Caregiver burnout is real: Finding strength while caring for someone with breast cancer
Each journey through breast cancer is a testament to the strength of the one going through it, as it should be. But too often, the recognition of courage and grit stops with the patient or survivor, with people forgetting about the ones who care for the women warriors.
Breast cancer caregivers, whether they are family members, friends, or on-call nurses, are responsible for keeping track of their patient's medication, diet restrictions, physical activities, and emotional well-being, among many others. Such a load can lead to extreme physical, mental, and emotional fatigue for the caregiver.
"Burnout is common among caregivers due to the number of roles that they would usually handle to take care of their patients," psychologist Lordy Santos told PhilSTAR L!fe. "This is on top of their roles in their own life, especially for those who have their own family or other responsibilities outside the sphere of their caregiving jobs."
Three caregivers—an on-call nurse and two husbands caring for their loved ones through breast cancer—shared with L!fe how they deal with burnout and, equally important, what support they believe caregivers need so they can keep showing up.
'Watching her struggle...was the hardest part'
Patti Malay was diagnosed with stage zero breast cancer three months before her wedding to her husband, K Vijay Nathan, a global marketing manager for a manufacturing company. A week after they got married, Patti underwent a mastectomy on one breast in Manila as part of her treatment. Now that the couple is back in Singapore, where they are based, Vijay continues to support Patti as her caregiver.
"The most stressful part was probably the uncertainty. Before and around the surgery, there are so many things going through your head, but you also feel like you need to stay calm because the person you love is the one actually going through it," Vijay told L!fe. After Patti's surgery, the worry continued over whether her recovery was going well.
"You find yourself paying attention to every little thing and wondering whether something is normal or whether you should be concerned," Vijay said, adding the feeling of helplessness nagged at him.
"I could take time off, look after her, make food, drive her somewhere, or sit beside her, but I couldn't actually take the illness or the fear away from her," he said. "Watching her struggle and not knowing if I could do anything about it, that was probably the hardest part."
During the first month of Patti's journey, Vijay didn't consciously set out to "avoid burnout." What he did do was try "to maintain some normality where possible—getting enough rest, having some time to myself, and talking to people rather than carrying everything internally," he said.
What made a big difference for him was taking leave from work.
"It meant I wasn't trying to be fully present at work while also worrying about what was happening at home," Vijay said. "For that month, I could focus on her recovery."
Gradually, Patti recovered, reaching little milestones as she went.
"That's probably the most rewarding part," Vijay said. "You want to become unnecessary as a caregiver because it means the person you love is getting better."
'It's okay to feel tired'
John Cornejo with his wife Celine Courtesy of Celine Cornejo
John Cornejo, 45, is the main caregiver of his wife Celine, 43, a preschool teacher who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in 2024. The cancer has since spread to her bones.
From the time Celine received her diagnosis, the Cornejo family's lives changed.
"We had to adjust our routines, priorities, and plans for the future," John told L!fe. "There were moments of fear, uncertainty, and helplessness, but I knew I had to stay strong for Celine and our three children."
Caregivers don't always have to pretend to be strong. It's okay to feel tired. It's okay to be worried. And it's okay to ask for help.
When Celine was undergoing chemotherapy, it left her weak, nauseous, and, sometimes, too drained to go about her usual day.
John's tasks then were "to make sure she was comfortable, had enough rest, took her medications, and had everything she needed," he told L!fe. "At the same time, we had three children to take care of, so we had to find a way to maintain some sense of normalcy at home despite everything."
With everything he has to do, the most stressful part for John is the uncertainty and "watching her go through chemotherapy."
"As her husband, my instinct is always to protect her. But I've also learned that caregiving means respecting her choices and allowing her to have a voice in decisions about her own health," he added.
To keep from getting burned out, John keeps his well-being in mind, too.
"I try to maintain...balance by spending time with our children, keeping up with our normal family activities, and finding moments to rest and recharge. I also believe that having time for yourself is important, even if it's just something simple," John continued.
One major realization John made through his and his wife's journey is that "caregivers don't always have to pretend to be strong. It's okay to feel tired. It's okay to be worried. And it's okay to ask for help," he said.
"Taking care of myself doesn't mean I'm taking care of Celine any less. It means making sure I have the physical and emotional strength to continue supporting her and our family," John added.
'Avoiding burnout can be challenging'
Michael C. Tiongson, RN, has been caring for Celine since she began her chemotherapy treatment.
His responsibilities include inserting an IV line, administering pre-medications, and, when Celine was still taking her chemotherapy via IV, connecting her to the prescribed chemotherapy infusion. Nurse Mike, as Celine calls him, also monitors Celine's condition during and after chemotherapy, specifically for side effects, such as nausea and vomiting.
Although he admitted that "avoiding burnout can be challenging" because of the demands of his work as a nurse, working with Celine has not been overwhelming because of her strength and positivity.
"She truly is a fighter. Before every chemotherapy session, she would always bring such positive energy into the room, and that positivity was contagious," Nurse Mike told L!fe. "Instead of feeling stressed, we felt inspired by her courage and determination to keep fighting."
Still, Nurse Mike said burnout comes with the job, and he has a remedy for it.
"Sometimes, we take short vacations or simply spend time eating out with friends to relax, recharge, and relieve stress," he said. "These simple activities help us step away from our daily responsibilities for a while and regain the energy we need to continue caring for our patients."
The support they need
All three men shared a list of crucial items caregivers need as support:
- Employers who allow them to take time off work so they can focus on caregiving
- Clear guidance on the medical team on what to watch for, when they should worry, etc.
- People who can step in when needed, even if that involves just asking the caregiver how they are
- A support system that provides practical help, like babysitting and helping with errands
- For nurses, they need better compensation, adequate staffing, a manageable workload, and better work-life balance.
"Caregiving is more debilitating for relatives who are taking care of their loved ones or family members due to the added emotional burden, anticipatory grief, or even guilt, which limits their capability to take care or even prioritize themselves," said Santos.
Like what Vijay, John, and Mike shared, "Practical support is one of the most important [modes of] assistance people around the caregiver can offer," the psychologist said, adding that emotional support is just as vital.
"They need people with whom they can openly talk, without the fear of being judged," Santos said. "Periodic breaks should also be given to each caregiver so they can again start taking care of themselves."
To cope with the hair loss brought about by chemotherapy, Celine put up Kusog, her own line of headwraps, or her "armor," as she calls them. Designed for all ages, Kusog headwraps, as well as a community of breast cancer warriors, can be found on Instagram.