How can we feel compassion for the people who have hurt us?
Last month I had the good fortune of traveling to Dharamshala, a small town near the Himalayan slopes in Northwestern India, for a private audience with His Holiness the Dalai Lama.
He has been living there in exile since 1959, when he was forced to escape his homeland after the brutal suppression of the Tibetan National Uprising by the Chinese troops. He is the 14th Dalai Lama, known to the Tibetan people as Gyalwa Rinpoche, and the highest spiritual leader and head of Tibet.
He continues to be active and involved with his students and followers, imparting Buddhist teachings and wisdom around the world.
His primary teaching during our audience was about warm-heartedness and compassion (karunā in the Tibetan language) and how its practice can change the way we look at life, relationships and worries, attracting happiness, connection and forgiveness while giving real meaning and purpose to the journey we have on this earth.
On July 6, he turns 88; he has confided that he only wants to witness more compassion for his next birthday, a trait he believes can conquer almost anything.
While captivated by his presence—it all sounded effortless and possible—I was somewhat intrigued. If compassion is the open secret to peace, happiness and non-violence, why is the world in such turmoil today? How difficult can it be to be compassionate? Is it innate or learned? And how can we, simple mortals, all “works-in-progress” towards our own enlightenment, practice this effectively in our everyday life, planting seeds of benevolence in the present and future generations?
Let’s start from scratch.
What is compassion?
Compassion is described as a profound and essential human quality that encompasses a deep understanding of the suffering of others. It goes beyond mere sympathy or feeling sorry for someone and involves a genuine desire to alleviate others’ pain and provide support.
It arises from a place of unconditional love and kindness that allows us to connect with others on a fundamental level, recognizing our shared humanity. It involves actively listening, acknowledging struggles and challenges, and offering a helping hand or comforting presence.
Compassion promotes unity and fosters a sense of interconnectedness, reminding us that we are all part of a larger tapestry and that our actions can make a positive difference in the world. It is not limited to specific individuals or groups but extends to all living beings, including animals and our environment. It is a transformative force that can inspire and ignite acts of kindness, generosity and selflessness, creating a ripple effect that spreads throughout society in a “pay-it-forward” way.
What is the difference between empathy and compassion?
While empathy and compassion are related concepts, they have individual characteristics.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It involves putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes, perceiving their emotions, and experiencing a sense of resonance with their state of being.
Compassion, on the other hand, goes beyond empathy. It not only involves understanding someone’s feelings but is a desire to alleviate their suffering and promote their well-being.
Compassion includes the active component of taking action or offering support to help others no matter what the circumstance is. Whether you agree with this person’s actions or way of life, it is driven by a genuine concern for the welfare of others and a willingness to extend kindness, care and assistance. While empathy is about feeling with others, compassion is about acting for others.
Ultimately, compassion involves a sense of love, kindness, and a commitment to making a positive difference in the lives of others.
How can we feel compassion for people who have hurt us?
Being compassionate towards people who have wronged us can be a challenging but also a transformative practice. It begins with cultivating empathy and understanding that everyone has struggles, insecurities and flaws. It recognizes that hurtful actions often stem from pain, fear, or ignorance and that harboring anger or resentment only perpetuates negativity.
Take a step back and try to see the situation from their perspective, no matter how illogical or abnormal it may seem. This doesn’t mean you are condoning their behavior, but rather that you are seeking to understand the factors that may have influenced their actions. Practicing forgiveness can be liberating, as it allows us to release ourselves from the burden of resentment and anger.
Remember that compassion doesn’t mean forgetting or ignoring the harm caused but instead responding with kindness and understanding. Treating others with compassion promotes healing, fosters empathy, and creates opportunities for growth and reconciliation.
In the case of Tibet, his exile and the maltreatment of his people at the hands of the Chinese, the Dalai Lama expressed his desire for a peaceful resolution and dialogue between the Chinese government and the Tibetan people. He has consistently advocated for the rights of Tibetans while promoting non-violence and compassion as a means to achieve a mutually beneficial outcome. Despite his personal hardships, the Dalai Lama continues to emphasize the importance of understanding and compassion as a path toward reconciliation and peace.
How can we practice compassion on a daily basis?
Practicing simple acts of compassion regularly can profoundly impact our well-being and the lives of those around us.
Practice active listening. Give your full attention to others when they speak without interrupting or judging. Show genuine interest and empathy for their thoughts and feelings.
Offer kind words. Speak words of encouragement, appreciation, and support to those around you. Simple acts of kindness can have a profound impact on someone’s day.
Practice random acts of kindness. Engage in small acts of generosity, such as holding the door for someone, offering a smile, a hug, or helping someone in need. These acts can brighten someone’s day and create a ripple effect of kindness.
Volunteer your time. Dedicate a portion of your time to helping others through volunteer work. Find a cause or organization that aligns with your values and contribute your skills and talents.
Practice empathy. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and try understanding their perspective and experiences. This helps foster empathy, kindness and compassion towards others.
Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional well-being, and forgive yourself for mistakes or shortcomings.
Show gratitude. Express appreciation for the people, experiences, and things you have in your life. Gratitude helps cultivate a positive mindset and encourages empathy towards others.
Practice non-judgment. Refrain from judging others based on appearances, beliefs, or actions. Instead, approach people with an open mind and strive to understand their unique circumstances.
Practice forgiveness. Let go of grudges and resentments towards others. Forgiveness allows for healing and creates space for compassion and understanding to flourish.
Integrating these small acts of compassion into our daily lives can contribute to a more loving, tolerant and harmonious world.
Sitting in such proximity to the Dalai Lama, listening to him speak, transfixed by his serenity and candidness, stirred many emotions and triggered many questions within me.
Can compassion and warm-heartedness solve the jealousy, violence and power struggles of today’s society? Can forgiveness replace hate with love? Can a warm gesture bring down years of resentment? Can an act of random kindness change another human being’s journey? Can gratitude make your own life a happier one? But most importantly, are we willing to try?
If by cultivating compassion, we can create a more just, equitable and harmonious world where people feel valued, respected, and supported, shouldn’t we consciously practice it more?
Ultimately compassion is beneficial not only to others but also to ourselves, as it leads to greater personal fulfillment, inner peace and a sense of purpose.