The case for staying single in your early 20s
Your early 20s are really confusing, since it’s when life pivots. We were just kids doing high school projects and research defenses, and in a snap, we’re trying to get our first valid IDs that somehow require another valid ID. We balance studies, work, and sometimes even partying. We can feel like wild lions coming out of our cages. We start discovering ourselves, especially the parts of us constrained by having to always ask for permission.
But as clichéd as it sounds, everyone’s an independent girlboss until 10 p.m. hits. When we lie in bed, we overthink our status in life, the friends we have, and the romantic relationships we don’t. As someone who never had a boyfriend, not even in high school, of course I’m curious about what it would be like. Not because I deeply crave it, but because it feels like something everyone else has already explored.
The curiosity grows when relatives ask, “May boyfriend ka na?” every time I go back to the province. The thought lingers more when my friends are suddenly unavailable because they’re spending time with their partners. It reminds me of memes that say, “Bente ka na, kinikilig ka pa sa crush,” as if there’s a deadline for these feelings. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if the curiosity is truly mine or just shaped by everything around me.
When we imagine a potential partner, we think of specifics: someone creative with their own hobbies and work, who’s calm in communication and thoughtful in speech. Of course I’ve had my fair share of crushes. Some feelings faded easily, some were just eye candy, while some, well, were silently shelved. Nothing serious. I imagine what a relationship with them would look like, but I never feel the urge to make a move.
Eventually, I met someone who fits the standards I once casually listed in my head: a person who listens in a way that makes it clear my words didn’t just pass through them. Whenever I struggle to open my bottle, they reach for it instinctively. When I tie my shoes and leave my bag on a damp bench, they pick it up without a word and carry it. When we order a new drink and I realize I don’t like mine, they offer to switch with theirs, even if it’s their favorite. They give me the crispy Chickenjoy balat because they know I prefer it with the warm rice.
There were no dramatic gestures, but there was the thoughtfulness that showed up in small moments most people overlook.
With all honesty, these kinds of situations would put me on the spot. The hesitation would always be overpowering. It confused me at first, because I’m not the kind of person who runs away from things. I do business. I take exams even when I haven’t fully studied for them. I say yes to school positions even when I feel like I’m not enough. I step into spaces that scare me all the time.
So why was this different?
I don’t want to enter something meaningful when I know my focus is still centered on becoming.
I realize I may be brave in many areas of my life, but right now, my courage is directed somewhere else. I’ve been working hard to build the life I have, and I’m enjoying this phase of it. I’ve been exploring many hobbies on my own, and I realized how much I value the space to grow at my own pace. I value the stability, growth, and sense of self I’m developing.
A romantic relationship deserves time, emotional presence, and consistency. It’s not just feelings. It’s choosing someone alongside everything else you’re building. And right now, my energy is deeply invested in my work, studies, and personal goals. I’m still learning who I am without the expectations I grew up with. I’m still shaping my routines, my priorities, and the life I want. I don’t want to enter something meaningful when I know my focus is still centered on becoming.
Choosing not to enter a relationship is not linearly related to fear of being in one. You can genuinely want to love and still understand your priorities. Right now, I recognize that this season of my life is centered on myself. I’m in my early 20s. I want this chapter to be about me and investing in myself. Overthinking whether I’m ready for a relationship is already an answer that I’m not.
In your early 20s, you’ll meet someone who fits the standard. It’s important to assess whether this is a season for partnership or personal growth. Bravery extends beyond pursuing someone. It is not just about holding another person’s hand. There is also bravery in learning to hold your own.
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