Avoid misgendering: Here's a guide on how to respectfully share pronouns
A controversy ignited online when queer writer Jude Bacalso was accused of making a restaurant staff member stand for two hours as punishment for calling her "Sir."
In a translated Facebook post that has gained more than 33,000 shares and 26,000 reactions as of writing, a social media user narrated how the incident happened. According to him, an employee from Ulli's Ayala Center Cebu stood for two hours due to an alleged misgendering issue.
"Hello! Ikaw ba ang nagpatayo ng empleyado sa Ulli's Ayala Center Cebu ng dalawang (2) oras dahil tinawag ka ng server mula sa Ulli’s na 'Sir'?" the post read.
The user continued that when he approached Bacalso and the staff to ask what was really happening, the former TV personality "sarcastically" said, "Go ask him," while pointing to the server.
The server replied, "Natawag ko siyang Sir."
The user continued, "Ayon kay Jude, may tanong siya sa server na hindi nasagot at sinabi ni Jude na, 'Aw you will be standing there until makatubag ka sa akong pangutana.' Hindi ko alam ang eksaktong tanong pero siguro ito ay may kinalaman sa pronouns at pagkakamali sa gender. Para sa konteksto, nag-sorry na ang server pati na rin ang mga empleyado kay Jude pero hindi pa rin niya pinalis ang server. Walang manager sa Ulli's Ayala Center Cebu at ilang empleyado ang umiyak dahil wala silang magawa."
Meanwhile, a day after the incident, Bacalso posted a public apology on Facebook saying that she and the restaurant management had quietly settled the matter and "agreed to pursue together more inclusive practices in the restaurant."
"I also realized that in the impassioned pursuit of my advocacy, I could have done with a little measure of kindness, sadly quite absent in the ruckus this has all unnecessarily created when it was made public without our knowledge," she wrote.
"I made a personal apology to the group present, and requested if I may do so for the concerned waiter. I am also making it very public with this post, as it has become quite public fodder," she added.
Nonetheless, Bacalso set the record straight, emphasizing that she "did not demand" the waiter stand for the said period as she explained her side of the gender sensitivity issue.
"It was he who chose to stand in front of me as we waited for input from management, who I attempted to contact," Bacalso implied.
Bacalso concluded her statement. "My apologies also to the rest of the staff who are disheartened by the way things have escalated, as well as to the customers present at that time. This is a huge chunk of humble pie that I must ingest, because I have erred."
How to specify your pronouns
In light of increased awareness about gender identity, what is the best way to inform others of our pronouns?
Janlee Dungca, a proud transgender woman and an LGBTQIA+ advocate who is working in the PR industry, reminded the public through a Facebook post that it is "wrong" to misgender a transgender individual.
"Mali ang pag-misgender o ang pagtawag ng sir sa isang transgender woman at maam sa isang transgender man," she wrote, while also noting that it is wrong to maltreat others just because they misgendered a person.
"Natural ang magkamali. Kung hindi sadya ang pag-misgender, itama nang mahinahon para matuto ang nagkamali. Kung sadya ang pag-misgender, itama nang isang beses. Kung paulit-ulit at tahasan na ang pambabastos, talikuran at iulat sa kinauukulan," she explained.
To avoid such incidents, Janlee told PhilSTAR L!fe, if you are unsure of what you will use to call a person, don't be afraid to "ask when truly needed."
You can achieve this by using the right context (your relationship with the person to be asked), intent (your intention for asking), and approach (your wording and tone).
"If all are checks, then you can ask by sharing your name and pronouns first so that it's more relational which can help make the other person feel at ease. You can also state your purpose for asking," Janlee underscored.
For instance, one can say, "Hi, I'm [name] and my pronouns are she/her. May I ask for your name and pronouns so I can address you properly?"
'It's about respect'
Meanwhile, Transmasculine Philippines founder Matt Reyno (he/him) shared in a previous interview with L!fe that he communicates his pronouns while also understanding that mistakes happen. However, he won't tolerate transphobia. When misgendered, he corrects people about using the proper pronouns.
"Since I'm not yet on T (testosterone), one of my giveaways that I'm trans is my voice. I'm very masculine-presenting and most people don't clock me as trans until I start talking. Whenever I have to use the phone, it was very common for people on the phone to call me ma'am and that's how I would start. Every time that happened, I would quickly go, 'Sir po ako,' and they would usually apologize and start addressing me by sir. That kind of helped me build confidence to start doing it to people face-to-face," he shared.
Venus Aves (she/they), the non-binary former president of UP Babaylan, shared with L!fe that they patiently endure misgendering while also educating others about the importance of asking for pronouns.
"I try to normalize asking pronouns, asking their names, and being gender-sensitive," she said. "It's okay not to get it right the first time. What's important is that everyone has the willingness to learn, unlearn, and relearn things. Remember that it's about respect. We just want to be treated like human beings with human rights and dignity."
In terms of how she shares her pronouns, Aves said she adds her pronouns to her social media profiles, email signatures, and Zoom handles. But when meeting people for the first time, she introduces herself using her lived name and pronouns or adds her pronouns to her name tag during conferences.
Aves also underscored that while there are many ways to do this, consistent effort is key until it becomes "an everyday social practice."
"We must remember that even after letting them know, other people may get it wrong sometimes. This is not just a specifically trans experience, as cisgender people may also get misgendered. In my experience, when I know that it was an honest and unmalicious mistake, I just kindly correct the other person and trust that they will continue using my lived pronouns," she added.
Aves continued, "However, for various reasons, not all trans people can do that. This is where allies must step in. Genuine allyship means having the courage to openly correct other people when they misgender your trans siblings and engaging in brave and respectful discussions on how to do better."
Preferred pronouns in a school setting
UP Diliman, through the university's Center for Women's and Gender Studies, took a step towards inclusivity for its transgender and gender non-conforming students (TGNC) by releasing guidelines that grant them the right to use their preferred names and pronouns in class.
- Ask for the student's lived names, pronouns, and titles, regardless of their transgender issue. This will allow the educators to not deadname or misgender them in front of their classmates. For instance, you can ask, "What is your live or chosen name, or your nickname? What are your pronouns? What title/s do you use?"
- Use a TGNC student's lived name, pronouns, and titles while encouraging non-TGNC students to do the same. As per UP, "Think of lived names as similar to nicknames, in that, for some cisgender (i.e., non-transgender people, their nicknames are not at all based on or related to their legal names."
- Model other best practices for affirming TGNC students. This includes using gender-sensitive and/or gender-neutral language whenever applicable, such as "everyone," and "folks" instead of "guys" or "ladies and gentlemen." One can also use the singular "they" instead of he/she, which is an English counterpart to the Filipino gender-neutral "siya."
