Why leaving group chats is trickier than it needs to be
To leave or not to leave the group chat? That is the question.
Sen. Imee Marcos recently decided on an answer, infamously: She left the GC of the 20th Congress senators. This came after Senate President Pro Tempore Panfilo “Ping” Lacson took a swipe at her in response to her criticism of the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee, which Lacson previously chaired, for being confusing.
“Mag-attend sana siya ng BRC hearing para hindi siya malito, at makinig siya sa session hall para hindi siya naguguluhan,” he said. “Also, magbasa siya ng mga announcements sa all-senators chat group para updated siya.”
A few hours later, Marcos took to her social media pages with screenshots showing she had left the senators' chat group. She decried the current atmosphere of hostility and preoccupation with dirty politicking not just in the Senate but also in the Lower House. “Ayoko diyan,” she said in her post. She also insisted she would rather work.
Pissed off much, Sen. Imee? Did you think things through before leaving or was it a knee-jerk heat-of-the-moment reaction? Is it a final answer or will you consider rejoining at some point? What about work? Don’t you think you’re denying yourself a direct 24/7 line to all your fellow senators, an always-on tool that helps you perform better or at least helps you be constantly and instantly informed about announcements, both major and minor? Any FOMO? Any fear of getting this by-now usual call out from social media users, "Wala ba kayong group chat?"—except, of course, we know that you guys do and that it’s only you who’s sort of out of the picture now.
But we get you, senadora. Been there, done that: We’ve evicted ourselves from group chats in haste after a spat with another member. Not from a work group chat, though, unless the move came with an immediate and irrevocable resignation from the company. We’re mere mortals, you know: We can’t just up and leave and not expect consequences.
Outside the professional setting, and departures aside, group chats are a boon for connections and, more pointedly, staying connected. It’s one of the great gifts of social media during the pandemic era that keeps on giving in the past-COVID world.
“Being part of a group chat not only builds belongingness but also curbs loneliness, the latter being a detriment for our mental health,” psychiatrist Kathyrn Tan told PhilSTAR L!fe.
But here’s the rub: Group chats have become so good at keeping us connected, or feel “connected,” it can make real-world interactions feel superfluous, if not altogether unnecessary. “Sometimes it hinders you from having real-life meetups or catch-ups, kasi may chat naman,” said Harold, who works in technical support. Sales professional Mark agreed, saying “It’s easier to keep in touch with a group with less effort.”
What are we missing? The love hormone. Research showed that in-person interactions release oxytocin, the love hormone. What we’re getting instead: Online groups, a study found, are more likely to trigger cortisol, the stress hormone.
We all know the latter so well. While group chats are excellent sources of fun, warmth, support, camaraderie, and validation, they can also be overwhelming to the point of toxicity. Too active! Too noisy! Too much ado about nothing! Too much of nothing! Too much inanity! Too much inconsequential chatter! Too open! Too unrestricted! Too uncensored! Too much self-indulgence! Too much of me, myself, and I!
This is where things can get sticky and tricky. Sure, we can mute or turn off notifications to shield ourselves from an online flood of potential stressors from groups that are still worth keeping for some reason or two—friends, connections, crushes, FOMO. But if they’re worth silencing, why not just ditch them altogether? The FOBTABYB (Fear of Bring Talked About Behind Your Back) by some people, because you know you’re bound to hear about it from your friends who are still in the chat?
Oh, the challenges for us, mere mortals. It doesn't help that we are who we are, Filipinos: ever cautious and extra careful about offending others or making them uncomfortable, even at the expense of our own comfort and, in extreme cases, sanity. It may be a stretch to liken leaving a group chat with a breakup—but for all intents and purposes, it is a breakup, especially if you’ve already established deep ties, bonds, and relationships with a considerable number of people in the group.
As with everything internet-related, “Think before you click” would be handy for those contemplating on bolting. Take stock, remember why you joined in the first place, examine why you want to go and consider what you’ll miss and miss out on by leaving. But you also have to think about what you potentially stand to gain.
A one-time disagreement with one or two others, no matter how major, as with the case of senators Ping and Imee, may be better addressed directly, privately, outside the group to spare others the potential discomfort and displeasure and avoid making the spat bigger or graver. But regardless of where and how you choose to address the issue, timing is key. “You don’t have to communicate your side unless you are ready,” Tan said, adding, “and the other party is willing to listen.”
If you’re the type who wants to cover all your bases and would like to involve the group, Tan recommended giving just a general reason for your actions, including your plan to exit the group if you’re so predisposed, to appease the curiosity of others. “You don’t need to provide nitty gritty details,” she said.
More persistent issues with the entire chat is a real cause of concern, especially if the group has moved away from the shared values, principles, or goals that brought the members together in the first place. Ditto when, as with some of Harold’s experiences, a community has become too toxic for our personal taste and already starting to wreak havoc on our mental health. In these instances, the decision to leave is easier, sometimes even a no-brainer.
But regardless of the difficulty in deciding on an answer to the question of whether to leave or stay, we will never know if we’ve made the right call until we’ve actually made it. For those who choose to go, you can ascertain the wisdom of your decision based on how you feel when you’re finally outside the group. Relief means you made the right choice. Anything else means you’d have to be ready to answer another question that Sen. Imee may be asking herself these days: To return or not to return?
