I am my parents' daughter
When I think of my childhood, I always remember sitting in our family’s living room on weekends. I would be reading a book or playing around with my dogs while my parents put on Gary Valenciano, Regine Velasquez and other soulful OPM songs.
I recently watched Bagets: The Musical—based on the iconic Filipino film from the ‘80s, running at the Newport World Resorts until March— and I was immediately taken back to those weekends. Hearing the music of my parents’ time, alongside the story of five young boys and their mothers, made me think of how much my own parents shaped me and made me grow, in more ways than one.
I wouldn’t say that my parents and I have the best dynamic in the world. As on-call doctors, they weren’t always present when I was growing up. I spent a lot of nights home alone with my dogs, waiting for them to return. I was also coming to terms with my queerness, and during evenings when we did have dinner together, I mostly sat quietly because I wasn’t sure they would accept me. I tried my best to excel academically, to be the kind of daughter that they could show off. I saw it as me doing my part; I didn’t want to add to their long list of problems.
Keeping up that facade made it difficult for me to explore who I truly was. I knew that I was a straight-A student who went to violin lessons and took advanced math in Kumon. I was dependable and obedient, and I always knew what I had to do. However, whenever I felt like I wasn’t fitting into that mold of a good daughter, I broke down easily. I remember crying one evening to my mom about how I felt pressured to excel, and she could not give me any form of comfort because I reduced myself to my failing grades. I remember hiding in my room in shame because I could not follow my dad’s instructions on how to cut pieces of fruit, and he would question why I didn’t know what to do. I wondered to myself then, “Should I always know what to do? Did my parents expect me to know everything at once?”
I think my relationship with my parents changed once I got to college. It was my first time living alone, only seeing my parents on weekends. It was liberating to be allowed to make my own decisions. I didn’t tell my parents about my late nights out, studying or drinking. They would only find out I had friends over at my condo when I posted about it online. I felt free until I realized that gaining a bit of autonomy in one’s life comes with more serious challenges as well.
I had difficulty managing my time. I felt lost about what I wanted to do with my career. I couldn’t understand why life felt so hard even with all the happy memories. Then I got delayed in college.
Watching ‘Bagets: The Musical’ made me realize that, as much as it is my first time experiencing life, it’s my mom and dad’s first time being parents, too.
I sent a long text message to my parents in shame, afraid that if I told them in person, they would look at me in disappointment. I explained to them that I was scared, that I didn’t know how to get out of the headspace I was in.
It was at that moment that my parents told me that it was okay that I was lost; that they, too, had experienced delays in life.
They helped me navigate being delayed, and they really made sure I could stand on my own two feet again. As much as it is my first time experiencing life, I realized it’s my mom and dad’s first experience being parents, too. I think Bagets: The Musical highlights this well, as it expands on the film to give the main characters’ mothers a more central role. It showed that different family dynamics have their own difficulties, especially when a child transitions to being a young adult. As much as people say that their parents do not understand them, the musical made clear that mothers do have their own struggles, as life did not come with a guidebook on how to be the best parents for their children.
There was a line in the musical that made me think of my parents. It was when Adie (alternated by Andres Muhlach and Mico Chua) and his mom, Virgie (Carla Guevara-Laforteza), opened up about how they have not been there for each other. Virgie, often busy chasing deadlines as a columnist, was not always there as a listening ear and a guiding presence for Adie, who was trying to navigate the woes of being a teenager. She tells Adie, “I wish I didn’t miss the deadline of being your mom.” It made me tear up, because I saw my own relationship with my parents. Even though I opened up to them late about a lot of things in my life, from my troubles to my sexuality, they still continue to support me and remind me that they are there for me.
Watching Bagets: The Musical made me realize that my parents have poured out their love to me in the way that only they can; something that any other family cannot replicate. At the end of the day, I really am my parents’ daughter. I have my dad’s funny faces, his do-all-be-all approach to life, and his nostalgia and desire to capture everything. I have my mom’s scrunched brows when assessing situations, her nitpicking over the smallest of things, and her grit. I have my parents’ short temper, their love of refrigerator magnets, and their penchant for slow weekend mornings with music playing on speakers. I am a constellation of their likes, their dislikes, their personality traits, and outlooks on life. I may not be the perfect daughter, but I am theirs as much as they are mine.
