Within pain, grace: A mother's new journey after loss
(Hazel Zaide Delos Santos, CEO of a 6,000-strong global hub in the Philippines for ING Bank, is, first and foremost, a mother. She and her husband Marvis had their daughter Martha soon after college. After a few years, their son Hernan was born. And nearly two decades later, Hazel gave birth to their daughter Morgan. This is Hazel's story in her own words, as told to PhilSTAR L!fe.)
I was just 23 when we had Martha. Marvis and I were so young, we grew up with her. And then we had Hernan when Martha was six. But three years later, at the height of Typhoon Ondoy, we lost him.
We were living in Buendia, Makati when Ondoy hit. By 11 a.m., the flood had entered the ground floor of our house. That's when Hernan's asthma attack started, triggered by the stench of the flood inside our house. Marvis had left early that morning for work in Quezon City. I was downstairs with our nanny, lifting things out of the water when Martha screamed from upstairs, calling for us.
Hernan was having a severe asthma attack; his face and fingers had turned blue. I tried to perform CPR and Martha witnessed it all.
For months after that day, her school would call me and say, "Martha's crying again." She had to undergo grief counseling for several months. Marvis was devastated. So I had to take care of them. I told myself, "I have to put aside my grieving to take care of my family."
But it wasn't just my family I had to look out for soon after the typhoon. I also had to see to it that my team, who were affected by the typhoon, were okay. In the midst of grieving, I was also tied up with rescue logistics.
Specific details about that time, though, escape me. At work and at home, I remember every detail. But when it comes to certain pockets of memory about that day, I have a hard time remembering. That's what we call trauma, I guess.
Until now, my family and I have not completely moved on from losing Hernan. There is pain every day. And whenever a typhoon hits, it's still a big deal for me. After Ondoy, I couldn't go back to that house. So we moved to a condo where our unit was on the fourth floor. I never again want to live in a house that gets flooded.
We had zero plans to have another baby. We didn't want people to compare, like, "The baby looks like Hernan," or, "Who's cuter?" So we were very deliberate in our decision not to have another baby.
And then 2022 happened.
It was around October when I noticed that my period was delayed, so I went to the OB to have myself checked. The pregnancy test came back negative, so I thought I was just perimenopausal. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something wrong, something different.
A few days later, I had some COVID symptoms. I asked my husband to buy two tests: one for COVID and another for pregnancy.
I took the tests and, a few minutes later, started screaming at the top of my lungs. My husband was frantic. He asked, "What happened?"
"Oh my God, I'm positive."
"I know; that's why you have symptoms."
"Both tests are positive."
We quickly did the math. By the time the baby would be graduating from college, we'd be 67.
At that moment, we were excited but also shocked. We were thinking, "Oh my God, we're gonna start from scratch."
My staff at work was equally surprised. They know me, who wakes up at 4 a.m. every day, to put in 16-hour work days. So they had to ask, "When did you manage to schedule getting pregnant between work tasks? How is it that at your age, you've become the fertility goddess?"
It was a difficult pregnancy with Morgan. I was bedridden and had preeclampsia. Because of my age, my condition was classified as high-risk.
I was almost eight months pregnant when I went for an ultrasound. I was inside for an hour already, and they hadn't allowed me to leave. It was suspicious because ultrasounds usually take just 15 minutes.
Finally, the nurses asked, "Ma'am, aren't you in pain? Your contractions haven't stopped. You can't give birth yet."
I thought the contractions were just Morgan kicking me.
I knew they needed to admit me into the hospital, and that they wouldn't let me out until I gave birth, so I'd be stuck in there for a month.
Well, I wasn't ready to do all that yet. I signed a waiver, called my OB, and said, "I promise I'll come back later. I just need to do something with my family."
At any point in time, the most important thing for me is to spend time and enjoy a meal with my family. So as soon as I got in the car, I asked my husband and my brother to take us to a buffet. I was craving lobster. When we got to the restaurant, Martha begged the chef, "My mom wants lobster. Please, we need to eat now. We need to go back to the hospital."
It's funny to think about it, but I had to make sure that whatever happened to me, I'd be able to bring the family together to do what we enjoy most: eat.
It was a very long period before Marvis and I became like a new mom and dad again. But there was no big change in how we parented Martha and Hernan, and how we are raising Morgan.
When we had Martha, Marvis and I agreed on two things: We won't use baby talk and we won't discipline by hitting. We applied those rules for our first two kids, and we're doing the same for Morgan.
Another rule is that we minimize screen time. Morgan knows that she can only watch TV 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night. She has lots of interactive toys to make up for it. We're trying to be more interactive with her.
Marvis, Martha, and I all work. We may not spend tons and tons of time with Morgan, but we make sure that when we do spend time with her, it counts. So we see to it that at least one of us three is always with Morgan. She has a nanny, but they're always with one of us.
Even my team at work knows that breakfast and dinner are sacred times to me. They can pull me for work any time of the day or night, but not when I'm sharing a meal with my family. And when we eat, we like to converse, even Morgan. We talk about a new movie we like or something interesting we learned about, etc.
When Morgan gets into play school, I am aware that Marvis and I could be the oldest parents there. But I don't really care what other parents will say as long as my family and I are happy. I don't want to prove anything to anyone. From the start, our only focus has been our family's happiness as long as it doesn't come at anyone else's expense.
As early as now, we try to invest in property. Marvis and I also computed how much savings we'll need by the time we retire, so we don't have to ask Martha for financial help. We want her to be able to live her life to the fullest. The same goes for Morgan.
When I was pregnant with Morgan, we decided to build our own home, which we moved into just last December.
We call one of the rooms the Blue Room, and it's dedicated to Hernan. Of course, Morgan knows who her Kuya Hernan is. We frequently bring her to Hernan's grave. She knows what Hernan looks like because we always show her his photos. And we constantly talk about him.
I actually believe that he's here with us all the time. Hernan was born on Jan. 4, and so many times, the number four has shown up in our lives one way or another. The condo unit we moved to after Ondoy was 401. When we watch a movie, it ends up showing in Cinema 4. When we're parking at a mall, we always end up parking on level 4 or at a slot with the number 4. Those aren't coincidences. It's too consistent.
Being a new mother again at my age, after everything my family and I have been through, takes a conscious effort every day to have the right focus and balance. It also requires strength. That's why I'm grateful to have been raised by a strong woman like my mom. I do work hard, but I know when to switch it off so I can be fully present at home with the people who matter the most to me.
