Rom-coms: the good, the bad, and the ugly cry

I’ve been reviewing movies for The Philippine STAR a long time, and rom-coms were never really my thing (more my mother-in-law’s thing, particularly those of the Hallmark variety). Still, when my editor requested a Valentine’s article on memorable rom-com lines and moments, it was an offer I couldn’t refuse.

Hence, a week of Googling movie quotes and watching a lot of YouTube videos: a nonstop cavalcade of kilig moments and emotional torment (I think my brain worm is going into a diabetic coma from too much saccharine).

Here are some findings:

The good

“You make me want to be a better man.”—Melvin (Jack Nicholson) to Carol (Helen Hunt) in As Good As It Gets (1997). Writer/director James L. Brooks had many peaks, and this was one: Nicholson getting to the heart of why we try to do better: to shine in someone else’s eyes.

“Nobody’s perfect.” Some Like It Hot (1959) Jack Lemmon reveals he’s actually a guy in drag to smitten millionaire Joe E. Brown, who smiles and shrugs, and delivers this classic line. From an age when Billy Wilder could do a drag comedy with Lemmon, Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe and nobody batted an eye or filed anti-DEI legislation.

“I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me, but just this little space in between…”—Celine to Jessie, Before Sunrise (1995). Richard Linklater gets metaphysical, with a walking-talking classic between Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. So much of the film is told through silences, but little insights throughout remind us of the fleeting nature of connection.

“I want to make you smile when you’re sad, I want to carry you around when your arthritis is bad…” The Wedding Singer (1998). An unlikely heartwarmer. Adam Sandler, playing the titular character, hauls out an acoustic guitar in coach class and, backed by Billy Idol, sings Grow Old With You to Drew Barrymore.

“I'm so mad at you, for what you did. But I'm mad at myself, too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car. I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates.”—Steve Carell to Julianne Moore in Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011). The premise is a bit sketchy—Ryan Gosling is a bar pick-up artist, bedding different women every night, until he meets the life-changing Emma Stone—but the twists are well-written, the chemistry between Stone-Gosling is undeniable, and all the little romantic subplots, from Steve Carell down, play out like a perfect house of cards gleefully set to collapse in the penultimate scene.

“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”—Billy Crystal to Meg Ryan, When Harry Met Sally (1998).

Another surefire way to win her heart: recite a bunch of stuff she does that you love. It’s New Year’s Eve countdown and Billy has a list for Meg: “I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.”

That’s writer Nora Ephron, and it still pretty much nails what you should remember to say to someone you want to love your whole life.

The bad

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.” The Notebook (2004). Ryan Gosling to Rachel McAdams, who’s flapping her arms in the surf and cawing like… a bird. Not exactly a line designed to be chiseled into the walls of the Taj Mahal.

“He is the cheese to my macaroni.” Juno (2007). Elliot (née Ellen) Page, praising Michael Cera in the most, er, romantic way possible. Certainly nailed the cheese part.

“Any man, anytime, has the chance to sweep a woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.” Hitch (2005). Broom. Got it. Will Smith, stretching hard for that perfect Valentine’s metaphor.

"You complete me." Jerry Maguire (1996). Straight from Catchphrase Hell’s Kitchen, to your dinner plate. Cameron Crowe has Jerry (Tom Cruise) steal the line from a deaf couple in an elevator and just throw it out there before Renée Zellwegger. To show how honest and sincere he is.

"Don't forget: I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." Notting Hill (1999). So what’s wrong with this iconic line? Julia Roberts’ character shows up in Hugh’s store early on with sunglasses and an attitude, displays a “ferocious temper” throughout, then we’re supposed to believe she’s just a simple gal, pinning her hopes on a nobody bookstore owner (who happens to be Hugh Grant). Just doesn’t scan, for me.

"It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there... if you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around." Love Actually (2003). Too glib by a mile. Hugh again, reciting this flibbertigibbet line in an opening voiceover at an airport, for cryin’ out loud, where the camera pans slo-mo past people smiling, hugging and smooching (NOT scowling or looking at their phones or vacant-eyed) like we’re in a Prozac commercial…

The ugly cry

Romantic movies wouldn’t be complete without a wrenching breakup. Cue: sensitive ballad music. Break out the hankies…

“I want you to say you don’t love me, because if you can look me in the eye and say that, I won’t ask any more questions and I won’t be in your life.”—Minnie Driver to Matt Damon, Good Will Hunting (1997).

The midpoint breakup scene between Matt Damon and Minnie Driver feels real because Driver and Damon have mad onscreen chemistry, which you can’t buy or make in a lab. Sure, it features textbook ugly crying, angry accusations and a final nail in the coffin from dead-eyed Matt: “Stop trying to save me. I don’t love you.” Ouch! But he does his own share of ugly crying later.

“Random thoughts for Valentine's Day, 2004: Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.”—Joel, to himself, in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004).

Michel Gondry’s sci-fi rom-com is the ultimate breakup film: Joel (Jim Carrey) wants to scientifically remove all traces of Clementine (Kate Winslet) from his memory. It’s painfully successful, and he spends the rest of the movie trying to get a reboot in a set of heartbreaking moments told in flashback.

“It's like I'm reading a book... and it's a book I deeply love. But I'm reading it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I love you so much. But this is where I am now. And this is who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can't live in your book any more.”—AI Samantha to Theodore, Her (2013)

Who would have thought an AI breaking up with a greeting card writer would break your heart? Coming out a full decade before ChatGPT iterations, Spike Jonze’s sci-fi prediction of near-future loneliness gets under your skin. Joaquin Phoenix tries to understand and love AI Samantha (Scarlett Johansson), but she’s way out of his league. Brutal.