are no more hopes of getting back together in a romantic sense.
“Sometimes this works, but you have to be honest with yourself. There’s a big difference in experience between being friends and using friendship as a way to get back into a relationship,” she said.
Pinning down the purpose for the friendship is important. If it’s to have a sincere platonic relationship, then go for it. But, said Brigaste, don’t do it “if the purpose of being friends is born out of guilt or pity.”
Either or both of you still have unresolved feelings
Better to not try for friendship with each other “if there is still pain and hurt from whatever happened in the relationship,” Brigaste stressed.
You still haven't moved on
According to Serrano, this means you “have a strong tendency to miss being in a relationship with an ex, and would yearn for them romantically.”
She likened it to being on a diet and spending the whole day surrounded by food. “You will likely find yourself fighting the tendency [to break your diet]. A friendship might be too challenging to be sustainable,” she said.
Mutual trust and respect
For Brigaste, it's not always a good idea to stay friends with an ex after a breakup.
She explained that not being friends afterward “may provide much-needed space for moving on and processing the pain, trauma, loss of trust, etc. It may provide opportunities for self-awareness and growth, and exploration of other areas of life that may have been overlooked or pushed back while in the relationship.”
On the other hand, some ex-couples do find their way back to each other as friends, like former married couples who share children. Brigaste pointed out that staying friends for the kids’ sake is as good a reason as any, as long as the friendship is sincere and built on mutual trust and respect.
“Being friends may be good in the sense that [the ex-couple] can keep the bond of friendship (or could effectively co-parent),” she said. “But at some point, it can also be disadvantageous for the purpose of moving forward in the relationship. Boundaries may be difficult to set if both will have new partners already—it can be a cause of misunderstanding.”
