Floating amid the uncertainties, or why it’s perfectly ok to let go, feel tired, and ask for help
Two years ago, the universe decided to throw us a curveball in the form of a global pandemic and life was never the same.
We were forced to slow down and make sudden changes to our routines. We were given no choice but to stay put. Some of us were able to adapt faster than others while there were some who barely kept themselves afloat. It was sink or swim. For me, it was a cycle of swimming and sinking.
The first lockdown unearthed anxieties which didn’t exist before. Activities which were previously therapeutic for me, such as grocery-shopping and walking outdoors, suddenly became stressful. The slightest sniffle which I previously just dismissed as allergies had me worried if what I was experiencing was a symptom. For someone who enjoys being in the company of other people, I suddenly became afraid of crowds.
I was one of those who got themselves into one or more pandemic hobbies. Sushi bake? Yes. Workout? Six times a week. Baked cookies? You bet. Enrolled in a certification course? Passed with flying colors. I stocked up on wine and binged watched K-dramas on Netflix, finishing one in three days. Despite the surrounding chaos, I felt getting stuck at home did not feel as bad.
But then, I realized I come from a place of privilege.
I always try to keep my privilege in check. I can see my friends and dine out whenever quarantine restrictions permit. I had the luxury to go on vacations despite the situation. I was getting some semblance of normalcy more than others and a number of times, I’ve felt guilty for it.
I asked myself, am I allowed to feel depressed given how fortunate I am? Should I just keep my anxieties to myself? Am I just being dramatic? Are my feelings valid or should I dismiss them as my concerns might be trivial compared to the plight of others? Most of the time, I chose to do the latter, thinking that eventually this would be all over soon and the world would go back to normal again. I was hopeful.
The series of lockdowns turned my hope into a never-ending cycle of passion projects, immediately starting a new one whenever one finishes. I was so convinced that I was winning over my anxieties and that I was handling this pandemic mental marathon pretty well. Or so I thought.
One day, in the middle of the third lockdown, I suddenly hit a wall and my anxiety levels shot up. It came without a warning. It led to me losing focus at work and it was a struggle to carry on my usual activities. I drove around with no particular destination. I felt defeated, stuck, and trapped that no amount of wine nor endorphins could help. Everything suddenly felt uncertain. Physically, I was not tired but mentally, I was drained. I was burnt out and unhappy. I felt frustrated because I felt like a significant chunk of my life was being taken away from me.
We all have our bouts and it’s okay to let go at times. We do not always have to put up a strong front and we are allowed to get tired.
It dawned on me that my anxieties never really went away. I just conveniently shoved them under my yoga mat or hid them inside the countless banana breads I baked. It blew up on my face when I least expected it. It caught up to me because I lost all the energy to keep swimming. The end being nowhere near in sight felt like being on a hamster mill, running in circles but making no progress. When is this ever going to end?
Three weeks into 2022 and the Philippines has just reached the highest number of COVID-19 cases since the pandemic started. My family has successfully dodged the virus but with cases here and there, it feels like it’s just a matter of time before any of us gets infected and my mind has been churning anxious thoughts non-stop. I got exposed to colleagues who tested positive and I have comorbidities, what if I get it? What if I become a carrier and infect my parents? My head hurts, is it a symptom? Did I just hear a sneeze? Did I spray enough alcohol on my hands?
I had to pause and breathe before my anxieties consumed me entirely. I opened up to friends and it made me realize that I am not alone in this. We all have our bouts and it’s okay to let go at times. We do not always have to put up a strong front and we are allowed to get tired. We can stop swimming for a while and just float whenever we need to rest for a bit then swim again once we’ve regained strength.
If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s to focus on what’s within our control. There is no one size fits all way to handle our anxieties. If you need to burn sage and meditate, do it. If you feel like posting throwback photos of your travels on Instagram, by all means, post it.
There’s no shame in asking for help. Get a drink and talk to a friend if you must. Write down your thoughts if it helps you process them. Do whatever you think is best for your mental health. We need to not only be physically strong but it’s also essential that we have the mental fortitude to overcome the uncertainties.
At the end of the day, everyone is just trying to get out of this pandemic alive, literally and figuratively.
If you need someone to talk to, you can callNew National Center for Mental Health Crisis Hotlines at 0917 899 8727 and 989 8727, or the Natasha Gouldbourn Foundation at (02) 804-HOPE (4673), 0917 558 4673 and 0917 558 2919.