Author Gary Chapman may have written his first book about this topic 30 years ago, but the fact that it is still around means it must be helping people. And since it’s the month of love, let’s review the five ways people express love.
Recently, in a TikTok-posted interview, the very popular love team of Donny Pangilinan and Belle Mariano (dubbed DonBelle) were asked separately regarding their love language. Donny quickly answered “quality time,” which was the answer of Belle in two different interviews as well.
In her vlog, Kathryn Bernardo (half of another top love team, KathNiel with Daniel Padilla) said that she is touchy and clingy. She said that she likes hugging and holding hands. “If you notice, DJ and I are like that because we both have that love language,” she shared.
In an interview on FYE Channel’s Pop Cinema, Kathryn’s friend and fellow actress Ria Atayde said about their friendship: “I’m so blessed to have found a friend that has the same love language as I do, because love languages really matter. So, we both like receiving acts of service and quality time, but we both like giving acts of service and gifts.”
Five love languages
Chapman said in his book that he identified the five emotional love languages after 30 years of doing marriage counseling. He mentions that just like how a language has different dialects or variations, there are various ways to express one’s love language. There is a quiz that one can take to discover one’s love language.
The concept of the five love languages is that people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. When you are aware of your love language and that of your loved ones, you can build stronger relationships and you can identify the root of conflicts, maybe even why you drift apart or fall out of love.
The five love languages are quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
For those whose primary love language is quality time, they express love and affection through their undivided attention. This does not mean just being physically present. You may be beside one another for the majority of the day but if you are on your phone or tablet at all times then that’s not really quality time. The focus is more on the quality, not the quantity.
Active listening is an important component of quality time. This means making eye contact and observing non-verbal cues. Conversation is not planned or rushed. You just listen without judging or jumping to conclusions. Do not impose your own solutions or advice.
In the book, Chapman mentioned that if you look around at couples dining in a restaurant, you would know who are dating and who are married. The ones who are dating are probably holding hands, looking at each other with heart eyes, talking sweetly and listening attentively. Those who are married wait for their food while mindlessly gazing around, reading something or using their gadgets.
Quality time can also mean enjoying activities you love together such as taking walks, traveling together, going on dates, watching concerts, engaging in sports, cooking or baking together. Once married, spouses bury themselves in work to provide better income but in the process they forget to give quality time, which dries up their love tanks.
Words of affirmation, compliments and encouragement fill others with love. These people live for uplifting quotes, sweet messages and love notes.
A person whose love language is physical touch feels loved when they are touched. Hugs, holding hands, shoulder rubs, massage. Touchy and cuddly.
For people who go for acts of service, actions speak volumes of affection. If this is your person, show love by running errands for them, cooking for them, doing their laundry or helping in spring cleaning.
For others, receiving gifts makes them feel loved. The thought process of choosing the gift matters because it will reveal how well you know the recipient. Observe what makes them excited or happy. Don’t wait for an occasion to give a gift when this is your partner’s primary love language.
This also applies to how parents show their love and how children receive them. Most often than not parents think that their children would like to receive gifts only to find out that the child is looking for physical touch or quality time. The child appreciates the gift but does not feel loved.
We cannot do anything anymore about the past, but if we learn each other’s love languages there is still time to strengthen our relationships with love.