New dating trend: What is ghostlighting and what makes it more toxic than ghosting?
Ever heard of the term "ghostlighting"?
This new dating trend is being talked about lately on TikTok. According to USA Today, it's even worse than ghosting as it's combined with another major red flag in relationships: gaslighting.
In an interview with PhilSTAR L!fe, dating and relationship expert Mezhal Ulao put it simply: "Think of it as ghosting with a side of 'No, I didn’t.'"
"It’s when someone vanishes (or ghosts you) for a significant amount of time, then suddenly reappears and acts like they never left," he said. "When you try to call them out on their absence, they use gaslighting tactics to make you doubt your own memory. They might claim they sent a text that you 'must have missed' or tell you that you’re 'making a big deal out of nothing.'"
What makes ghostlighting more toxic than gaslighting?
Ghostlighting creates a toxic cycle of abandonment and rescue that can be difficult to break.
"It uses your own relief against you," Ulao explained. "After being ghosted, you might feel a rush of 'happy chemicals' when they finally reach back out. Because you’re so relieved they aren’t 'gone for good,' your brain is much more willing to accept their lies just to keep them around."
It can be draining, noted Ulao, because it can lead to self-doubt as you start checking your phone logs and dates like a detective, wondering if you actually did miss a text; relationship paranoia as you become hyper-vigilant, always waiting for the next disappearance; and emotional burnout as you spend more energy trying to understand their behavior than actually enjoying the connection.
Signs you're being ghostlighted
Per Ulao, some people tend to ghostlight who they're dating to avoid accountability. "It could be because they don’t want to explain why they left or deal with your (very valid) anger, or they want to keep you as an option without doing the actual work of being a consistent partner," he explained.
He added that it may also have something to do with their desire for control. "By making you doubt your reality, they keep the upper hand in the relationship dynamic," he said.
How do you know if you're being ghostlighted? The biggest sign, per Ulao, is that "Wait, what?" feeling in your gut.
Ulao also enumerated these red flags to help you tell if you're being ghostlighted:
- They text you after weeks of silence with a casual “Hey, what’s up?” as if it’s only been five minutes.
- They insist they replied to you or that you were the one who went silent.
- They blame “glitches” or “bad service” for a disappearance that lasted way too long for that to be true.
- If you express hurt, they turn it around and say you’re being “too intense” or “possessive.”
What to do
If you realized you've been ghostlighted, the dating and relationship expert advised trusting your receipts. "If your phone says they didn’t call for two weeks, they didn’t call. Period," he said.
It's also important to remember that you don't have to win an argument with the ghostlighter. "If they are lying about the silence, they aren’t someone you can build trust with."
If you think it's too much for you, Ulao suggested sending them a "final word" text. "You can say something like, 'I know there was a two-week gap where I didn’t hear from you. I’m looking for something consistent, so I’m going to move on. All the best.'"
It might even be best to remove and block them from your socials. "Ghostlighters thrive on the back-and-forth. Cut off the oxygen by ending the conversation," he advised.
When it comes to matters of the heart, Ulao noted that love shouldn't feel like a puzzle you need to solve. "Healthy people don’t disappear and then lie about it. If you have to prove to someone that you exist or that your time matters, they’ve already shown you they aren’t your person."
"Real connection is built on consistency," he continued. "If they’re ghostlighting, they’re showing you they aren’t ready for a real relationship—and you deserve someone who actually stays in the room."