How to spot a narcissist—and how to deal with one

How do you identify a narcissist?

While some people may casually label someone as a “narcissist,” true narcissistic traits go beyond self-confidence.

In an interview with PhilSTAR L!fe, psychologist Maria Angela Leabres-Diopol stressed that there's a fine line between being confident and being narcissistic. While a confident person may take pride in their accomplishments, a narcissistic individual often mentions their achievements and demands recognition even without having earned it. 

"A confident person can admire others and show empathy, but someone with narcissistic tendencies typically struggles to acknowledge others’ feelings and may manipulate people to serve their own goals," she said. 

According to Alexandria Blake C. Real-Pisalbo, psychologist and content creator behind Mental Health Mother, narcissism is adaptive. "This means they can still express their confidence in balanced and context-appropriate ways. It becomes clinically concerning when the degree of narcissism is excessive, persistent, and interferes one’s interpersonal relationships, occupation, or even emotional regulation."

Per psychologist Lanz Paolo Olegario of SERENITE Mental Health Services, the following are consistent patterns that can be observed in a narcissistic individual:

• grandiosity – They often exaggerate their achievements and expect to be seen as superior even when it’s not warranted.
• need for admiration – They always seem to crave validation or applause and can’t stand being ignored.
• lack of empathy – They struggle to truly understand or care about how others feel.
• exploitativeness – They use people to get what they want without guilt or remorse.
• sense of entitlement – They believe they deserve special treatment no matter what.
• envy – They either feel jealous of others or believe others are jealous of them.
• arrogant behavior – They may act superior and look down on others as a way to feel better about themselves.

Olegario, however, noted that not everyone who shows one or two of the aforementioned traits is a narcissist. "What we look for is a repeated pattern that affects their relationships, work, and day-to-day life," he said. 

Real-Pisalbo highlighted the importance of knowing whether such patterns of behaviors and reactions actually exist before calling someone a "narcissist."

"We use this not to label them. We use it to acknowledge their traits so that proper intervention can be provided to them. These traits don’t always mean a person has a disorder, but when they cause conflict or distress, seeking help from a mental health professional can provide clarity and support for appropriate intervention or treatment," she said.

Olegario told L!fe that after all, being a narcissist is "not about being maarte." He explained, "Beneath the surface, many of them carry fragile self-esteem that they try so hard to protect. They genuinely struggle with emotional connection and self-worth."

How can you handle a narcissist?

Now that you're aware of the common traits of a narcissist, the next thing to do is to know how you can deal with one. In doing so, psychologist Wenna Brigaste put the focus on two things: kindness and compassion.

"Just like in any other condition, the person must generally be treated with kindness and compassion noting that he/she may need professional help," she said, adding that educating yourself about narcissistic patterns may help you cope better with a narcissist. She likewise noted setting clear boundaries with a narcissist, which can be done through calm and composed communication. 

Seeking support from family, friends, and professionals is also a must in dealing with narcissists, added Real-Pisalbo.

When asked if there's a possibility of maintaining a functional relationship with a narcissist, Olegario said it depends on the level of awareness and openness of the person as there are some individuals with narcissistic traits who are willing to work on their behavior.

But knowing when to give up and understanding that "you cannot fix them" is also important.

"Narcissistic traits are deeply rooted and many are not aware of their behavior or don't believe anything is wrong," he said. "Do you still want to keep them in your life? If it's a yes, choose emotional detachment. This means staying calm when they provoke you, keeping conversations neutral, and not reacting to their attempts to guilt-trip or manipulate."

If the relationship becomes too toxic, Olegario advised that letting go of them might be the best choice. "Choosing peace does not mean you do not care. It means you also care about yourself," he said. "Instead of trying to win their approval or earn their affection, redirect your focus toward your own well-being. Stop expecting emotional reciprocity from someone who cannot give it. That constant effort to prove your worth or explain your side will only leave you drained."

"Remember: Relationships should support you," Leabres-Diopol added, "not drain or diminish you."