Friends should fight more
Every week, PhilSTAR L!fe explores issues and topics from the perspectives of different age groups, encouraging healthy but meaningful conversations on why they matter. This is Generations by our Gen Z columnist Angel Martinez.
Too many of us no longer know how to be good friends.
A current of hyperindividualism runs through today’s platonic relationships, co-opting pillars of the self-care movement even if it comes at the expense of others. As a means of “protecting our peace,” we respond in robotic therapy speak to anyone in need of emotional support, or write off those who want to spend time with us as an inconvenience. I’d laugh about it if it weren’t so depressing.
There are many factors to blame, the pandemic is the most obvious scapegoat. But I believe it’s gone on for so long because whenever this happens to us, we don’t know how to fight with our friends. We have lost the crucial skill of sitting comfortably alongside conflict and disagreement. Instead, we bottle our emotions, and give them the benefit of the doubt. They probably didn’t mean it, anyway. Granted that’s true, but when can we repeat that to ourselves and still believe it?
Previous generations have always been peace-loving folks, sometimes to the point of martyrdom. Ateneo de Manila University student affairs professional and formator Kaethe Del Mundo attributes this to certain concepts of ‘sikolohiyang Pilipino’: “Filipinos are really conscious of how they’re perceived by others or by society, so they will most likely avoid difficult topics out of fear they’ll cause them shame or hiya,” she explained to PhilSTAR L!fe. “There’s also this idea of kagandahang-loob, this cultural inclination to let things pass in the name of kindness.”
Del Mundo also brings up kapwa, or shared identity and interconnectedness: the idea that we often see our relationships as extensions of ourselves. “When conflict arises, we may be hesitant to address it right away out of fear that this will damage the bond we have with the other,” she said. Our friendships are also so entwined with our self-image that fracturing them feels like a result of personal shortcomings. The blame shifts inward, from ‘Why did they do that to me?’ to ‘What did I do to make them do that to me?’
Keeping everything inside, however, will only prove detrimental in the long run. When we allow others to walk all over us and violate our boundaries, we risk losing respect for ourselves. “When we realize that it was wrong for us to let certain things slide, we could spiral: we see that we compromised our values and start feeling taken for granted, which causes a lot of mental and emotional distress,” Del Mundo added.
Unlike what has been indoctrinated in us, Filipinos are very much capable of conflict resolution. Social psychologist Virgilio Enriquez posits that we also possess various ‘confrontative’ values: lakas ng loob (inner strength), pakikibaka (sharing in struggle), and bahala na (facing uncertainty). We are very much amenable to voicing our concerns if it means preserving our sense of self-respect. So there is actually no excuse to keep shying away from sensitive discussions!
Trust that there will be this initial resistance: that fear settling in the pit of our stomach is a sign that we care enough to consider the consequences of losing the relationship. But, let’s think for a second: if you open up to someone about the ways they’ve hurt you and how you can move forward and their response is to gaslight or blame you, isn’t it better to have known that side of them now? Crossfires are crucial to figure out if they’re even worth keeping in our lives, so if you look at it another way, it’s a win-win situation no matter what.
Del Mundo suggests preparing beforehand—setting aside the right time when both parties have the emotional bandwidth, writing down your points and tempering them if needed, and even rehearsing in front of a mirror or with another person. “Most of all, I think it’s important to reassure the friend that everything you said comes from a place of care. You are bringing up the issue not to hurt them, but because you value your relationship and want it built on a foundation of honesty.”
I am a firm believer that real friendships are made better after hard conversations. We know more about who we are and what we will and will not tolerate, and feel confident that we can overcome anything else life levels us.
My best friend and I have known each other for 15 (!!!) years, and we still laugh at that two-year sprint in senior high school when we refused to say a word to each other. In a milieu that insists on treating people as disposable commodities, there’s a certain intimacy that comes with being around those who work through problems rather than throw us away.
Generations by Angel Martinez appears weekly at PhilSTAR L!fe.
