What is puffer-fishing, and is this new dating trend the reason you're still single?
Dating can be complicated, especially when elements of nature are thrown into the mix. Puffer-fishing is a new dating trend that may be one of the reasons some people remain single.
Pufferfish are highly poisonous and have a clumsy swimming style that makes it difficult for them to outswim predators. So instead, according to National Geographic, they ingest enough water that causes their elastic stomachs to inflate, turning them into a toxic ball up to three times their original size.
Equating this volatile fish to a dating practice may sound funny. But if you look at it more carefully, it may answer the age-old question, "Why am I still single?"
Defense mechanism
In an interview with PhilSTAR L!fe, dating expert Mezhal Ulao explained the unfortunate similarities some people have with pufferfish when they feel intimidated by the direction of a relationship.
"In nature, a pufferfish swells up and gets prickly when it feels threatened," Ulao told L!fe. "In dating, puffer-fishing is when someone suddenly acts out, picks fights, or pulls away the exact moment a relationship starts getting close or serious."
Just like how pufferfish inflate themselves to make them inedible to predators, "puffer-fishers" protect themselves from vulnerability by physically or emotionally inching away once they feel the relationship is encroaching on next-level territory. Ulao said whether it is done as an automatic emotional defense mechanism or a deliberate tactic, the end goal is "to create instant distance."
Puffer-fishers act toxic so the other person has no other choice but to break things off.
According to Ulao, puffer-fishing can either be a subconscious reflex or a conscious choice.
"For those with an avoidant attachment style or past relational trauma, their nervous system panics when things get 'too real.' They genuinely want connection, but fear of rejection or losing their independence makes them 'puff up' to protect themselves first," said Ulao. Reflexively, they pull away.
Others, however, know exactly what they are doing when they begin puffer-fishing. It then becomes a "deliberate strategy," said Ulao.
There are several reasons people resort to puffer-fishing. According to Ulao, some do this if they lack the maturity to go through the uncomfortable breakup talk.
For others, it's a matter of control. "Deliberately withholding affection or pulling away forces you to chase them, giving them total control over the relationship’s pace," Ulao told L!fe.
Some also resort to puffer-fishing if they feel they need to test boundaries. "It can be a calculated test to see how much emotional chaos you will tolerate," said Ulao.
How to spot it
You may have been puffer-fished and just didn't know it.
Ulao gave three examples of puffer-fishing strategies people use when they feel they're up against a wall, relationship-wise.
The "sudden freeze," for one, is when a person is warm and attentive one day and ice and distant the next, with no explanation. Others will pick petty fights. They will start creating drama over nothing or overreact to minor details just to ruin a good vibe.
Some will also do the "push-pull." Ulao explained, "Right after a great, vulnerable conversation, they ghost, become emotionally unavailable, or avoid making future plans."
The receiver of these puffer-fishing tactics is then left feeling incredibly confused, anxious, and emotionally drained.
"Because the shift is so jarring, it triggers a painful cycle of second-guessing yourself, wondering, 'What did I do wrong?' when you didn’t do anything wrong at all," Ulao said.
Stand your ground
Say someone suddenly became distant after what you thought was a mutually honest and fulfilling three months of dating.
The first thing to do is not panic. Instead, Ulao suggested calling it out calmly without sounding accusatory. Say, for example, "I’ve noticed things feel a bit distant since our last deep chat. Is everything okay?”
A pufferfish may already feel threatened. If you address the avoidance with fangs out and claws ready to scratch, you will only push them to create more distance.
If you recognize the signs of reflexive avoidance, acknowledge it, but don't make excuses for the person.
"Whether it’s an automatic reflex or a conscious choice, it is still a form of emotional manipulation. Don’t let 'past trauma' justify current bad behavior," said Ulao.
Finally, and most importantly, Ulao suggested protecting your peace. "If they keep pushing you away, refusing to communicate, or acting combative, set a boundary and walk away. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells," Ulao said.
Are you single because you're a pufferfish?
Possibly, but there's hope.
If you think you are the one who has been puffer-fishing, take a serious look at your dating habits and patterns. Self-awareness is crucial to finally breaking away from this habit of self-sabotage.
Do you actively treat intimacy like a danger zone?
"By running away or picking fights every time someone gets close, you effectively villainize anyone who tries to love you—keeping yourself stuck in a loop of short-lived, surface-level connections," said Ulao.
The next time you catch yourself suddenly wanting to pick a fight over a trivial thing, pause and take a breath. Ulao suggested asking yourself, "Am I panicking because I’m afraid of getting hurt, or am I just looking for an easy way out?”
If you choose honest communication over self-sabotage, you are on your way to breaking the cycle.
