British model and actor Cara Delevingne is known for embracing her sexuality—from previously identifying as bisexual, to identifying as genderfluid, and just last year, coming out as pansexual. But self-acceptance for her wasn’t a walk in the park.
In a recent interview in Gywneth Paltrow’s Goop podcast, Delevingne revealed her struggles before coming to terms with her sexuality.
“I grew up in an old-fashioned household. I didn’t know anyone who was gay,” said the Paper Towns actress. “I didn’t know that was a thing and actually, I think growing up, I wasn’t knowledgeable of the fact that I was homophobic.”
Delevingne said she was “disgusted” by the idea of having same-sex relationships. “Oh, my God, I would never. That’s disgusting.”
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But the struggles and fears while navigating her sexuality took a toll on her mental health, which led her to a dark place in her life where she contemplated suicide.
"I do correlate the massive depression and the suicidal moments of my life (to that) because I was so ashamed of ever being that. But actually, that was the part of me that I love so much and accept," she said.
Delevingne also revealed that her sexuality had a great impact on her modeling career. “I was so unhappy and I wasn’t following my truth, especially in terms of being a model,” she said.
“That whole thing of having to fit into the box—I’m an androgynous person. I love being a woman and dressing up and doing all that, but I also love being a rough and tumble ‘man.’”
After coming out, Delevingne was able to freely embrace her sexuality, though nowadays, she says it is “constantly changing” but also admits that there is self-doubt from time to time and called it “really complicated.”
Delevingne went public with her relationships in the past with actor Ashley Benson and musician Annie Clark of St. Vincent. Delevingne was also rumored to have dated Fast and Furious star Michelle Rodriguez prior to those.
Today, Delevinge said she feels most happy when she is being authentic to herself.
"I feel so much more comfortable in the fluidity of what it is to be just a human and to be an animal, almost, because that's what we are," she said. "To trust in your own instincts."