Landi 101: Here are the dos and don'ts of flirting, according to dating experts
Valentine's may be over, but landi is forever.
Four days after That Occasion that most singles find abominable, they ought to make a move on Feb. 18 or Flirting Day as this date could be the sign they're looking for.
The word's origins are unknown but according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, "flirt" has been used since 1566, concerning the intransitive verb "flit" (to pass quickly or abruptly from one place to another) and the transitive verb "flick" (to move or propel with a light quick movement).
"Flirt" has also been linked to "conter fleurette," the French phrase for "to woo."
Diksiyonaryo ng Wikang Filipino—which has an online version via diksiyonaryo.ph—also has an entry: "kumilos nang malambing, mapaglaro, at nakatutukso."
The space between strangers and lovers, between once-upon-a-time and happily-ever-after lies that art called "flirting."
While there are no hard and fast rules, dating experts have shared tips on how one may up their flirting game, landi responsibly—and well.
Pre-flirting reminders
Psychologist and relationship coach Mezhal Ulao told PhilSTAR L!fe that flirting is a social skill inasmuch as it's an art form.
As the adage goes, nobody can pour from an empty cup. Ulao noted that individuals must know themselves first and muster enough confidence and self-esteem before they can start flirting with others.
"Confidence and self-esteem are often used interchangeably, but in reality, the former is a skill," she said. "With confidence being a skill, it requires preparation. The more prepared you feel for a task, the more confident you feel about doing it."
Self-esteem, meanwhile, is a deeper aspect that requires soul-searching, according to Ulao.
To build self-esteem, he said one must be able to answer questions like, "Who am I and what are my beliefs and values?" "How do I honor and show up for myself?" "What are the things that make me feel good about myself?" and "Where's my identity anchored on?"
As a skill that can be practiced, Ulao said one's confidence can be improved through the likes of acting workshops and bonding with friends.
Ultimately, it's all about facing life as it is, which sometimes doesn't meet our expectations and cannot be engineered. "So, here also comes the need to be prepared for rejection, which is totally normal," he added.
What not to do while flirting
It usually starts with a simple comment on a post, a reply to a story, or a courageous DM. But Vanessa Antonio, a matchmaker and dating coach, told L!fe that one shouldn't overdo it.
Antonio noted that reward uncertainty, or the idea that recognition may not occur or happen unexpectedly, is something that people crave.
"If you’re always available, there’s no excitement," she said. "Give some space. Let them wonder a little."
Ulao also advised not to do things mindlessly in the name of flirting.
"Being conscientious actually goes a long way [as it] adds points to your attractiveness in the long run," he said.
While pursuing someone takes effort, Antonio cautioned against chasing a person especially if you're the one always initiating.
"You’re taking away the challenge. Attraction is a two-way street. Let them come to you, too," Antonio said.
Ulao also warned against being pushy as it can be tantamount to disrespecting one's boundaries, especially if they've already said no.
As the push-and-pull and the will-they-won't-they situation go on, Antonio reminded those who are making moves not to stay in vague, undefined situations.
She took note of the sunk cost fallacy, an economic principle in which someone refuses to change a course of action due to having much investment—never mind the already overwhelming losses.
"It's what keeps people stuck, thinking, 'I’ve already invested this much, maybe it’ll change.' If they’re not defining the relationship, you define what you will and will not tolerate," she explained.
What to do while flirting
For Ulao, the classic phrase "first impressions last" is something to live by. One has to make a good first impression, be it through their appearance or words.
"How you carry yourself matters. What they see already creates an opportunity to be sized up and that's already half the battle won or lost," he said.
Apart from making a good and lasting first impression, engaging with someone requires work, and effective communication is important.
"Nothing works best than being someone who knows how to actively listen and communicate," he said.
Antonio advised those who ask someone out on a date to pay for the bill on a first date.
For Ulao, one must also know their love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch, acts of service) and adjust in accordance with their desires.
"If it’s words of affirmation, be conversational. If it’s physical touch and quality time, learn to mirror and be receptive. If you're a gift-giver, then offer to buy a drink on your tab," he suggested.
During a date, Antonio also highlighted the power of the eyes in building attraction.
She referred to the so-called triangular gaze, in which a person looks at another person's eye, their other eye, their lips, and back to their eyes.
"It’s subtle, but it builds anticipation," she said. "Science shows this triggers dopamine, which makes the moment feel exciting and intimate."
Flirting also has to be fun and not rigid, according to Antonio.
"Make it playful, not an interview," she said. "Too many people flirt like they’re filling out a job application by asking boring, routine questions."
Antonio recommended teasing someone, as banters keep the energy fun.
"Research shows humor is a huge attraction trigger," she added.
Antonio also suggested mentioning something that they put an effort into. According to her, this is connected to the gain-loss theory, which states that a person tends to be more attracted to someone when they feel they are liked due to something they did.
She noted it's all about praising their effort and not something that's already natural to them. "For example, don't talk about their nice eyes. Talk about how they fixed their hair or did their makeup," she told L!fe. "The line, 'I like what you did right there,' always works."
Antonio also reminded individuals about the self-fulfilling prophecy effect, a phenomenon in which one's expectations lead to actions that fulfill those expectations.
"If you carry yourself like you expect good treatment, people tend to meet that," she said.
At the end of the day, Ulao said authenticity is key.
"Don't try to be someone you're not. It'll be very obvious if you aren't being yourself," he noted. "You definitely don't want to find yourself in an awkward situation."
Ulao emphasized that flirting isn't as straightforward as it seems. "Learning not to be hard on yourself for not knowing how to do it is important," he said. "Know that no one is born how to do it. People who are seemingly good at it have gone through a series of trials and errors."
