10 lessons from turning 40
Trigger warning: This article contains mentions of suicide and abuse.
If Carl Jung’s words are true, then I have definitely earned a PhD. I often joke that I really feel a solid 10 years older than I really am because of the myriad experiences I’ve been through. But the truth is, I’m no different than anyone else. We all have our incredible and unique journeys in life; I’m just grateful that I have had the time and support to reflect, dig deep, and unpack them all.
Here’s a quick summary of who I am at 40. I am the youngest of five children, and born to a very loving family. My parents are in their 80s and my eldest brother is now 61. I was very loved as a child but also spent a lot of time alone. I traveled extensively with my mother and left the home at 18 to live in Paris. I was there for seven years, studying and working. Until I came back to the Philippines almost 15 years ago.
I’ve been a victim of abuse once, contemplated suicide once, had my heart broken thrice and married twice. Life really does begin at 40. Up until then, you are just doing research.
I started writing professionally at 15, became a chef, opened a restaurant, failed at it, and shifted careers at least four times. Writing has always been my constant.
I have been a victim of abuse once. Contemplated suicide once. Been clinically depressed and anxious multiple times in my adult life. I’ve experienced grief over many losses, but I’m currently dreading the grief I will feel when I lose someone dear. I’ve had two incidents of self-harm and countless hours of therapy. I’ve cried oceans.
Thrice I’ve had my heart broken. I was married twice, divorced once and annulled once. I have fallen in love six times in my life. Three of these six occasions I’ve fallen for my soulmates: my sons, Seb and Max, and my partner, Scott.
My one sensitive and strong heart is full of love.
A few years ago, there was no way I could write these words. My life was seemingly bright and joyful on my socials, and yet deep down inside, was the dull, gray ache of compromise and expectations. Life is not meant to be lived in shades of gray. It’s meant to be a spectrum, a kaleidoscope of emotions, the good and the ugly, the complementary and polarizing, a messy smattering of vibrant color with punches of black and white. Sometimes we need the void, other times we live in the rainbow.
I relish it all. I will never be gray again.
As I hit this milestone birthday, here are some of the things I’ve learned, wisdom gleaned from wonderful people, inspiring cultures, significant events, small moments… a sum of a fateful life.
1. Fill your cup first. I was the ultimate people pleaser and martyr. It’s at the core of my nature to put my loved ones first. But I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t pour from an empty cup. After facing burnout and deep depression where I ended up destructive and a shell of a person, I made a commitment to myself. My friend, life coach, Kimi Lu, put it so beautifully: “Always give from your overflow.” This means your cup must always remain full so it never runs dry. Sometimes this is as simple as carving out 30 minutes for yourself every day to do something small and fulfilling. Sometimes it means pursuing a long-lost passion that lights up your soul… and other times, often the hardest to do, it’s to learn to say no and to protect your boundaries. I now understand that taking care of myself isn’t selfish; it’s essential for being present and showing up as my best and most capable self for those I love.
2. There is enough pie for everyone. I grew up in the Boss Babe, Woman On Top Era, along with the voice of my mother who often stressed that I should be “better” than everyone else. I often compared myself to others and felt that I wasn’t enough or wasn’t relevant if I wasn’t constantly achieving. It drove me mad. It’s not about being better than others, it’s just about being the best version of you as a person.
Gone are the days of a zero-sum mentality. There is an abundance of opportunities available for all. Celebrate the success of others! Freely let go and give, because true abundance is about flow. It’s being in a constant state of flow. Trust that what’s meant for you will always find its way to you. If you keep aligning to your highest values, you’ll be a magnet for opportunity, love, and joy.
3. Align, align, align. It took a lot of introspection to identify what truly matters to me. Understanding and articulating your core values is vital and every decision should stem from these values. Every time I say yes to something, I feel really good about it. This has a really infectious energy that makes people want to work with you even more. One of my favorite words in the English language is “enthusiasm.” It takes its roots in the Greek enthusiasmos which means to be inspired by God. That’s a truly palpable, positive energy. When you align your actions with your most authentic self, you attract opportunities that resonate deeply, making room for joy and fulfillment.
4. Lean in. Lean into the tension. Flow with the energy. Lean into the waves of emotion, no matter how frightening. Lean into the discovery of self… Because even the strongest of waves will eventually gently froth on the shore. There will always be a softening. I’m still healing and evolving and the journey never stops. It never should because the only thing constant in life is change. What I’m trying to do is learn how to just consistently flow with ease.
I tried surfing for the first time in Siargao a few months ago. It was scary and fun and unpredictable and hard and rewarding all at the same time. Just like life! I got caught in a crazy barrel wave and I just clung on to the surfboard for my dear life! I didn’t fight and just quite literally rode the wave—not in proper surfer style but more like wahhh-try-not-to-die-don’t-let-go style—and it was amazing to just feel it take me. To be a part of nature and its rhythms and force. If I had panicked and fought, I would have most definitely ended up under the water, in a frightening whirlpool, drowning.
When faced with challenges, lean into them. This doesn’t mean you won’t feel fear or discomfort, but embracing these moments often leads to profound growth. Much like learning to surf, the way to navigate life’s waves is to lean into the experience rather than shy away from it.
5. Trust divine timing. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be at this very moment. Life doesn’t always unfold according to our plans, and that’s okay. I used to be such a control freak. I had a plan for my life—I needed to publish a book by the time I was 30, have a baby, and achieve all these milestones. But life happens, and things don’t go as planned. We often end up disappointed because we set these milestone timelines. Ultimately, you can have your goals and dreams, but sometimes they just don’t pan out. It’s only later that you realize why things didn’t work out. Coming from two broken marriages and all the grief that came with them, I learned that there was a reason I had to go through all of this. Every traumatic experience had its own lesson, shaping me into who I am today. I would go through it all over again because the universe always has your back. You just have to trust it. If you can let go and genuinely trust while continually aligning yourself with your purpose and values, then the universe will carry you to where you need to be.
6. Live without judgment. The pandemic brought out so many opinions and judgments on social media, and for a while, I let the noise get to me. I got calls from people about the photos I posted, why I was wearing this or that, why I was dancing on-camera, even had people come up to me at events to give unsolicited comments about leaving my marriage and maybe I had issues. It’s awful. Who are we to judge? Everyone has their own shi*t. We don’t know what someone could be going through. Live with compassion, especially to yourself. Imagine what a beautiful world we could have if we cheered ourselves and everyone else on.
7. Kanya Kanyang Journey or KKJ. I’m human, sometimes we do get judgy, or angry, or resentful. I just always remind myself: KKJ. People are on their own paths and transformations; they rarely act maliciously toward others. This understanding cultivates empathy within me. When I’m feeling frustrated at someone’s behavior, I remind myself of the battles they might be fighting behind the scenes. Often, their actions reflect their own feelings and emotions. This can lead to others becoming collateral damage in their journeys. That’s why self-awareness and emotional control are so important. When you feel triggered or angry, it’s crucial to prevent that from spilling over onto others. For a long time, I felt anger toward my ex, the father of my kids. I questioned why he wasn’t more present or supportive and harbored resentment about our past. Over time, particularly as I learned more about psychology and the soul’s journey, I realized he was operating from a place of significant childhood trauma and grief. While I can’t share his journey, I understand he has unchecked feelings that eventually surface as we grow older. We can’t keep things bottled up; they will inevitably resurface. So, when it’s time to do the shadow work, lean in. Addressing these issues is essential before they affect your life and the lives of those around you—because, ultimately, they can become collateral damage in your journey too.
8. The power of forgiveness. Forgiveness has been one of the most difficult yet liberating lessons I’ve learned. Anger and resentment weighs us down. It makes us dark, so dark it can make us physically ill. Forgiveness isn’t about condoning actions; it’s about liberation. By finally letting go of past grievances—be it from an unkind word or a hurtful action—you can reclaim your energy and joy. The hardest thing is to forgive yourself. Very often, the resentment grows within us towards others because we haven’t forgiven ourselves for giving up our power. Each act of forgiveness is a step toward peace. It’s the most powerful magic spell that shifts your energy towards the light.
9. Cultivate compassion. Compassion is essential for a soulful life—it allows us to deeply connect and care for those around us, including plants and animals. Without it, how can we truly feel? Many of us numb ourselves to avoid processing difficult emotions, putting on blinders. I struggled with this for a long time, avoiding painful feelings, which ultimately affected me and those around me. When we cultivate compassion, we open ourselves to deep feelings, enriching our lives. Instead of rushing through weeks without meaning, we can take the time to connect with others. Compassion and forgiveness remove judgment, creating a sense of interconnectedness. It’s important to extend this compassion to ourselves. Many women are overly harsh on themselves, and I, too, struggled to be kind to myself. It’s okay to not be okay; it’s necessary to hold space for our own healing. Strength doesn’t always mean brute force; sometimes, it comes from embracing soft power.
10. Choose love. My son Max and I were shopping online for slippers, and he picked a pair adorned with glittery red hearts. I hesitated, concerned about gender norms, but Max simply said, “Mama, choose love—always choose love.” When his slippers arrived, he hugged the package and repeated it: “Always choose love.” In life, we often face difficult decisions filled with anger, fear, or resentment, but I continually remind myself to “always choose the path of love.” This mindset has shifted the energy in my life. There’s power in letting go of the need to prove I’m right and trusting that the universe has my back.
Choosing love sometimes means loving ourselves harder, especially in challenging relationships. In my experience, it often wasn’t always about loving my partner more, but recognizing the need to prioritize my own self-love. Even difficult circumstances shouldn’t be devoid of love, and we must bravely choose love in all areas—whether at work or within our families. This may involve letting go of someone or a situation, which can also be an act of love, ensuring they receive the love they need while honoring our own hearts. Ultimately, choosing love means choosing kindness. In every decision, we face two paths: the fear-based choice or the love-based one. I always choose love. And when in doubt, I love harder.
If you or anyone you know is considering self-harm or suicide, you may call the National Mental Health Crisis hotline at 1553 (Luzon-wide, landline toll-free), 0966-351-4518 or 0917-899-USAP (8727) for Globe/TM users, or 0908-639-2672 for Smart users.
