Want to spice things up in the bedroom? Here's how to talk to your partner about your kinks
It’s said that one of the keys to a happy relationship is to always be open and honest with your partner, but some topics are difficult to open up as they might elicit unpleasant reactions from your significant other.
One subject matter that has left many couples tongue-tied is their sexual kinks and how they can explore new ways to spice things up in the bedroom.
People can get the wrong idea about kinks as others automatically think about BDSM plays when they hear it, which is simply not the case. Kinks aren’t limited to extreme practices such as inflicting harm on your partners. It’s a flexible term that encompasses all kinds of acts made to enhance your lovemaking experience—as long as you talk about it thoroughly and get proper consent.
But that’s easier said than done, which is why PhilSTAR L!fe reached out to relationship experts for some tips on how you and your partner can safely navigate your discussion on your deepest bedroom desires.
Is having kinks healthy in a relationship?
As sexual kinks are often stigmatized, many people are afraid to open up about their desires for fear of causing issues in their relationships.
However, there’s actually nothing malicious about them. Aleli Carissa Gimena, a holistic therapist and well-being coach, highlighted how having kinks is a “natural, healthy part of human intimacy and self-expression.”
“What matters most is the foundation of trust, respect, and conscious communication between partners,” she said.
“When approached with love, understanding and clear boundaries, exploring personal kinks can deepen connection, provided both partners feel safe, heard, and honored in their authentic expression,” she added.
Relationship coach Shaun Chiong de Joya echoed the same sentiments, explaining that human beings “have individual needs,” one of which is having variety in life.
“Kinks are like our human need for variety,” he said. “The goal is to experience transformation. They start to seek activities that promote a healthy connection and strengthen the bond. This creates variety, a shared experience that enables both partners to communicate, build trust, and develop mutual respect.”
How to talk to your partner about your kinks
Create a ‘safe space’
It’s always best to open up about your feelings to your partner in a calm, private environment without distractions.
“The way we express ourselves can be in words, the voice we use, facial expression, and body language. Growing up, we are taught to act in a certain way that conforms to societal norms,” de Joya explained.
“Creating a safe space is simply acknowledging that we are different and judgment has no place within the relationship. That's what makes us truly human because both are working together to grow while serving each other through love,” he added.
According to Gimena, you can light some candles, play soft music, and do some synchronized breathing exercises for energetic attunement to create that "sacred space."
“Express gratitude for your partner and relationship. Share your feelings with ‘I’ statements while maintaining loving eye contact and heart connection,” she said.
Start things slow
Nobody likes to be taken by surprise, so you can’t exactly just blurt out to your partner that you want to try sex toys in your next lovemaking session without any warning.
Gimena advised that you should start with broader conversations before you gradually shift toward what you want to try in the bedroom.
“Practice active listening with full presence, treating each word as sacred. As trust builds naturally, you can progressively share more specific interests while staying attuned to your partner's comfort level,” she said.
Gimena added to take a page out of the Indian practice Tantra, which teaches to "view each conversation as an opportunity for deeper intimacy and spiritual connection."
Talk about it in detail
Once you've arrived at the heart of the subject, you must make sure to bare your feelings to your partner in an honest and detailed manner.
When discussing kinks, it’s important to set clear boundaries to foster respect towards your partner’s wishes.
“People just want to feel seen and heard,” de Joya noted. “The strongest relationships are built through honest conversations. They also set boundaries of what can and cannot be done”
“This means that both are willing to share their desires in a loving and healthy way while agreeing on the boundaries because they both respect their own bodies and the other,” he said.
Write them a letter
If you’re not good at expressing yourself through words, you may want to consider writing a letter instead. This can help you get your feelings and desires across in a clear way without having to fumble your next words.
“Include elements of sensual poetry or sacred writing if it resonates. Give them space to read and process before having a gentle discussion. This allows for reflection without pressure,” Gimena said.
Seek help from an expert
Should you and your partner have a hard time reaching an understanding with your kinks, having an outside perspective, like from life coaches and relationship experts, may help in navigating this intimate topic.
According to de Joya, getting expert advice helps couples “co-create strategies that give them the courage to live a fulfilling life full of adventure rather than fantasy.”
“This way, they feel more confident expressing their thoughts and ideas about intimacy with their partner and do not feel alone in the journey,” he said.
What should you do if they’re not into your kinks?
There’s always the possibility that your partner may not be okay with your preferences in the bedroom, and if this is the case, you should never try to pressure your partner into doing something they don’t consent to.
Still, it’s important to remember that “healthy relationships thrive on compromise.”
“Finding middle ground can lead to beautiful new discoveries that honor both partners' boundaries and desires,” Gimena said.
According to her, some practices that can help you achieve this include deep acceptance of your partner's wholeness, focusing on the many beautiful aspects of your partner and your connection, nurturing intimacy in ways that work for both partners, and staying grounded in love, respect, and gratitude.
“Remember that true intimacy flows from the heart space of unconditional love, trust, and sacred connection between partners. And every aspect of a relationship becomes an opportunity for spiritual growth and deeper awakening,” she highlighted.
