Gentle reminders on good manners
How important are good manners and a sense of decorum in today’s complicated world? Should we really be concerned with rules of social etiquette when there are more critical issues that arise in these interesting times?
It is easy to get so lost in the routine of everyday living that we tend to take many things for granted. It might be helpful to look at the following lists to remind us that it takes very little to be polite and kind as opposed to being mindless, rude, or just plain insensitive.
Here’s a list shared with me by a friend from The Mindspire on Instagram. I picked out my 15 personal favorites from their longer list:
- Keep your phone off the dinner table.
- Maintain eye contact during handshakes.
- Walk beside your guest, never ahead.
- Let others exit before you walk in (or the reverse, let others come inside before you exit).
- Ask about others before talking about yourself.
- Leave space when joining group conversations.
- Listen fully before speaking.
- Say “My pleasure” instead of “No problem.”
- Compliment someone on their character, not just their looks.
- Check your reflection in private.
- Speak only when you can add value.
- Send handwritten “thank you” notes.
- Remember names and actually use them.
- Lower your voice during serious moments.
- Dress for the occasion, not for attention.
I would also like to share my personal list of “Ten Things That Will Always Be Right” found in the first and second editions (2016 and 2017) of Pinoy Manners, the book. I am listing them here again as we welcome your suggestions on timeless tips or rules of daily behavior that you may wish to contribute to this column.
Ten things that will always be right
1. Say “Please,” “Thank You,” and “May I”
Show your gratitude for anything and everything that you feel is a good deed or a fortunate turn of events. Make it a habit to say the “magic words”—“Thank you,” “please,” and “may I”—to everyone you meet in the course of a day, but try to be especially attentive and courteous to waiters, security guards, doormen, taxi drivers, cleaners, janitors, messengers, sales clerks, and other people in the service industry.
Personally, I am grateful for even the little blessings that come my way, like when a business meeting is canceled or reset and serendipitously resolves conflicts in my schedule. I immediately say to myself, “Thank God!”
2. Smile
You can never go wrong when you smile—and look kindly—at people you meet in your day-to-day life. After all, a smile never fails to brighten up even a gloomy day. Go ahead and give strangers a warm, friendly smile; just don’t send them the wrong signals.
A simple smile or a nod of acknowledgment likewise works when people greet you “Good morning, Sir or Ma’am” and you can’t greet them back.
3. Show respect for, and offer to help, older people
You may be young now but remember that you will eventually get to middle age and beyond. While you can, give older people the respect they deserve. Simple acts like giving way to them at crowded places, or offering your seat to them in the bus or train or a waiting area, or stepping aside for them when you are walking briskly go a long way to make them feel good.
While signs urging people to extend courtesy and priority service to seniors and the elderly have become ubiquitous in shopping malls, commercial establishments, and other public places, it is still very refreshing to see young people (and even not-too-young adults) showing extra care, concern, and respect for older members of our populace.
4. Dress decently for the occasion
Your appearance and proper attire will always set the tone of your first meeting… or even succeeding ones.
It is true that “first impressions last” so whether you’re at a business presentation, or an informal dinner, or a wedding, or any social occasion where you meet people for the first time, dressing appropriately for the occasion shows your respect for them. Your clothes don’t have to be expensive, but they must make you look decent and presentable.
I think the basic rules should be ladies must not show too much of anything whether it’s skin, cleavage, or jewelry. And men must avoid wearing shorts, undershirts, jerseys or slippers whenever they venture outside their homes.
5. Keep quiet when you have nothing good or positive to say
Please refrain from making comments about someone’s looks unless your remark will make them feel good. People are especially sensitive when they have weight issues. Thus, exclaiming, “Why have you lost so much weight?” or the reverse, “How did you get so big!” can be hurtful to them.
On the other hand, when someone you know seems to look better or younger than when you last saw her, better to say “You’re looking good”—but only if you mean it. Otherwise, just keep quiet.
6. Use humor to defuse tension or avert potentially volatile situations
More often than not, a sense of humor is enough to cool down bristling tempers and prevent a simple argument from developing into a heated exchange. Learn not to “sweat the small stuff” by laughing at your mistakes or cracking a well-timed joke when you feel like you’re about to lose it.
7. Be sensitive about money matters
We all know that issues about money can cause rifts among family members and even among close friends. A common problem involves unpaid loans, something one can totally avoid by practicing discretion, sensitivity, and a hefty serving of money smarts. For instance:
- If you can’t afford to buy something, don’t get into debt just to have it.
- If you must borrow money from a friend, relative, or a lending institution, try to pay it back on time. If you can’t, simply inform the person who lent you the money and ask for a little more time to settle your debt. Or at the very least, offer to pay for your debt even in small installments.
- If you’re in business, pay your people and your suppliers on time.
8. Avoid being rude or unkind, whether you are the customer/aggrieved party or the one being complained to
It is normal to be upset or angry when there’s a good reason to be, but keep a lid on your temper and avoid shouting, using profanities, or hurling insults at people who have offended you. The ability to stay cool helps in keeping your dignity and respectability intact at all times.
9. Be role models for your children
When I was a young parent, there was a popular TV commercial that intoned, “Kung ano ang nakikita ng mga bata sa matanda, yun ang gagayahin nila.” (Children tend to emulate their elders’ behavior.)
Good conduct, therefore, starts at home. When your children see you acting with kindness and compassion towards your family, your friends, your helpers, and your neighbors, they will do the same thing when they start relating to the outside world.
10. Always remember that nobody’s perfect, so learn to forgive
Everyone makes mistakes—it’s part of being human. Learn to forgive others—and yourself—for shortcomings, lapses, bloopers, and other faux pas. It happens even during the best of times. Just let it go if it means being kinder and more compassionate.
