Lavender marriages, anyone?

Under Article 1 of the Family Code, “Marriage is a special contract of permanent union between a man and a woman entered into in accordance with law for the establishment of conjugal and family life.” The definition is specific, and quite restrictive in the eyes of not a few people. 

Oddly, despite the Philippines being the only country outside Vatican City that doesn’t allow divorce, couples still rush to get hitched, fully aware they’re about to be literally bound to each other for life. Why? Because marriage, as a legally binding agreement, comes with perks such as inheritance rights, social security benefits, property ownership, and, for some, a golden ticket to foreign immigration benefits.

But for many Filipinas, family and property laws, often skewed in favor of men, have long been a thorn in the side. And the dating pool? It’s slim pickings, where most of the good ones are either “taken” or not interested. Faced with less-than-ideal prospects, some women joke about becoming mistresses, turning into lesbians or, in a plot twist worthy of a K-drama, marrying their best friend. Who just happens to be male. And gay.

The last choice presents a workable solution to the rigid requirement that marriage must be “between a man and a woman.” Welcome to the colorful world of lavender marriages!

A lavender marriage is a union, typically between a gay man and a straight woman, often entered into for social acceptance, family expectations, or legal advantages. Some of these marriages are rooted in deep friendship and mutual respect; others are more strategic—carefully crafted shields against societal and religious pressures. In a country where marriage is seemingly forever, people get creative.

Hollywood’s got its fair share of these unions. Judy Garland found her rainbow when she married director Vincente Minnelli, who was rumored to be gay. Their daughter Liza also married a man in the same mold. The Danish Girl, where art imitated the life of an artist and her transgender husband, got the judges’ nod in 2015 and gave Alicia Vikander multiple awards for her portrayal of Gerda Wegener. 

Closer to home, Philippine showbiz has its own stories. Apart from talent manager Ogie Diaz, an openly gay man who has five children with his long-time partner, there’s Joey Mead and Angie Mead King, a couple who stayed together even after King transitioned into a woman. These highly publicized relationships prove love can transcend gender norms.

A member of the Catholic Church has spoken about this issue, but was criticized for being, well, sexist. Back in 2013, retired Archbishop Oscar Cruz was denounced for reducing lavender marriages to a matter of anatomy, where “the possibility of conception is there.” LGBT rights activist Angie Umbac expressed disappointment at the bishop’s statement when she said that people should marry “for the right reasons … not because their parts fit” like Lego bricks.

It’s no wonder that in our puritanical society—where praying, macho role playing, and tongue-wagging reign supreme—lavender marriages raise eyebrows along with ethical, emotional, and practical considerations. A recent survey on what Filipino women, particularly millennials, and Gen Zs, think about them may surprise some people while validating the prevailing beliefs of others.

And the survey says... 

Most respondents gave a hard pass on marrying an openly gay partner, echoing research that heterosexual women value romance and attraction in a marriage. How about when the marriage already exists? The jury’s split: Some (Gen Xers and elderly millennials) would maintain the status quo for family or security; others would choose self-preservation and bolt for the door. 

History suggests many of these unions don’t last. More women believe a gay man shouldn’t marry a straight woman in the first place, signaling growing awareness of the emotional minefield it will sow. And skepticism looms large. It is argued that just like an addiction, animal attraction is hard, maybe even impossible, to suppress. 

Religious beliefs play a major role in shaping opinions. Some hold fast to the idea that a man should marry a woman because “it is the right thing to do in the eyes of God,” while others stress that marriage is a sacred “covenant with God.” The Philippines’ fundamentalist stance on marriage, which denigrates same-sex unions and explains why we still don’t have divorce, adds another layer of complexity. 

And yet, men are still men, and there must be a primeval need to have offspring. So, some gay men end up marrying women (straight or otherwise) just to have children. This serves the secondary purpose of keeping an appearance that avoids raising eyebrows at reunions. It may seem like a no-win situation, but for every woman who wouldn’t marry a gay man, three are willing to stay with a closeted husband for the sake of their family. Sure, both of them will probably be miserable for the rest of their life, but at least everyone else will be happy. 

The survey revealed that honesty is still the name of the game, at least for those who believe a lavender marriage can work if both parties go in with open eyes and minds. The man should be upfront with his fiancée before any wedding—“By the way, honey, I’m really into guys”—simply because “she has the right to decide on their relationship as well.” Just like any other arrangement, deception is a deal-breaker for most.

Many women dread the emotional toll of being with someone who simply isn’t wired to love them the way they want to be loved. “It’s hard knowing you’ll never be what your partner truly desires,” one shared. And then there’s the issue of trust. “I’d always question his loyalty. I don’t want to live like that.” The double-life concern is also very real. The emotional exhaustion of maintaining appearances, coupled with the risk of infidelity, makes these marriages a high-stakes gamble. Or as one respondent bluntly put it: “There should be no third party. (It’s) not fair to the wife.” It doesn’t matter if the third party is a man or a woman. 

But what about a partnership built on shared goals? After all, “Marriage is a contract—people enter it for a lot of reasons.” A lavender marriage can work if both parties agree on the terms: companionship, co-parenting, financial security, ladies’ nights, or simply avoiding embarrassing conversations at family gatherings. Some even see the perks: “A gay best friend-turned-husband? At least we’d have fun doing girlie stuff.” 

While traditional views dominate, there is an obvious acceptance of shifting norms. Some gay men may still choose to marry women, not out of biology or family obligation, but something much deeper, which lies in the mysterious realm of love. But in our ever-increasingly liberal world, a conservative view reflects the fear inside every woman who finds herself in a lavender marriage: “When you ask a gay man to be loyal to a woman, it is akin to asking someone to be untrue to his own nature.”

At the end of the day, love may conquer all—but only when both people are fighting on the same side, not each other where one can easily parrot Col. Nathan R. Jessep (played by Jack Nicholson) in A Few Good Men: “You can’t handle the truth!”