How can I grow at work if I can’t outgrow being a people-pleaser?
After graduation, I chased a dream that mixed Carrie Bradshaw with Rebecca Bloomwood: weekday writing in Ayala and weekend shopping in Salcedo. Although I curated a polished image of success, hidden beneath were insecurities, as my usual eloquence faltered in the rigid world of corporate jargon.
My school habits of overextending myself to please others, taking on more than my share in group projects, and zealously exceeding expectations, even when it led to imbalance or burnout, did not disappear with my graduation cap. They followed me into the office and every corner of adulthood.
My quiet compliance became a double-edged sword, leaving me exploited, sidelined, and afraid to challenge the system.
Adjusting to the working world, I struggled between being the compliant student I had been and the confident professional I needed to be.
Honor roll ends at graduation
The formulaic qualities that had once made me a stellar student, like agreeableness and over-preparedness, left me confused. My quiet compliance became a double-edged sword, leaving me exploited, sidelined, and afraid to challenge the system.
Psychologist Dr. Marinette Asuncion-Uy, Psy.D., a specialist in decolonizing mental health, referenced Virgilio Enriquez’s Sikolohiyang Pilipino to explain that the resources that once empowered our success in school aren’t a one-shoe-fits-all solution as we enter the professional world.
She revealed, “Young professionals, particularly Filipinos, uphold the principles of kapwa and pakikisama. We grow up in contexts where achievement in the classroom and our ability to conform to preconceived notions of success are significant factors in determining our value.”
The soul’s fading glow
Dr. Nette said that fresh graduates often enter the workplace conditioned to say "yes" when they mean "no.”
“In Filipino families, where the pressure to avoid shame (hiya) can be immense, this fear can follow us into the workplace,” she said. “Many young professionals feel stuck, unsure how to assert their ideas or take initiative, and afraid of being criticized or seen as a failure.”
She also ties this to Prospero Covar’s concept of kaluluwa, and how our souls become fragmented when external pressures constantly shape us. “In school, we might learn to prioritize pleasing others, but in doing so, we lose connection with what we truly want.”
This fragmentation hit hard as I experienced the dissonance between my idealistic school theories and the cutthroat realities of the corporate world. While attending prestigious events and meeting upper echelons, I wonder how my younger self would feel, seeing me thrive in the system she once critiqued in essays on socialism and laissez-faire economics.
The world isn’t as black and white as I once believed. It’s a sobering realization, whether I’ve grown wiser or simply reacquainted with the gray areas of adulthood.
But a period of disillusionment can build a strong sense of self as we develop our careers. Dr. Nette explained, “For many of us, it’s as if we’ve spent years walking through life with a mirror, constantly checking how others see us, always asking, ‘Am I good enough in their eyes?’” When we begin questioning why we’re so focused on this mirror, we catch glimpses of our true selves, independent of others’ views. It also becomes a chance to realize that the drive to please is like carrying a physical mirror, too—it’s heavy and slows us down.
Playing dress-up as a grown-up
My mind drifts into spirals, triggering moments of derealization as I stand in line at an ATM or train. Is this what growing up feels like: this constant haze of responsibility? When did I become just another face in an office sea?
The idea of cosplaying as a responsible adult forever terrifies me despite practicing for this all along. But this anxiety pushes me to question the status quo and dare to design a life that's uniquely mine. Embracing the discomfort of change and second-guessing myself, especially when academic nostalgia and validation are constantly sullying my sense of self, is part of the journey—unfortunately. As much as I dread it, learning to reconcile empathy with establishing boundaries in work without guilt is a path I must face.
Dr. Nette advocated, “Boundaries aren't about separation; they're about engaging in kapwa without losing oneself.”
“Like bamboo—strong yet flexible, deeply rooted yet reaching for the sky—we must find grounding. Only then can we grow strong and unshakable, swaying with the winds of change without losing ourselves.”
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Follow Dr. Nette on YouTube at youtube.com/@TheBrownPsych, where she explores decolonized approaches to mental health. Visit thebrownpsych.com to learn more about her efforts to integrate cultural understanding into mental health practices.