[OPINION] 'Utang na loob' is not demanded–it is freely given
Growing up, I would promise my parents a picturesque life after retirement: They’d spend their days in a glistening rest house along the beachfront, just a short drive outside of the sprawling metropolis. Maybe they could hold picnics by the shore, read books while swinging on hammocks, or just enjoy sleeping without the interruptions of a ‘TIME TO WORK’ alarm at 4:30 a.m. This wasn’t something they ingrained in me. I was eight years old with no understanding of the housing or job market, and a very slim grasp of how much work would have to go into fulfilling this. It was simply my way of showing thanks for being so loved.
That is utang na loob.
Unfortunately, this core tenet of Filipino culture has taken on a new form in recent years, with previous generations’ idea of ‘debt of gratitude’ slowly resembling abuse. Not even public figures are exempt from this dynamic within their families: I’m sure all of us have heard of the domestic disputes between national Olympic gymnast Carlos Yulo and his mother. I made the mistake of checking the Facebook comment sections under their videos and to my surprise, not everyone was on Caloy’s side. He should have been the bigger person. At the end of the day, that’s still his mother. Wala siyang utang na loob.
There it is again. The concept, so deeply embedded in our ways of socialization, shaped by Spanish colonization and Catholic influences. A journal article dating back to 1961 acknowledges utang na loob as a means of “control, security, and integration,” in a status-seeking society mired by unequal access to resources. We had to rely on each other to get by–that we survive today means we succeeded through community, which is quite poetic when you look at it. But today, a potent cocktail of filial piety, aversion to conflict, and fear of judgment has locked us in this cycle of paying our dues even as our boundaries are violated.
See, in some Filipino families, boundaries simply don’t exist. Everything that belongs to their child is theirs, by default. No questions asked. Some require a substantial share of their finances, even if it means pushing personal goals to the backburner. Others might also require complete agreement with everything they say and absolute control over most of our major decisions, including what we wear, where we go, and who we date. This, according to them, is but a small price to pay in exchange for the gift of life, which they also enjoy waving over our heads from time to time.
Gratitude can be expressed outside of providing a cut of their paycheck or surrendering completely to your judgment, such as spending quality time or giving emotional support during times of trouble.
As our frontal lobes start to develop and we see the flaws in their reasoning, some of our elders are quick to misconstrue our questioning as hostility. But what they don’t always understand is that as parents, they are obligated to provide for us during the time we can’t fend for ourselves. They are quite literally mandated by law–specifically the Family Code–to put a roof over our heads, nourish us, and send us to school. As some from my generation often say, it’s not like we chose to be born.
Sadly, it’s not the first time this issue has come to light – and it definitely won’t be the last. Remember how Dani Barretto was subject to intense scrutiny after voicing her opinions on the topic? The other side often refuses to listen, coming prepared with the same needless criticism against “woke culture” when open communication is the only way a healthy compromise can ever be reached.
If you’re in a family that can’t see you as anything more than what you give them, I’m sorry and my heart goes out to you. While I wouldn’t prescribe making any rash decisions (this is not your sign to cut everyone off and move to the mountains with no back-up plan), I will say that no one should ever guilt trip you into doing what you think is best.
What that will look like depends on the severity of the situation: defending yourself in a heated argument, setting firm and necessary boundaries moving forward, establishing distance from family members in worst-case scenarios. Hopefully, in the process of discerning what peace is for you, you find a support system or a trusted adult who can advise you on best ways forward and validate what you feel.
As for the parents, in case any of you are reading this article: Congratulations! You are taking the first step to seeing things from your child’s point of view. That’s all they ever need sometimes: assurance that you’re listening to them and acknowledging that they now come with their own complex set of feelings and emotions.
Instead of listing down everything you’ve done for your children and reciting it in full whenever mistakes are made, it’s best to ensure that a culture that encourages utang na loob is cultivated early on. Gratitude can be expressed outside of providing a cut of their paycheck or surrendering completely to your judgment, such as spending quality time or giving emotional support during times of trouble.
If children grow up in an environment where reciprocity is encouraged, where we are open about how we hurt each other, and where we are willing to apologize when necessary, what will stop them from bringing these behaviors with them as they grow older? This isn’t just supposition, but a psychologically backed theory: families pass on behaviors, emotions, and relationship patterns across generations.
As for me, I may be 24 and working but I have yet to check off the more conventional adult milestones, i.e., living in my own house, buying a car. And so, the luxury property for Mom and Dad might have to wait a while. I love them and they know that: that’s why they’re sure I’ll make good on my promise. And they love me and I know that—that’s why I’m sure there’s no rush.
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not reflect the opinions of PhilSTAR L!fe, its parent company and affiliates, or its staff.