What does gaslighting in a relationship look like and how do you shut it down?

Are you being gaslit in your relationship?

Back in 2022, "gaslighting" was Merriam-Webster's word of the year as the term rose amid conversations on abusive relationships.

The word has made the rounds again in 2025 as actress Ellen Adarna used it as she claimed her husband Derek Ramsay gaslit her to disguise his alleged cheating.

Recently, Britney Spears also called out her ex-husband Kevin Federline's "constant gaslighting" after he made claims about their marriage in his memoir in October.

But what is gaslighting, and what does it look like in relationships?

Psychiatrist Kathryn Tan defines gaslighting in relationships as manipulation or changing the narrative for a partner to doubt one's beliefs, knowledge, and feelings in favor of the perpetrator. 

This can manifest in the form of a partner minimizing the other's feelings or experiences, causing doubt about one's narrative, lying, resulting in the second party losing his or her confidence in recalling a situation.

Relationship expert and psychologist Mezhal Ulao adds that gaslighting leaves you feeling small, confused, and constantly trying to prove something that should’ve been obvious.

"It’s like they twist things just enough that you start wondering, 'Is it me? Am I imagining this?'" Ulao told PhilSTAR L!fe.

How to tell if you are being gaslit

You keep replaying conversations. You're comparing one statement and another to know what is true or not. "'You walk away thinking, 'Wait… did I misunderstand? Or are they changing the story?'" Ulao said.

They deny what you know happened. Tan defines this as being led to second-guessing or being doubtful of oneself. "Like they said something hurtful, and suddenly it’s 'I never said that,” Ulao defined. "Even though you remember every word."

They minimize your feelings. Tan said that a gaslighter calls you "sensitive," "too emotional," or even crazy. For Ulao, it is when "you end up swallowing your emotions instead of expressing them."

You tend to apologize excessively. Ulao defined it as being sorry just to keep the peace, even for things that aren’t your fault. "A lot of blaming coming from the partner. Even the smallest thing, we are terrified to make a mistake," Tan added.

You have low self-esteem. According to Tan, a gaslighter tends to put you down. "You will be less confident in expressing yourself and sticking to your truth."

"You feel confused, drained, or just… off," Ulao said. "Like the relationship is messing with your clarity."

Stopping gaslighting

In the unfortunate case that you are being gaslit, Ulao says that you should trust what you feel.  "If something doesn’t sit right with you, don’t brush it aside," he said. "That uneasy feeling is there for a reason." 

Document your own experiences. Take notes—not to make you paranoid but to keep yourself grounded. "A quick 'This happened today' in your phone can remind you of your own truth," Ulao said.

Apart from writing it down, you can also use pictures and videos as helpful and accessible evidence to a questionable scenario. "It’s gonna be easy to point out that it did actually happen," Tan continued.

Speak up and set your boundaries. Let them know clearly that you're not buying into the manipulation. "Say something simple like: 'Please don’t dismiss my feelings,'" Ulao said.

Talk to someone who isn't in the relationship. This could be a sibling or a friend who can help one snap out of mental fog, said Ulao.

For Tan, an outside perspective from third parties is essential. "Input and observation can help support mga experiences natin," she said.