What's the secret to a great relationship? 3-year and 10-year couples give dating advice
In the movies, dating, relationships, and love are predictable. Two star-crossed lovers get the ultimate meet-cute, go on a whirlwind of romantic dates, have a big fight which is all fixed by a big gesture, and live happily ever after.
But love in real life is so far from the sappy rom-coms. While sometimes it can be easy, it's usually more complicated. Just look at the dating scene of today, where people have different set-ups like situationships and view partners through green and red flags.
When you do find that special someone who turns up all those butterflies in your stomach or has you fumbling over words, wouldn't you want everything to go right? Unfortunately, there's no guidebook to being good at relationships and more often than not, it's not a one-size-fits-all situation. But how can you make relationships work? PhilSTAR L!fe asked a relatively new couple and partners who've been together for 10 years for advice on love, dating, and everything in between.
Queences Aniñon, a CRM analyst, spent most of her relationship with her boyfriend Bill Bench Calonge long distance as he's working as a seaman in Miami. When they first met at a singing contest in 2018, Bench wasn't Queences' type. But when he showed her that he had dreams and plans for the future, she continued to fall for him until she gave him that sweet "yes" in 2022.
"Wala pa akong idea na magiging [long distance relationship] kami. Nagulat na lang ako, sinabi niya sa akin after a month, 'Paalis ako. Gusto kong patunayan sa'yo na karapat-dapat ako sa'yo.' Doon ko siya mas na-appreciate," she told L!fe.
Singer-songwriter Nica Del Rosario met her partner performer Justine Peña when they were in college. It took some time for love to brew between them as they reconnected five years later.
Their getting-to-know stage was "touch and go" and they weren't on the same page. Jus was newly single and wanted to be in her "free" phase while Nica wanted to settle down. After a few months of push-and-pull, they got together and the rest was history. In August 2022, the pair tied the knot in a beautiful ceremony in Australia.
"We kind of had an understanding that she was already set and was comfortable at a faster pace. I'm very very slow to those types of changes. So meron na kaming unspoken thing na ready na siya any time, ako nalang bahala kung kelan. That's why I ended up proposing," Jus said.
Love yourself first
Self-love and self-care are important. As the saying goes, fill your cup first before you pour out. The same applies to dating.
"If you're looking for love, you have to love yourself first. [It] makes things so much easier once you're able to at least be aware of the baggage you're bringing because everybody has some form of baggage," Jus said.
However, as Nica raised, this doesn't mean that those who don't love themselves yet aren't deserving of love.
"It's more of it makes the process of finding someone smoother."
Queences echoed this saying you shouldn't rush into a love life. "Kung para sa'yo talaga 'yung tao, ibaibigay naman sa'yo."
She added that she had to work on herself first before she committed.
"Ang dami ko pang pinagdaanan muna eh. Dati nga naalala ko noong bumili ako ng bahay, mag-isa lang ako. Wala akong jowa," Queences shared.
"Pero hindi ko akalain na 'pag tumagal, may makakasama pala ako bumuo sa pangarap na meron ako. Akala ko mag-isa lang ako. Hindi pala, may darating at darating pa kapag kapag nag-aantay ka."
Keep your options open
In Queences' case, her expectations in a partner went out the window.
"Kapag gusto mo 'yung tao, mawawala talaga lahat ng standards mo. Tinanggap ko siya wholeheartedly," she told L!fe.
Sometimes, "The One" also comes when you least expect them. "Nag-dating apps talaga ako dati tapos hindi ko akalain na taga sa amin lang pala 'yung magiging boyfriend ko."
Nica also shared that you shouldn't limit yourself to a certain type. "There is no perfect person. and sometimes you just have to open yourself up and connect with someone, you might find something there."
Set each other's expectations
With their line of work, Jus and Nica struggle to balance time for themselves and together.
"[It always has to go through some sort of negotiation or revisiting," Jus said, adding that one of them would ask each other out on dates or to go on trips.
"We give each other a heads up na parang this week is gonna be hell week or hell month. We try to set each other's expectations. A joint calendar helps."
Meanwhile, LDR couple Queences and Bench set aside time to talk to each other over video calls.
"Kinuha niyang schedule pang umaga. Pagka-uwi, mag-uusap," she shared, adding that she would feel excited when Bench comes home.
Distance wasn't a hurdle for the couple to spend time together and get to know each other more.
"Habang tumatagal naman kami, kapag nagkakausap naman kami, mas nakikilala ko din siya. Hindi naman kailangan palaging magkasama kayo para makilala niyo 'yung ugali ng isa," the CRM analyst shared.
"Okay na sa akin 'yung may panahon kami. And gano'n talaga sa LDR. Kailangan mag-sacrifice."
Fighting is not necessarily a red flag
In their 10 years together, Nica and Jus shared that they fight "a lot," and it's something they don't hide.
"Some people don't fight and it works for them, some people argue a lot like we do but I think the important thing is you're both on the same page as you're both choosing to stay and you're going to have to accept that relationships are hard," Nica said. "It's going to take a lot of work."
When you're with someone for a long time, they are constantly evolving like you. "Can you imagine you meet someone in your 20s or 30s and for a majority of your life, you can't expect the [person] to be the same? That's gonna be 40 years of holding someone to the person they were in their youth," Jas added.
While the couple can't remember their first fight, they do know what they argue about and how they go about it is different now. The two also make sure they're aware of each other's triggers.
What matters more is to learn how to argue without the situation escalating and know how to de-escalate when it does.
"More people need to learn that relationships are hard. Love is hard. There are couples you hear it's so easy for us, good for them. but not all couples are like that and not all relationships are like that. If you're in a relationship that's not like that, it doesn't mean that you're in a bad relationship. It's just different," Nica shared.
It's not always going to be 50-50
You won't always be in the same place as your partner mentally, emotionally, or financially.
"Parang it's never 50-50. Bihira. It's not gonna be a fair situation all the time [because] one person will need more than the other," Jus said.
Queences echoed this, adding that what's important is for couples to grow together.
"Minsan kasi talaga hindi pantay 'yung pag-grow. Minsan talaga may lalagapak. So any time may isa sa main na ready na sumalo. Ready kaming saluhin 'yung isa't-isa," she said.
"Kung may problema kami or may mga mapagdaanan kaming sabay na hindi maganda, pag-uusapan na lang namin tapos pray for a better future," Queences added.
Keeping the spark alive and tending to the relationship
10 years into their relationship, Jus and Nica keep the spark alive by going on different kinds of dates. They do errands together, check in with each other, and try new food spots or revisit their favorite restaurants.
"We always said [it's] something to that we had to talk about na, 'Okay, if you're starting to not feel the same passion or love—passion is a flame that dies, 'di ba? If it's something that's not tended to, it will kind of fizzle out. When that happens, we don't take it personally," Jus said, adding that they communicate and figure out how to get that spark back.
Keeping the passion alive is just one aspect of tending to the relationship. Jus and Nica let each other focus on their responsibilities as individuals and their own mental health.
"Relationships are very romanticized," Nica said.
"Early on, it was easy for us to have an ideal sort of thing. After a while, you just have to break that, like it's not ideal. What's ideal is what works for you guys. That might not be what you see in the movies or read in books," Jus added.
