Big questions to ask before you 'stop the wedding': Is it a relationship red flag or just a personality difference?
What are the relationship non-negotiables that would make you decide to "stop the wedding?"
Recently, a “stop the wedding” trend has been making the rounds on social media, using the audio from Ashe’s new song of the same name. In it, users share relationship “red flags” that would make them want to hit the brakes on saying "I do" and end the relationship.
"If a man can ignore you for hours or days, disappear when things get hard, and choose silence instead of communicating, stop the wedding," one TikTok user wrote.
"If being 'low maintenance' is the only way the relationship stays peaceful, stop the wedding," another one wrote.
@chess_mosa girl bestfriend nga naman #kathniel #kathrynbernardo #danielpadilla #lizasoberano #stopthewedding ♬ original sound - Ching
But not every relationship red flag is necessarily a dealbreaker. Which ones should make you reconsider the relationship, and which differences can couples work through together?
Dani Buenvenida, who discusses dating and relationships in her podcast, Landian with Dani, noted that personality differences within a relationship are normal; these include traits that two parties can compromise on, like different love languages that may cause misunderstandings.
Meanwhile, relationship and family coach Maribel Sison-Dionisio, founder of The Love Institute PH, explained to PhilSTAR L!fe that it can also be as simple as how different you and your partner are in doing household chores, or how you spend money
"There is argument, but you value each other's worthiness. 'Yun 'yung important, value for the worthiness," Sison-Dionisio said.
For her part, Buenvenida said that misunderstandings due to personality differences can be resolved through "communication, respect, and willingness to understand one another."
Dr. Allan Dionisio of The Love Institute noted that couples may determine their compatibility with time, noting Coach Maribel's three-year courtship rule to get to know your potential life partner better.
"You will know whether you're able to resolve your differences...lalo na 'yung mga core values involved," he said.
Red flags that may make you reconsider getting married
Buenvenida explained that a red flag is typically a repeated behavior that crosses boundaries, affects trust, or makes healthy communication difficult. These may include manipulation, controlling behavior, dishonesty, or a refusal to take accountability.
"What this generation fails to identify, though, is the fact that not every 'ick' is a red flag. Sometimes people just love differently from you because of a multitude of factors. At the end of the day, a red flag is a red flag once it’s a recurring behavioral pattern that cannot be corrected through honest and open communication between two people in a couple," she told L!fe.
Here are the behaviors you should watch out for:
Controlling. Sison-Dionisio said controlling behavior may include monitoring a partner’s food, displaying intense jealousy, isolating them from friends and family, or dictating their activities.
"There is an unhealthy desire for power, parang 'ako lang 'yung masusunod.' So [kung] very intense yung controlling behavior, that's a warning," she said. Buenvenida echoed this, noting that oftentimes, people mistake this as being "concerned or protective."
Financially irresponsible. "Meron bang utang yan? Or cannot keep a job? So paano ang financial responsibility later on?" Sison-Dionisio added. The relationship coach noted that people should consider a partner’s track record rather than assuming marriage will change their behavior.
Vices. Dionisio said people should also look for vices such as gambling, substance abuse, alcoholism, or womanizing, and consider whether their partner is willing and able to change before getting married.
"Everyone has the capacity to be abstinent from alcohol or stop gambling for a period of time. Pero at the same time, lilitaw at lilitaw na naman 'yan," he reminded.
Buenvenida added that other red flags include dishonesty, refusing accountability, belittling a partner, avoiding difficult conversations, explosive anger, an unequal emotional or practical load, holding a partner back, and major differences in faith.
Small things that could become issues in marriage
Beyond the major red flags mentioned, the Dionisio couple said seemingly harmless behaviors can become bigger issues in marriage. These include taking each other for granted and constantly judging a partner or nitpicking what's wrong.
Another is letting resentment build instead of addressing conflicts. "To keep the peace, instead of talking, you will allow the resentment to grow until it explodes. So naiipon ang inis at galit. Ang sabi nga namin, huwag mag-iipon ng inis o galit, mag-ipon lang ng pera," Sison-Dionisio said.
The experts added that other seemingly harmless behaviors also include being distracted during conversations and venting about a partner to others instead of talking to them directly.
What to consider before saying 'I do'
Buenvenida noted that compatibility goes beyond looks, and couples must have an honest conversation about faith, finances, children, boundaries, communication, and the kind of life you want to build.
"We don’t have to agree on everything, pero dapat our core values shouldn’t pull us in opposite directions," she stressed.
She added that before considering marriage, people should look at who their partner consistently shows themselves to be, rather than focusing on their potential to change.
"One should ask, 'What does this person consistently show me about their character?', kasi kung mag boyfriend/girlfriend palang kayo tapos may red flags na, don’t stick with the person just because of the 'potential,'" she said.
"Stop the 'I can change him/her mindset' because ultimately, what this person is showing you now is already who they are. You can’t actually 'change' a person," she stressed.
For Buenvenida, choosing a husband also means thinking about the kind of father he would be to her future children.
"One of the main questions I need to have a positive answer to when considering a man for my future is: 'Gusto ko ba paramihin yung lahi ng taong to?' 'Do I want to see and raise more people with the character of this man?' because I’m not only choosing my husband, I’m also choosing the father of my children," she added.
The Dionisio couple emphasized the importance of being on the same page about other major life decisions before marriage, including gender and sexual preferences, and expectations around caring for and setting boundaries with in-laws.
"You should be on the same page as far as the care of your parents and the care of your family. May couples kasi na lahat binibigay sa family at sa mga magulang. Hindi tuloy maka-move forward sa buhay nila," Dionisio said.
"So dapat maliwanag din yung loyalty ng isa't isa is towards each other. Not the parents. And there has to be a way of protecting your spouse or your future spouse from whatever difficulties her in-laws will give her," he explained.
When to work things out or 'stop the wedding'?
For Sison-Dionisio, couples should continually work through their differences by communicating openly, listening, making changes, and negotiating. The experts also recommend seeking professional help and attending marriage preparation programs to strengthen the relationship.
"If you can talk about it, you resolve it; that's a good sign," she said. "Hindi naman mawawala ang away, pero ang intensity of the fight can be reduced if we have more information about the relationship."
For his part, Dionisio said that you may ask yourself a question: "Kung hindi magbabago ang iyong magiging asawa, and you have to live with him or her for the next 40 years, kaya mo ba 'yun?"
Sison-Dionisio stressed that couples might want to reconsider getting married when conflicts become too serious or when they no longer have respect for each other.
"If it's too critical, your partner always feels disgusted by you or has zero respect, or zero respect for each other, huwag ka na makipag-asawa diyan," Sison-Dionisio said. "Getting married will not change it."
