Ghosting and how not to be spooked by it
Have you ever been “ghosted”—not by spooks and spirits, but by a real, breathing, living being?
“Ghosting,” in today’s modern context, simply refers to suddenly cutting off all communication with someone with nary an explanation or goodbye. One simply vanishes like an apparition… or a ghost!
This chilling turn in one’s relationships is worse than being stood up on a date or appointment. “Ghosting” can leave the other person clueless, upset or even anxious, making them wonder about what might have caused this act or behavior. Here, let us look into this issue as brought forth by a reader.
You’ve been ‘ghosted’? Let them go
Q: I have read about and heard the term “ghosting” several times and I used to wonder what it meant and how the word came about. I know it does not refer to “ghosts” associated with Halloween and haunted houses, but would the digital age’s concept of “ghosting” describe people who suddenly disappear from your circle of friends without warning or explanation? What should we do when we are “ghosted” by a close friend, as in this individual drops out of circulation and ignores our calls or texts without so much as an excuse? –Marie N.
A: Ghosting, according to Wikipedia, is the act of suddenly ending a relationship and cutting off all communication without the courtesy of an explanation or prior warning. Suddenly this person stops replying to messages, avoids voice calls, and may even block you on social media, leaving you stumped and bewildered over their reason for doing so. Yes, they seem to vanish… like a ghost.
While ghosting is most common among those who are into online dating and romantic relationships, it can also happen in friendships, family dynamics, professional settings, and even when one is seriously ill.
Let’s take it one at a time.
Dating
This is the most common usage of ghosting. Your newfound online match whom you think may be “the one” suddenly ignores your texts or unmatches you on the dating app after you go on a few dates or even after months of talking.
While ghosting is quick and often obvious, it can also be a gradual process. Watch out for early signs that someone might soon be ghosting you:
- They start making excuses for being unable to join your plans to get together.
- They won’t commit to agreements or future activities.
- They don’t like sharing personal information.
- They shun deeper connections like meeting your friends and family.
- They start being “inactive” on social media.
- They rarely respond to your texts or calls.
- They show a lack of interest in your conversations.
- They avoid talking about matters that would require them to bare their personal feelings or experiences.
If the person does not respond to your efforts to reignite your relationship and worse, stops showing up altogether, then you must accept it. Accept that no response is a response.
Let them go. Your ego might have taken a hit but not your spirit. Allow yourself to move on by keeping in mind that their inconsiderate behavior says more about their immaturity and lack of character than your worth as a romantic partner.
Friendships
Ghosting can also happen among friends in several ways and one of them is on social media. This involves being cut off from all means of communication by another person by being “unfriended” on Facebook or “unfollowed” or “blocked” on other social media platforms. The other party could even go the extreme of deactivating or deleting their social accounts to prevent any means of contact.
Why do people ghost their friends?
There are several reasons why this can happen:
To avoid confrontation and awkwardness.
Some people are wary of confrontation or having to deal with someone whose feelings they may have hurt so they simply cease all communication, hoping that the other person can take a hint. Quitting ties “cold turkey” may also mean dodging awkward attempts to explain why sustaining a friendship is no longer an option.
When an old friendship slips through the cracks.
I have witnessed people ending years of friendship over a thoughtless remark or a simple greeting that did not sit well with one or the other person. Sometimes the words are said without malice or intent to hurt but no one knows if cracks had previously existed in the relationship, making it fragile and vulnerable to perceived offenses. The result may be the abrupt breakup of a friendship that no one ever thought would fall apart. In such cases, ghosting may be the easiest way out.
Decluttering friends’ lists or realizing that one has outgrown some friends.
Sometimes as people age and mature, their capacity to put up with some friends’ endless drama and emotional neediness declines. Certain demands and expectations take their toll on their psyches, so quite suddenly and out of the blue, they decide that they must protect their peace in the remaining years of their lives. All too often this comes with a resolute need to “downsize” their normal social circles and will thus only remain engaged with a select few with whom they feel most comfortable.
To our reader who seeks clarity about the idea of “ghosting,” check the aforementioned for any that might apply to the late, unlamented friend who has obviously “ghosted” you. I suggest that you stop trying to reel them back into your orbit. They have made their point. If they really want to get in touch again, they will. Or they won’t.
To sum it up, when someone declines your invitations at every turn, avoids taking or returning your calls, ignores your messages, and adamantly refuses to share very personal information, they are “ghosting” you. It’s no longer a hint; it’s a blatant message and no one needs to rub it into your cerebrum.
But please don’t take offense. It might just be the change you need as you pursue your life path. Focus on your other friends who have more time for, and share common interests with, you. Life goes on.
Professional relationships and ghosting in the workplace
Ghosting can also happen in the workplace where it manifests in several ways. An unfortunately common experience is when a job seeker who appears very qualified for—and is keenly interested in—a position is informed that he has been hired and may report for work on an appointed date. However, this newly hired person is a no-show on that day—no call, no text, and no excuse at all. The applicant may have a perfectly plausible reason not to make it but resorts to “ghosting” the company instead.
This is deplorably unprofessional behavior. Ghosting a potential employer could have repercussions in this country’s small corporate world, something to keep in mind at all times.
Finally, how to respond to all forms of ghosting?
Do nothing because that will be most empowering to you as a person. Silence is a strong and definite answer to ghosting. Do not chase “ghosts” or send them hurtful words. Such will be a colossal waste of your time and energy. Instead, recognize this “sudden disappearance” as a lack of communication skills on their part. Come to think of it, ghosts display an abysmal lack of good manners so you’re better off without them, right?
