Is TikTok relationship advice killing romance?
Every week, PhilSTAR L!fe explores issues and topics from the perspectives of different age groups, encouraging healthy but meaningful conversations on why they matter. This is Generations by our Gen Z columnist Angel Martinez.
For some lover girls, today’s dating scene is no place to thrive.
If TikTok gurus were to have it their way, we shouldn’t chase because we attract. If he truly showed interest, we’d experience princess treatment from the first conversation and receive "just because" flowers on the first link. And since we run a strict program, bets are off at the sight of the slightest mistake, so we can make room for the next man on our roster.
I know. How cold and cerebral of an approach to matters of the heart. But honestly, I can see where most of them are coming from. As our generation of women moves toward financial independence, one of our key requirements for a partner is no longer upward mobility but emotional maturity, availability, and reciprocity.
However, this appears to be in short supply in today’s disposable dating culture, where the concept of "someone better" often seems to be one swipe away. Genuine connection rarely flourishes in these conditions, hence, the loneliness crisis sweeping nations. When it seems like the rules are rigged against us, it can be quite normal for us to grasp at anything that helps us game the system.
Enter: explainers on how to get them to fall in love with us, spot signs of bare minimum boyfriends, or straight up manipulate men to get what we want. To be fair, we’re far from being the only generation to defer to experts. Titles such as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and He’s Just Not That Into You reached critical and commercial success even in the early aughts.
But what makes our situation different—and dangerous—is our exposure to opinions from "experts" with varying levels of qualifications. Actual trained coaches share a stage with teenagers coming out of one life-altering breakup: their insights packaged in punchy language that prioritizes viral soundbites over psychologically sound explanations.
“If they’re not a therapist or a professional, these pieces of advice are typically projections of their own personal experience, which should not be a generalization of relationships,” relationship coach Nikki Porter tells PhilSTAR L!fe. Unfortunately, she adds that since likes and comments can sometimes be a barometer for credibility, “it can convince others to believe that same advice to be seemingly irrefutable.”
20-year-old student Ela (not her real name) was “definitely influenced to a certain degree,” in her words: overly critical of her ex, as if each flaw found came with a little prize. “I felt like if my relationship wasn’t panning out within the same timeline as that of others, it was a reason for concern,” she shares with L!fe. One example she cites is the popular adage “To be loved is to be seen”: the assumption that true soulmates will perceive who we truly are from keen observation alone. “I expected myself to just be able to ‘know’ my partner, and expected the same from them as well, when love is never supposed to be that easy.”
Holding our boyfriends to unrealistic standards breeds a culture of comparison that eats away at our confidence. Call center agent Patricia, 25, admits to doing this during her first relationship: “I kept looking to other people for markers of what a good boyfriend would do, and I would often get TikToks about dating a ‘provider’ who would pay for everything,” she says. “I realized long after we had broken up that I was demanding and expecting so much from him when we were both students at the time. He was even a financial aid scholar.”
Ultimately, these buzzwords are mere scapegoats—shorthands we can employ when we’d rather not have difficult conversations with our partners, or deep reflections about what we need from them.
“If he wanted to, he would”? Not everyone has the same capacity, availability, or resources to match uncommunicated needs.
“Never go 50/50”? What happens, then, when the man in a relationship is going through a rough patch, and his partner has to pick up the slack?
“They should just know”? As Porter suggests, men can’t read minds, and contrary to what those under the #ihatemybf hashtag would like you to believe, not all of them are deliberately neglectful.
In reality, relationships are nuanced. “There are common themes, sure, but never the exact same from one person to the other,” Porter notes. A lot of relationship content available on TikTok is based on the experience of people from completely different contexts, who got together under different circumstances. Rather than take everything these "experts" have to say at face value, Porter says it might be best to use them as a guide to “challenge your own perception, projections, and patterns.”
To be honest, most pieces of advice worth remembering are common sense: Show up when things are hard. Never forgive a cheating or abusive partner. Remember your anniversary. But if you’re lucky to be in an actual adult relationship, what you don’t know can be accessed through communication and compromise. Our ideal partners are built after many important discussions and molded by shared experiences. The algorithm just won’t always tell you that.
Generations by Angel Martinez appears weekly at PhilSTAR L!fe.
