Should you say sorry to your kids after a fight? Here's why it matters

Why do some parents find it hard to apologize to their kids?

Psychologist May Malabanan-Fernando, who focuses on parenting and family support, explained that some parents struggle to apologize to their kids because they fear it may undermine their authority or make them appear weak.

"In some families, this mindset has been passed down from generation to generation. There is an established belief that older family members are always the authority and that younger members should simply follow and obey," she told L!fe.

Clinical psychologist Mikko De Vera echoed this, adding that parents may find it hard because they are repeating the parenting patterns they grew up with and learned to see as normal.

"We need to understand that authority and accountability are not opposites. A parent does not lose respect by admitting a mistake. In fact, doing so can strengthen a child's trust," he underscored.

How does saying sorry affect children?

De Vera explained to L!fe that parents teach accountability by example, showing children the value of humility, empathy, and taking responsibility for their mistakes.

"They deserve the apology. Children are not simply individuals who must follow authority. Rather, they are persons whose feelings and experiences deserve acknowledgment," he said, adding that doing so also helps kids repair emotional connections.

"A healthy parent-child relationship is not one without conflict, but one where both can reconnect after conflict," he added.

Malabanan-Fernando stressed that saying sorry is not a matter of age, but of humility.

"When parents know how to apologize to their children, they teach them that home is a safe space where admitting mistakes does not automatically lead to punishment. Instead, it encourages understanding, acceptance, and accountability," she explained.

"By doing so, parents also serve as role models. Children learn that it is okay to make mistakes, but it is equally important to acknowledge them and take responsibility for their actions, even when those mistakes are unintentional," Malabanan-Fernando said.

How to genuinely say sorry

Both psychologists advised parents to avoid apologies that shift blame or make excuses for their actions. Malabanan-Fernando stressed that parents should sincerely acknowledge their mistakes rather than apologize merely because they hurt their child or want to end the conflict.

"Children’s responses are influenced by how they interpret and perceive the words and actions of their parents," she said.

Malabanan-Fernando advised against saying sorry with the following statements:

• "You’re too emotional. Para 'yun lang?” – This dismisses kids' feelings and makes them feel invalidated.
•  "Ikaw kasi!” – This shifts the blame to the child instead of acknowledging the parent’s actions.
• "I’m sorry if you got hurt.” – This makes the child’s emotions seem to be the problem rather than recognizing the hurt caused.
• "I’m the parent here. I have the right to get angry.” – This uses parental authority to justify behavior that may have caused emotional distress.
• "I already said sorry, and yet you’re still mad?” – By saying this, you expect your children to immediately get over their feelings after an apology.

"We need to understand that an apology does not automatically erase the hurt. Children should be given time and space to process their feelings. We cannot dictate how quickly they should recover emotionally simply because we have already apologized," Malabanan-Fernando said.

A sincere apology, according to De Vera, should be accompanied by behavioral changes. "We should make a conscious effort not to repeatedly commit the same mistakes for which we have already apologized," he added.

The psychologist underscored that apologizing does not undermine parental authority, as parents can still enforce discipline and boundaries while taking responsibility for how they handled a situation.

"We can preserve Filipino values such as paggalang sa nakakatanda and family closeness without teaching children that respect means adults are always right," he said.

Malabanan-Fernando emphasized the importance of creating a good home environment for children.

"Remember: We are not raising children who are afraid to tell us when we hurt them," she stressed. "We are raising children who feel safe enough to express their emotions, knowing that their parents are willing to listen, acknowledge their feelings, accept responsibility, and make things right."

What does it mean to be a good parent? Watch the full Generations episode below as Vargas, Zillennial dad Alec Cuenca, and hosts Luchi Cruz-Valdes, Abi Marquez, and Raco Ruiz share their thoughts on parenting—from breaking generational patterns and taking accountability to building healthy parent-child relationships.