Romantic swindlers. . . And foolish hearts
Foolish heart, hear me calling. Stop before you start falling...” Steve Perry’s hit song in the early ’80s comes to mind as some Pinays are reportedly falling prey to online predators. A letter sender now wants to know how she can help rescue a friend from one such “romantic swindler” who has her besotted heart in a tight grip.
Times have changed... even for couples happily planning for their wedding. These days, I share a bridal couple’s sentiments: boundaries may be set that over-enthusiastic parents must heed.
Facebook is a platform from which people can renew—and sustain—ties with old kin and acquaintances, get updates about life and lifestyles, and hopefully gain more friends. These are the fun parts. However, other people like turning FB into their personal journals, sharing details that a letter sender finds distasteful. Here, we candidly advise them to simply scroll past—or deactivate their account. If FB is not for you, move on to other platforms you like. Live and let live!
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QUESTION: I have a good friend who is educated, intelligent, warm and friendly. Now in her ‘70s, she has had a brilliant career here and overseas before being afflicted with serious health issues that have confined her to a wheelchair. Despite her disabilities, she remains active in her social circle, gamely accepting invitations even to out-of-town events. Life was good until her siblings discovered that she had fallen hard for a guy she met online who is obviously a scammer. Dangling the prospect of marriage to my besotted friend, the scammer sweet-talked her into sending money to him for various reasons. Her family has tried to cut her losses by taking control of her finances and confiscating her devices. But she now calls on unsuspecting friends to do it for her. She continues to ignore the red flags and her family’s attempts to convince her that she has fallen victim to a swindler. How can I help “rescue” my friend from this insidious scammer?
ANSWER: An acquaintance has a mouthful to say about how these online romantic swindlers operate. “Their modus operandi are similar,” she says. “They get their victims to fall in love with them first, promising them the world... and marriage. Once the ladies are hooked, they come up with a ‘money crisis’ and say they need a loan to deal with it. To prove intent to pay, the scammers send fake checks or other fraudulent modes of payment.”
We checked out one particular name and noted that the romantic swindler claims an assortment of jobs or professions: airline pilot, cargo ship captain, military officer, and even offshore rig operator. These provide him the perfect alibi when his victims suggest meet-ups or video calls. “We have a weak signal where I am right now” and “I’m right in the middle of the Indian Ocean” are just two of his excuses.
Romantic predators are adept at hounding emotionally vulnerable women who might accept them initially as “friends.” After getting these ladies to trust them with a few weeks of harmless flirting on Chat, they embark on an old-fashioned courtship, albeit virtually, that sweeps these women off their feet. You think these ladies are an easy mark because they are single, lonely and gullible? You’d be surprised to know that most victims are bright, socially well-adjusted, and have thriving careers.
Remember that romantic swindlers are skilled con artists and know what buttons to push at different times. As soon as their targets have succumbed to their play, the scammers move in for the “kill” and at this point, it may be quite tough to get the victim out of the dense haze of romantic illusion.
But there’s no harm in trying especially if you care about your friend. First, show your victim-friend some evidence that her gorgeous beau is a predator that prowls online for potential victims. Tell her about his multiple personalities and various professions. Suggest that she views the docu-movie, The Tinder Swindler. Second, spur her family into confronting the scammer himself, using the victim’s account. They must warn him that further harassment of the victim will be reported to the National Bureau of Investigation’s cybercrime division. Third, if the confiscation of the victim’s gadgets such as her laptop, computer and mobile phone simply drives her to seek her friends’ support, the family must enlist the latter’s help in thwarting what can be a painfully embarrassing, costly and completely avoidable episode.
Wedding dilemmas
QUESTION: My fiancée and I are based abroad and plan to hold our wedding in the Philippines. We have decided to invite our close friends here, some of whom will be flying to Manila. The rest of our guest list will comprise a few old classmates from both high school and college and select childhood friends. However, our parents are aspiring to include at least a set of our close relatives from both sides who are reportedly excited to see us get married. But when we did the math, the costs turned out to be way beyond our budget. We would rather spend our extra resources on a Southeast Asian honeymoon trip. How do we decline their request without hurting their feelings?
ANSWER: Times have changed and you just have to explain this clearly to your folks. Weddings have become increasingly intimate affairs that are made more meaningful by the presence of people with whom the couple has shared history. Your parents would surely appreciate the fact that holding your wedding in the Philippines presents a solid advantage: they and members of your immediate families will be spared the steep costs that travel preparations and the actual trip entail, while you and your bride will have access to affordable—and readily available— services such as event specialists, custom-made wedding attires, and even a vast range of beautiful venues.
Let them know how you are resolute about sticking to your budget. Note that some parents may offer to help with the costs just so you can accommodate their choice of guests so be prepared to say “no” if you want to keep it intimate or “yes” if they only want to add one more table to the reception. It’s your wedding, so it’s your call.
Oh, and didn’t I mention that “times have changed”? One word: boundaries. Trust me, boundaries are a great way to embark on this journey of a lifetime.
QUESTION: My parents separated when I was six and have their own families now. I grew up with my mom and her husband who was an incredibly thoughtful and caring father as he helped her raise me and my two siblings. On the other hand, my birth father rarely made his presence felt in my life apart from going to my debut and important events like my graduation. Tradition has it that my birth dad must have the honor of giving me away during the wedding march, but my heart tells me that the father who was there for me all those years should do it. On my wedding day, should I give way to tradition or should I follow my heart?
ANSWER: Follow your heart. Go ahead and grant your stepdad the singular honor of marching you down the aisle. To be sure, your choice will present a compelling statement to—not to mention raise a few eyebrows among—your wedding guests, particularly your family: your mother, your siblings, and your close kin. Your groom’s own family will likewise get a glimpse of your headstrong nature. In this day and age, however, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. After all, come your wedding day, if every soul you and your groom invited truly deserves to be present, then they will in all likelihood understand your decision, or better yet—share your sentiments.
Facebook drama
QUESTION: I have conflicting opinions about Facebook. I’m all for using the platform to stay connected with friends and kin, to be updated about family milestones, the latest travel destinations, and newest dining hotspots, etc. This virtual access is the next best thing to keeping abreast of people you would otherwise miss, right? However, I draw the line at oversharing... at how some FB users post about stuff that is best kept private or should be simply glossed over. Do FB friends actually care to know about family scandals, domestic spats, toxic partners, bouts of depression, quarrelsome neighbors… Should I just scroll on, push the mute button, unfollow, or go all the way to “unfriend”?
ANSWER: I’d say: Do what makes you happy! Mark Zuckerberg founded Facebook precisely as a platform from which people can renew— and sustain—ties with old kin and acquaintances, get updates about life and lifestyles, and hopefully gain more friends that they can readily communicate with. These are the fun parts. And like all FB users, you are in control. The options? You can declutter your contacts list or give it a boost. You can accept or decline friend requests. You can even do amateur sleuthing to track down an ex or an old admirer. Yes, it’s fun if and when you want it to be.
I mentioned “if” because when users turn Facebook, the world’s largest social media platform, into their personal journals, you and the rest of its three-billion-plus active users worldwide may choose to be entertained or repelled by it.
In your case, your aversion for other people’s drama gives you a few choices: get off FB or keep just a few select, carefully vetted friends. You may also opt to “unfriend” those whose posts turn you off. Fun and entertainment? Don’t hold your breath. If I may be candid about it, my advice for you is to just deactivate your FB account. Let other users post whatever they want—it’s their life and it’s their timelines.
