Sharenting: Why we really do it and when we shouldn't

When my daughter was about four, I discovered her barefoot in Starbucks because she decided to leave her sandals with the ducks in the Greenbelt pond "so their feet wouldn't get dirty." About two years later, she asked me not to eat balut because I "might hurt the baby duck." My son was about three when he swallowed half an earthworm while we were gardening in our backyard. At around five years old, he sprinkled sand on his oblivious older sister's hair because he "wanted to see if she would get really mad."

Although these were all just little moments in our family life, my Facebook friends knew about them; not because all 700 of them lived with us but because I shared about my kids on social media—just like millions of other parents across the globe. 

Did that make me a bad parent? I'm not sure. 

But when my kids hit their teens, both invoked their veto rights on my and my husband's social media posts about them. If, before then, I were clueless about how they felt having parts of their private life paraded on social media, that request took out my parenting blind spots. 

Why do we do it?

Recently, a mother's post about her daughter's school pencils went viral on Threads. Pencils. I posted about balut. When a friend's son was three, she posted a photo of his toes. 

Based on our choice of subjects, there is nothing too small in our children's lives that won't warrant a spot in our social media. 

On the other end of the spectrum, parents also fall all over ourselves to deliver kilometric posts with photo carousels about our children's achievements. The first birthday, the first tooth falling out, graduation, prom, even cooking a whole meal for the first time—each of these milestones must be shared online lest people think our children have zero accomplishments. 

"For many parents, social media has become their modern version of the family photo album, but with an audience," Zeia Valencia, a clinical psychologist who specializes in family relationships, told PhilSTAR L!fe.

"Sharing milestones can give them a sense of connection, pride, and validation, especially in the Philippines, where family achievements are often celebrated collectively," she added.

Thinking about my mindset when I was indiscriminately sharing about my children online, I realize Valencia was right. I did it for all those things. 

I was a mother in her late 20s who was relatively isolated from friends because everyone was doing their own thing. I needed to connect with people outside my little family unit. I had to let the online community know about how proud I was of my kids. And I craved assurance from friends that I was a good mother. 

How did I get all that? By posting on social media about how I thought my kids were funny, kind, and smart. The like, love, laugh reacts my friends delivered were enough to get me through difficult days. My husband's real-life like, love, laugh reacts weren't enough, it seemed. As a young mother, I apparently needed reassurance from my Facebook algorithm, as well. 

The bad side of oversharing

I stopped sharenting (a portmanteau for sharing + parenting) the moment my kids, who are now 20 and 17, asked to screen my posts about them; around the time they became teenagers. A good thing, too, because according to Valencia, sharing too much about children online can pose dangers to them, as well as their parents. 

"Sharenting becomes concerning when the parent's need to share starts outweighing the child's rights to privacy, dignity, and eventually, consent. Especially when embarrassing, vulnerable, or highly personal moments become their content," Valencia told L!fe. 

"It can also become unhealthy for the parents when the number of likes, comments, or comparisons with other families begin influencing how they evaluate themselves or their children," she continued.

"There is a difference between sharing your joy and needing an audience to feel good about your parenting," said family psychologist Angelo Subida. When this happens, "Parenting can slowly become performative," Subida told L!fe.

If parents continue to post about their kids on social media, there's a real danger of the children growing guarded around their parents. They'll be editing what they share with their parents because they worry that something private might end up on mom and dad's Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok.

A compromise?

Although I now only occasionally share about my kids online, and always with their approval, many parents continue to indiscriminately post content about their children.

Valencia has some tips on what's safe to put on social media. "A useful rule here is to share your experience of parenting, not every detail of your child's experience of being parented," she said. 

Your child's school and location information, medical details, intimate or partially nude photos, embarrassing punishments or meltdowns, and deeply personal struggles must always stay offline. These compromise your child's safety, privacy, and dignity. 

"We have to remember that today's cute or funny post becomes part of a child's permanent digital footprint, often created before they were old enough to consent to having one," Valencia said. 

If you insist on keeping your kids regularly on your social media timeline, "check privacy settings and audiences, avoid vulnerable or embarrassing content, and once the child is old enough, practice asking permission and respecting a 'no' without guilt-tripping them," Valencia recommended. 

Support that counts

Social media engagement can give quick dopamine boosts. Offline, different kinds of support from spouses or partners, family, real friends, non-judgmental parenting groups, even therapy, matter, too.

Subida suggested parents ask themselves, "'Did I love and guide my child well today?' not 'Did people approve of my parenting today?'"

I've found lasting validation in my husband, my family, my safe circle of true friends, and, when they're feeling big-hearted, my kids.

Valencia agreed. "Sometimes, what a parent needs isn't hundreds or thousands of reactions but one safe person, saying, 'Nakakaproud ka naman!' or 'Kumusta ka naman?'" This is enough to keep me going.

And before you ask: Yes, my kids approved the introduction to this essay (after rejecting the first draft).