When the nest empties: Exploring life after parenting
Last week, someone sent me a caricature that initially made me laugh but hit a nerve of nostalgia a few seconds later. It showed a preschool child crying while holding on to his mom’s leg on his first day of school, begging not to be sent away from home. In the next caption was the mother, 15 years later, holding on to her teenager’s leg as he leaves for university. I could so relate to this emotion.
Having to let go of our kids for them to find their path, venture out into the world, reach set goals, and create a life with the love, care, and tools we have shared for years can be rewarding, yes, but also emotionally challenging for parents.
It’s realizing that one day we are bottle feeding and changing nappies, and the next, watching your child graduate from senior year of high school. For 17 years or more, your life has revolved around carpools, homework, and extracurricular activities. Then, all of a sudden, the day-to-day aspects of that role change dramatically when you drop your teen off at college.
Up until the 20th century, empty nests were rare. Families lived together until their parents passed on. Married and unmarried children stayed in the family home, or parents would move in with their children. But as cultural values changed and families shrank, parents began living independently when their kids moved out.
The syndrome
Feelings of abandonment and loss, sorrow, anxiety, depression, and identity crisis are some of the emotions parents are left with during this life phase, commonly known as Empty Nest Syndrome.
While we may feel proud of their accomplishments and independence, a feeling of nostalgia, and longing for those years when they were younger and under our care, can be overwhelming, sometimes affecting physical and mental health. It is important to acknowledge and process these emotions to channel them wisely and be reminded that they won’t last forever.
This stage may coincide with various significant events in midlife, such as:
Menopause or andropause. The hormonal changes during this phase often contribute to feelings of irritability, depression, and other mood-related symptoms.
Retirement. Your job not only provides a sense of status but also serves as a source of social connections. If you stop working and your children leave home simultaneously, you may question your purpose in life.
Dealing with the loss of your own parents. If your children move out around the same time that you lose your parents, you might experience a profound sense of isolation as you navigate grief and cope with the absence of your primary support system.
Any of these circumstances can add to the stress of transitioning into the empty nest stage.
The departure of our children from home could impact the dynamics of a marriage or partnership, as, for many couples, parenting has been a central aspect of the relationship. Shifting away from child-rearing can have repercussions and strain that could lead to feelings of disconnection with each other.
There are some things you can practice to try to help you fill the void:
Attend more social events. Consider joining a support group. Being with others and sharing experiences is one of the most efficient ways to overcome sadness and anxiety.
Keep in touch with your children. Set up a weekly or bi-weekly call with them to catch up on news and updates. Use text to send them pictures and videos of your activities, family reunions, grandparents, etc., so they are in the loop of life back home.
Give yourself a priority. Take advantage of this time to do things you could not do before, such as hobbies, sports, and trips.
Consider getting a pet. Research shows that having a dog, a cat, or any pet can scratch that caregiving itch and improve the loneliness associated with empty nesting.
Set new goals. Set your energy into achieving and having new challenges that will give you a sense of fulfillment and purpose.
A time to focus on your relationships—and yourself
The departure of our children from home could impact the dynamics of a marriage or partnership, as, for many couples, parenting has been a central aspect of the relationship. Shifting away from child-rearing can have repercussions and strain that could lead to feelings of disconnection with each other.
But, it can also provide opportunities to rediscover their relationship and strengthen their bond. “Empty nest syndrome is a reminder that parenthood is not the total of who we are. It’s an invitation to rediscover our identity and nurture our needs and desires,” says professor and researcher Dr. Terry Orbuch of the University of Michigan.
If you live with a spouse or partner, “You might need to get used to being a couple again. The two of you now have the freedom to rediscover yourselves and each other and to pursue activities without taking your children’s needs and preferences into account, even if this means spending time together in your newly quiet house,” according to Hartford.
This phase of life offers an opportunity to rejuvenate your romantic relationship with your partner. Being there for one another is a support system during this transition. It’s completely normal if it feels strange or awkward to shift your focus from your children to your marriage but give yourself and your partner patience as you navigate through this new stage. Remember that your relationship will not simply revert to how it was before having kids. It will evolve and take on a different shape, which isn’t necessarily negative.
As you move forward with your spouse, consider strengthening your bond by engaging in activities that will bring you closer, such as:
- Exploring a new shared sport or hobby, such as yoga, bird watching, backpacking, or cross-country skiing.
- Allocating dedicated time to openly discuss and address any fears or concerns you have regarding your children. Once the allotted time is over, shift the focus back to your couple’s relationship.
- Organizing a trip specifically designed for the two of you to enjoy quality time together.
- Participating in weekly therapy sessions to enhance communication skills.
- Scheduling a regular date night to nurture your relationship.
If, on the other hand, you raised your offspring by yourself and now live alone, there is a high chance you feel more of an emotional “emptiness” when they are gone. But the silver lining is that you can focus on yourself and explore new paths for the first time in years. Traveling to new places, discovering new skills, returning to school, going back to the dating scene, and embracing the free time your new situation might offer can’t be anything but positive.
Learning to love your new nest
Empty nesters often face discussions centered on feelings of sadness and emptiness. Still, despite the 1970s metaphorical appeal, it’s important to remember that we are not birds and cannot truly understand their emotions when young ones leave the nest. Furthermore, the idea of “empty nest” can be misleading because you still reside in your home, and it’s up to you, your spouse, your partner, or any other individuals living with you to determine how you will continue to give meaning and purpose to your living space moving forward.
Change is hard, especially drastic changes like suddenly living in a home no longer filled with children. In time, and with conscious practice and intent, we can learn to embrace this new stage of life and even love it. Remember, enjoying this new chapter in life doesn’t mean we don’t love or miss our children. It simply means that life continues progressing, and we must roll with it. Be proud of your children and their independence, and pave a new path for yourself because you deserve it.
Empty nest syndrome is a natural and shared experience for parents as their children transition into adulthood. While it can be testing and emotional, it also allows parents to reassess personal growth, freedom, and self-indulgence.
Also, keep in mind that there is a possibility that children may return home, leading to a new set of dynamics. When kids fly back into the nest years after, it can be both a source of joy and adjustment, and parents may find themselves readjusting to having them around again, navigating changes in routines and responsibilities.
