What is 'cushioning' in dating, and how does it affect relationships? • PhilSTAR Life

Do you know anyone who always has someone lined up, just in case their relationship ends?

That’s called cushioning—a dating trend where someone keeps a potential romantic partner on the sidelines as a “backup plan” while they’re still with someone.

Psychologist Jan Patrick Magpantay explained that people who engage in cushioning may do so for different reasons, including insecurity and the fear of being alone.

"Having another person waiting in the background can temporarily create a sense of emotional safety or control because the individual feels that they will not have to face the uncertainty of being single after a breakup," he told PhilSTAR L!fe.

He added that it may also be a way of avoiding vulnerability. Some people keep other options open to protect themselves from rejection, disappointment, or loss. He also noted that dissatisfaction or uncertainty in a relationship may lead them to form connections with others instead of directly addressing their concerns.

"However, it is important to distinguish between simply finding other people attractive or maintaining normal friendships and deliberately maintaining someone as a romantic backup. The latter involves an intention to preserve another person's romantic availability," he said.

How does cushioning affect the person engaging in it and their relationships?

While cushioning may provide a “soft landing” after a breakup, Magpantay said it can offer short-term comfort but cause more insecurity in the long run.

"For the person doing it, constantly maintaining alternative romantic options can prevent them from being fully emotionally present in their current relationship," he said, adding that this can make it easier to leave but harder to build genuine intimacy and commitment.

"It can also create emotional compartmentalization—the person has to manage different versions of themselves and different expectations across multiple relationships. Over time, this can produce guilt, anxiety, secrecy, or emotional exhaustion," Magpantay said.

He added that cushioning may affect the current partner by making them feel replaceable or that their partner was already preparing for the relationship to end.

"That can undermine trust, emotional safety, and commitment. Even if nothing physical happened, the partner may begin questioning other interactions and wondering, 'Was I the only person who thought we were genuinely committed?'" he said.

Is it another form of microcheating?

Magpantay noted that cushioning can be considered a form of micro-cheating, particularly when it involves secrecy, flirting, romantic intent, or emotional intimacy with others.

He, however, noted that not every instance of cushioning automatically constitutes cheating. "'Micro-cheating' itself is not a formal clinical diagnosis, and there is no universal definition of what behaviors qualify. What constitutes a boundary violation ultimately depends on the agreements and expectations within the relationship."

Key issues are intent, secrecy, and breaking relationship boundaries.

"For example, having a close friend of the opposite sex or staying in contact with an ex does not automatically mean someone is micro-cheating. But if a person deliberately maintains that connection because they want the person available as a romantic option, hides the nature of the relationship from their partner, and would be uncomfortable if their partner knew about it, then it moves much closer to micro-cheating," he explained.

"In that sense, cushioning can be viewed as a pattern rather than one isolated behavior. The individual actions may appear small or defensible, but collectively they can communicate a lack of commitment and undermine trust," he added.

Signs to watch out for

Magpantay shared that some indicators that a person may be cushioning include:

Keeping unusually flirty conversations with people outside the relationship while keeping them as potential romantic options
Keeping dating apps active even after agreeing to be exclusive
Frequently messaging an ex in ways that go beyond normal friendship or necessary communication
Keeping a particular “friend” emotionally close and turning to them for comfort, validation, or intimacy whenever there is conflict in the relationship
Being intentionally vague about their relationship status when talking to potential romantic interests
Being secretive about messages, DMs, or social media interactions, especially when they become defensive about reasonable questions
Giving just enough attention or flirting to someone outside the relationship to keep them interested
Acting or talking as if they are still available despite being in an exclusive relationship
Keeping several potential romantic options instead of fully investing in their current relationship and working through its problems

He noted, though, that these behaviors alone don’t necessarily mean someone is cushioning.

"The context matters. A healthy approach is to look for patterns, intent, transparency, and whether the behavior violates the couple's mutually agreed boundaries, rather than trying to diagnose a partner based on a single interaction," Magpantay said, adding that simply setting a “don't talk to other people" rule will not avoid cushioning.

"It is developing enough emotional security and communication within the relationship to tolerate uncertainty without secretly creating an escape route. If someone is unhappy or unsure about the relationship, having an honest conversation or ending the relationship before pursuing another person is psychologically healthier than quietly maintaining a backup plan," he stressed.