What I want my 21-year-old self to know
There are hypothetical conversations that have been had ever since the dawn of time about “what if” scenarios. One of the ones that has interested me the most is the question of whether you would go back to your past, say at 18, or 12, or 13, with what you know now, and what the first thing you would do would be, knowing everything you know now.
Well, of course, this causes a whole bunch of introspection, even hours or days after the question has been asked and answered. To be completely fair, it is hard, especially if the age you’re being asked to go back to is before you were an adult. Why? Because let’s be honest. As a kid, or even a teenager, there are still restrictions on the things you can do that would determine the decisions you make. There are still parameters you have to honor and rules that have to be followed. You cannot willy-nilly go out and say, “Yeah, I’d do this or that,” because in reality, you may not have the capacity to do that. Not obviously you, just the situation you may have been in as a teenager.
So it’s so much easier to think about being 20. Or 21. Even 22. Anyway, for this exercise, let’s make it so that the world is a little more accessible and thus can have many possibilities. So, okay, what would be the top 10 things I would want my younger, 21-year-old self to know?
1. I would like her to know that spending time with family is important, even when you’re trying your damnedest to make your own mark in the world. It is because of them, after all, that you have been shaped, for better or for worse. If you do not have a great relationship with your family, it’s either time to mend that or time to let go. Your 20s are the time to do it.
Save something. Anything. Even if it’s a small amount and even if it feels pointless because the amount is laughable.
2. I would tell her that comparison is a thief, and one of the most efficient ones there is. At 21, everyone around you seems to be doing something more impressive, more glamorous, more “on track” than you are, especially now, with social media and constant updates that are nearly inescapable. The truth is, nobody’s timeline matches anyone else’s, and the people you’re comparing yourself to are probably doing the exact same thing to someone else. Stop keeping score against a game only you’re playing.
3. I would tell my 21-year-old self that not every job, relationship, or opportunity that looks good on paper is good for you. There’s a difference between something that photographs well and something that actually nourishes you. Learn to tell the two apart early, because chasing the photograph is a very expensive habit to break later. I must admit, though, with this one, hindsight really is the key
4. Save something. Anything. Even if it’s a small amount and even if it feels pointless because the amount is laughable compared to what you’ll eventually need. The habit matters more than the number in your 20s. Future you will not care that you started small; she’ll only care that you started.
5. Your body is not going to forgive everything forever. This is when it is key to start those annoying and highly boring habits of having some sort of exercise you enjoy and keeping at it. Also, start learning to make some sort of dish you can make over and over again that is healthy, or semi-healthy, and can be replicated with a limited grocery budget. Learn early that sleep matters. Stress management matters. The all-nighters, the skipped meals, and the “I’ll rest when I’m successful” mentality will collect their debt eventually, usually right when you can least afford to pay it.
6. Not every disagreement needs to be won. Or, more precisely, learn how to fight, whether it be physically or with your words. Learn how to do it with respect. Debate and discourse are things that are fun and that you can learn from if you learn how to do them properly. Learn early which battles are actually about principle and which ones are just your ego wanting the last word.
7. The career path you think you’re on right now is probably not the one you’ll end up on, and that’s not a failure; that’s just how it works. Hold your plans loosely, but be clear about your direction. The rigid five-year plan you’re so proud of at 21 will look almost comical by 28, and that’s a good thing, not a tragedy.
8. Say the honest thing sooner, kindly, to yourself and to others. Whether it’s love, disagreement, an apology, or building a boundary, the years you spend rehearsing the “right” way to say something are years you don’t get back. Directness, delivered with care, saves you more heartbreak than diplomacy ever will.
Which is why I personally am not a fan of that lovely Bisaya word, “plastar.” Nothing happens in plastar except comfortability and steadiness. Don’t get me wrong, it has its place, but when you’re building something, it is worth learning how to be comfortable in your discomfort.
9. You will waste time worrying about what other people think of choices that, five years from now, they won’t even remember you made. Free up that mental real estate. It’s expensive rent for a tenant who isn’t paying you back.
10. Whatever you’re building right now—that career, a new business, a skill—trust that the unglamorous, repetitive, unseen work you’re doing is not wasted. Nobody sees the years of groundwork; they only see the moment it looks like it “suddenly” worked. Keep laying bricks even when no one’s watching the wall go up.
So, would I actually go back? Probably not, even if I could. I’ve worked and failed too hard on my way to get to where I am today, and I like where I am today. These are just things, I suppose, that I specifically wish I had learned earlier. Or rather, taken to heart earlier.
Because here’s the thing about hindsight: it’s not actually a superpower; it’s just a really good rearview mirror. It only works because I already drove the road. Hand 21-year-old me this list, and she doesn’t get to skip the crashes that taught it to me. She would probably have followed a few of these for a week and then moved on as she was. She may just get a slightly better map for a completely different trip, because the moment you hand someone foreknowledge, you’ve already changed who they become.
The version of me who “listens” to all 10 of these at 21 isn’t me anymore. She’s someone else’s origin story. Wow, how meta is that?!
Maybe that’s the real answer to the hypothetical. It was never really about time travel. It’s about noticing that the person asking, “What would you tell your younger self?” already knows the answer: she’s just telling it to herself now, what she wishes she had known back then, coming from whatever age she happens to be. Because the only self you can actually go back and rescue is the one you’re currently being.
The 21-year-old is gone. But the list still applies to whoever’s reading it today, should you want some unsolicited advice from little old me.
So no, I wouldn’t go back. I’d just stop waiting for a version of myself who already knows better to show up and do the work for me. She’s not coming. She’s already here and won’t stop because she’s stubborn as hell.
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