HER NEEDS: No, it’s not just hot flashes. A Gen X gets real about perimenopause
I used to hate getting my monthly period…until I wasn’t getting it anymore.
Sometime in my mid-forties, my menstrual cycles became unpredictable. My OB-GYN assured me that I was just entering perimenopause when estrogen levels dropped and ushered at the end of my reproductive years. She warned me about biological changes like hot flashes and dryness “down there.” However, nothing prepared me for perimenopause affecting everything—including my energy levels, sleep, mood, and memory.
For the first time in my life, I couldn’t just rely on willpower and a big mug of coffee to get things done. I had to listen to my body and my needs, change my routines, and find new ways of working and coping.
Feeling all the feels
Women are all too familiar with how estrogen affects emotions (hello, PMS and postpartum blues). But as we get older, we become experts at ignoring them—whether out of social expectations or responsibilities that require us to “just barrel through and get things done.”
However, perimenopause may bring more than just random mood swings. Low estrogen levels can disrupt brain chemistry, increasing the risk of anxiety and depression. Beyond the biological changes, older women often navigate major life stressors: career shifts, caring for both children and aging parents, concerns about retirement, and more.
It also profoundly affects cognitive function, explaining the memory lapses and poor concentration issues I experienced. I would walk into a room and forget why I went there, or struggle with simple tasks like writing an email.
Before, I could brush off a bad day with a glass of wine and a funny K-drama. But perimenopause brought bigger emotional waves that forced me to figure out what was going on. “Am I just cranky because I didn’t sleep well, or is this something deeper? Am I sad, angry, anxious, or just overwhelmed? What’s triggering this?”
Midlife weight gain: Why it’s not just about diets
In my 20s, I could eat anything and stay the same size. In my 30s, weight gain happened faster, but with enough effort, I could lose it. Now that I’m in my 40s, thanks to the double whammy of hormonal changes and slower metabolism, losing weight needs twice the work and takes twice as long.
But here’s the real shift: weight loss isn’t just about looking good in my jeans anymore. Research shows that increased belly or visceral fat (aka bilbil) raises the risk of heart disease, diabetes, and even certain cancers. It’s no longer about vanity; it’s about long-term health.
Beyond the physical changes, my sleep patterns have also been dramatically altered. Prior to perimenopause, I also used to be a champion sleeper. But it has turned my nights into an endless cycle of tossing, turning, and sweating through the sheets. And when I couldn’t sleep, I ended up snacking, doom-scrolling social media, or overthinking until the wee hours of the morning. Not exactly the best way to start the day.
Changing libido and sexual satisfaction
And then there's this topic. No one talks about this enough, but perimenopause (and aging in general) can shake up your sex life. Some women feel less interested in sex; others want it more but find it physically uncomfortable because of vaginal dryness. Throw in the stress of adulting, midlife crises, and sheer exhaustion, and it’s perfectly normal to not always be in the mood.
Life, unpaused
These changes were frustrating, but I learned to cut myself some slack and found ways to stay efficient while reducing my “mental load.” I learned to sit with my emotions instead of dismissing them. I didn’t always have the answers, but I became more comfortable acknowledging what I felt—and more open to making changes that actually helped me feel better.
I also found journaling to be effective. There’s a reason self-care experts always recommend it or setting aside quiet time—it actually works. Giving yourself space to express and process your emotions makes a difference. I found comfort in podcasts by Martha Beck and Mel Robbins on Spotify. As women navigating midlife themselves, their insights felt relatable and helped me make sense of what I was going through—and more importantly, figure out what to do next.
When it came to my physical health, I ditched restrictive diets and deleted fitness apps that treated calorie deficits like daily performance reviews, because being healthy shouldn’t feel like punishment. Instead, I focused on small, sustainable changes that helped me move more, eat smarter, and find balance. As I started feeling the benefits, like more energy and better moods, I naturally wanted to keep going.
I also tried different sleep techniques until I found one that worked. I went through dozens–meditation, melatonin, aromatherapy, teas, you name it. Then I discovered Audible, which has a huge audio library that includes “sleep stories” told in a soothing voice. Think of it as bedtime stories for stressed-out adults. I would fall asleep in less than 20 minutes!
And ladies, aging doesn’t mean you can’t experience intimacy or that you need elaborate romantic getaways to reconnect. Too tired for sex? Don’t underestimate the Swoon Factor of a forehead kiss or cuddling on the couch. Are they not the type to send flowers? Look out for (and appreciate) their other ways of showing affection, like buying your favorite food for pasalubong or filling your car’s gas tank so you don’t have to.
Celebrate these daily acts of affection, or even go out of your way to create them. It helps keep that spark going, in and out of the bedroom.
Perimenopause isn’t the first time that we’ve ridden the waves of hormonal changes. We’ve been through puberty, endured decades of PMS, or possibly even pregnancy and postpartum. Each time, we adapted and found ways to survive and thrive.
Perimenopause is no different. Instead of fighting it, I’m learning to work with it. To listen to my body, adjust my habits, and most importantly, be kind to myself. Because this isn’t the end of anything—it’s just a new beginning, and I plan to own every part of it.
This Women's Month, PhilSTAR L!fe presents "HER NEEDS," a series exploring the diverse experiences and needs of women across generations—from physical health and perimenopause to relationships, dating, and sexuality.
