Pests and party-poopers in family reunions
There are few things more distinctly Filipino than having an excuse to celebrate any or all occasions—from baptisms, graduations, and house blessings to birth and wedding anniversaries and, yes, class and family reunions.
If Pinoys had their way, a celebration would rarely be a simple, exclusive affair. Social media shows how birthday celebrants are feted with all the bells and whistles: fancy props and wall décor, an assortment of birthday cakes, hundreds of well-wishers on Facebook, and the cherished centerpiece—a bountiful buffet.
Reunions are no less celebratory. For sentiment-driven Pinoys, school homecomings evoke memories of those years when we thrived on adolescent crushes, silly campus rivalries, the junior-senior prom, and snippets of youthful melodrama.
Then there are the family reunions, festive gatherings usually initiated and organized by a member who has both the time and the energy to pursue kith and kin and sustain communication with them until the designated date. Thanks to various social media platforms—Viber, Messenger, TikTok, etc.—the event is announced, and invitations are sent, through family group chats. We thus overlook what used to be a feature of such occasions—exclusivity. Potential party-poopers are looped in: the loud and opinionated uncle, the cousin who hogs the karaoke, the niece who brings along her boyfriend, and, heaven forbid, the cousin-in-law who turns the celebration into a heated political discussion.
Perhaps we should remind ourselves that Filipino family reunions are incredibly exciting and joyful precisely because they are casual and a tad intimate. Happy chatter fills the air, and we take genuine delight in renewing ties with rarely seen relatives, especially those who are now based abroad.
Ironically, this same closeness can sometimes make people forget fine reunion party etiquette, which includes respecting boundaries.
Here, let us look at some problematic situations that may spoil the fun at family reunions.
Where do we draw the line?
Q: I’m not a big fan of massive family reunions, favoring a cozy atmosphere where a select number of truly close relatives and family friends enjoy each other’s company. How can I ensure that an invitation to a family reunion clearly expresses this preference for “exclusivity”?
A: As the host of the party, you are in control of the invitation process. A vague statement such as “Come over for our nth family reunion!” can be interpreted differently by different people. One person hears “you and your spouse”; another might take it to mean “bring the entire clan.”
If the gathering is intentionally small, say so clearly: “We’re keeping this event very intimate—just immediate family and a few close relatives.” While some Pinoys may fancy grand family reunions, you may simply want to enjoy the company of cousins you grew up with, the maiden aunts who took care of you when your parents were at work, the extended family who lived in the same compound, or the favorite Titas and Titos who stood as your baptismal or wedding ninangs and ninongs.
For venues with limited seating, restricting the number of guests is especially important.
If someone asks, “Can I bring my friend?” don’t feel obliged to say yes merely because you’re uncomfortable saying no. Simply saying “I wish I could accommodate a few more guests, but we’ve already finalized the number of invitees” is perfectly acceptable. No need for a complicated explanation.
Q: What if someone brings their entire family when only one person was invited?
A: This is where Filipino hospitality can get tested. You prepared food for 25 people. Suddenly, 40 people are standing in your living room. Don’t panic. Feed the unexpected guests if you can. The guests did not necessarily create the problem; the person who invited them did. But you may later speak privately to the person who did it. Say in a nice way: “I was happy to see everyone, but I had planned the menu and seating for a specific number. I hope you understand that you need to check with me before bringing additional guests.”
Q: At a potluck family reunion, what if a guest arrives empty-handed and then complains about the food?
A: Smile. Breathe. And resist the temptation to snap back. Filipino hosts often spend days cleaning the house, preparing food, and making sure everyone will be comfortable. Complaining about the food is therefore particularly insulting. If someone says, “Why don’t you have lechon?” after eyeing the 10 dishes you’ve prepared, simply laugh and say, “Maybe next time! For today, this is what we have.”
I am also reminded of the insensitive guest who waves away food they are offered and says, “Ay, hindi ako kumakain ng fruitcake.” Isn’t that a not-quite-subtle affront to the host?
Criticism that borders on rudeness need not be entertained. A private home is not a restaurant, and the host is not a chef employed to satisfy individual orders. Don’t ask for stuff that is not on the table, like a specific brand of coffee when it is not there. Eat what is offered, appreciate the effort, and save the “food review” for another day.
Q: What should I do about the relative who drinks too much and loses their inhibitions?
A: Don’t confront a drunk person in the middle of the party. Assign a trusted family member to quietly intervene. Offer water and food, and, if necessary, arrange for their ride home. If their behavior becomes aggressive or threatening, forget about being a good host and ensure your safety and that of the other guests. Consider limiting alcohol in future gatherings, or have someone discreetly monitor consumption. Being a good host does not mean allowing one person to ruin the evening for everyone else.
Q: How do I deal with the relative who asks very personal questions like: “Kailan ka mag-aasawa?”, “Bakit wala ka pang boyfriend?”, “Magkano sweldo mo?”, “Tumaba ka!”, “Nagpaplano na ba kayong magka-anak?”
A: Perhaps they don’t mean to be cruel. They may simply be oblivious to boundaries. You can respond with humor: “You’ll know it when The Philippine STAR publishes it.” Or be direct: “I’m keeping that private for now, but thank you for asking.”
You don’t owe anyone information on your salary, relationship status, medical history, reproductive plans, or personal problems just because you happen to share a surname.
Q: What if someone makes an insulting remark about another guest’s appearance?
A: Don’t laugh just to keep the peace. Comments about weight, age, hair, skin, clothing, or appearance are often dismissed as “jokes,” but the person on the receiving end may not find them funny at all. You can gently interrupt: “Let’s not go there.” Or redirect the conversation: “Speaking of which, have you tried that new restaurant near your place? How is it?”
If the offender persists, be more direct: “Let’s keep the conversation respectful.” A little courage from one person can save another from sulking for the rest of the day.
Thankfully, family reunions are mostly feel-good occasions. How wonderful it would be to know that someone you had not seen for ages has kept track of your career!
