Is coming out still 'necessary’? What queer Filipinos are saying now

Is coming out still necessary?

In my conversation with Nix Mariano, a queer life coach who dedicates her time giving motivational speeches to the rainbow community, she emphasized that there’s no definitive answer as to whether a person should come out or not.

“[Coming out is] a decision that each individual should be choosing. Not for anyone else, but for themselves alone—na will it really give them peace? Would it really give them freedom? Would it really give them what they are looking for?” she said.

“If they feel that they will free themselves from doing that, then by all means, ‘di ba? If not, then why force them? Why force themselves? Just because sinasabi ng society? Dahil sinasabi ng community?” she added.

Because of how society has become more accepting, Mariano observed that the younger generation tends to get influenced to come out to their families, but she cautioned that this can backfire on those who grew up in more conservative environments.

“One experience may be different [from] another. May nag-come out tapos very much welcomed. So parang, ‘Ah, mawe-welcome ka pala. Ah, ito pala yung feeling.’ Then another person will do the same, and then in the end, they did not get the same result. They will end up being hard on themselves, and that creates the challenge,” she said.

For Loreta Arroyo, a trans woman writer and LGBTQ+ rights advocate, coming out shouldn't be seen as a necessity.

“If you are a person who belongs to the LGBT community, hindi ka dapat required. The feeling of necessity shouldn't exist for you to come out in a way that it's more like a public statement,” she said.

“In terms of coming out, ang tingin ko sa kanya is parang pagkakaroon ng jowa—meaning that it's not a secret, but sometimes you also don't want to publicize it. There are some people na sobrang flashy nila with their jowa, but there are also some people who like to keep things private. So I feel like in terms of gender, baka dapat ganun natin siya tignan,” she added.

Nevertheless, there are still situations where disclosing one’s sexuality becomes significant, particularly in healthcare. As a trans woman, Arroyo always discloses to medical practitioners that she is biologically male whenever she goes for a consultation.

“To some degree, the amount of care that they will give you can easily be personalized. The moment I tell them [that] I identify as a trans woman, and my pronouns are she and her, pwede silang mag-ask ng additional information. Pwede nilang i-tailor fit [yung] care that they will give to me,” she explained.

“Even though I'm not operated, I tell my nurses na, unfortunately, I'm not really super comfortable with having male nurses because I feel like may awkwardness,” she added. “So my safe space is respected. So ‘yung mga ganung bagay. I don't think the term is ‘necessity,’ but more like there are advantages to coming out.”

What if coming out stops being the norm?

It’s still far off in the future before coming out stops being an expectation for the LGBTQ+ community, but if the time comes when it’s no longer seen as a norm, will queer people lose anything by it?

Arroyo believed that if coming out was no longer expected, it would significantly improve mental well-being.

“If you're an LGBT person and you're at the time when you're coming to terms with your gender identity, you're thinking all of these things na, ‘Anong sasabihin ng iba't tao?’—grabe ‘yung mental toll, grabe ‘yung emotional burden niya. It's a super duper heavy thing that would really affect people's mental health,” she said.

“That's why there are some people who, unfortunately, go into some level of depression and worse simply because they cannot take the mental and emotional toll of coming out,” she continued, citing Trevor Project's 2023 research on how high rates of self-harm have been found among LGBTQ+ youth.

Mariano agreed that coming out brings risks for those who face rejection, discrimination, or misunderstanding from family, workplace, or cultural communities.

“Some individuals also struggle with the pressure of choosing a label or identity, especially when the current landscape includes so many evolving terms. For many, this can feel overwhelming or even alienating,” she said.

She also said that others are afraid to come out “due to family values, businesses they built, respect for culture, and fear of being singled out.

However, when the stars align and all things go your way, coming out can lead to a “sense of freedom, authenticity, and emotional relief” and can “open the door to deeper connections and help individuals build relationships based on honesty.”

Because of this belief, Mariano underscored that “each person’s journey is unique.”

“We should remind people na you need to take time on really figuring it out. And whatever is your chosen preference, those are things na dapat will be respected moving forward na lang,” she said.

“I believe that everyone — whether out or not — deserves the same love, respect, and care. What truly matters is a life of self-discovery and self-love, grounded in safety and authenticity,” she continued.

Is it something you want to do?

There is no timeline or deadline when it comes to opening up about your sexuality. Take as much time as you want and focus on yourself.

“Start by seeking safe spaces—whether that’s a friend, community, support group, or professional coach. Find your tribe: people who see you, respect you, and accept you,” Mariano said.

“What can be helpful are open and non-judgmental conversations with any individual. This is an opportunity to help any individual discover who they truly are. To allow someone to go through their own discovery of themselves now as they embrace who they were before,” she added.

In any case, Mariano believes that a person can still live authentically even if they choose to remain private.

“In this digital age where so much of life is online, choosing to keep parts of your identity private is not only valid — it can also be empowering,” she said. “Being true to yourself starts from within. As long as you are not harming yourself or others, and you feel at peace with who you are, you are already living authentically. Each person has the freedom to decide what they share, when they share it, and with whom.”

What to remember

If coming out feels like the right step for you, Arroyo advised that you should first consider what comes with your self-disclosure.

“When you come out, what comes of it? Magpapalit ka ba ng wardrobe, the way you express yourself? Would you want to be called by a different name na? Would you have different preferred pronouns now that you also want other people to respect and use when referring to you? So ‘yun ‘yung mga bagay na you have to consider,” she said, reminding that you also want "other people to be comfortable with you, and that starts with letting them know kung ano ‘yung mga bagay or changes, if meron man.”

You can also find a community that makes you feel accepted. "When you are firming up your decision to come out, it's best that you also get to hear other people's stories on ano bang ginawa nila, ano ba ‘yung mga naging reactions, and how they were able to deal with those reactions. Para ready ka,” Arroyo underscored.

Most importantly, you should always prioritize your safety, even if it means sacrificing your coming-out moment.

“If your parents are not really accepting of [the] LGBT community and the moment na mag-come out ka, baka tipong palayasin ka, don’t do it… You have to make sure your safety comes first,” Arroyo urged, sharing how her own household wasn’t a safe space for her back then.

“Make sure you understand your environment, i-consider mo lahat kung anong mga pwedeng mangyari. Find people whom you can be comfortable with, para at least there's some level of you forming a community. For me, my community back then was my batchmates in high school—my sisterettes, as I called them. So sa kanila ako nakahanap ng family,” she highlighted.

As someone who went through his own coming out journey, society's opinion of your new self shouldn't define or limit your sense of worth. At the end of the day, what matters is that you're living your life however you want.