There's more than sadness to grieving
It's been three years since my grandmother passed away, and navigating life without her has been a profound journey. Having lived with our family since I was a child, her presence was a constant in my life. I cherish countless memories, from our mornings filled with the aroma of her lukewarm coffee to our evenings watching her play solitaire.
During my senior high school years and first year of college, I lived in a condo near my university for practical reasons. Whenever I returned home, my grandmother would always prepare home-cooked meals, a tradition I still hold dear.
Nostalgia often brings these memories flooding back, reminding me of the immense significance my grandmother held in my life. Three years after her passing, I realized that I was, and still am, grieving. While the intensity has lessened, it manifests in various emotions: regret, sadness, and fondness.
Channeling regret
Whenever grief washes over me, I find myself reflecting on my regrets, sadness, and shortcomings. These thoughts arise when I remember not being there for her during her final moments, learning about her passing through a phone call one morning.
My immaturity prevented me from fully realizing certain things. I now recognize that I may have taken my grandmother's presence for granted.
While I believe I did my best to fulfill my filial duties as her grandson, I also feel I could have been more understanding during our conversations, especially considering our generational differences and differing upbringings.
Through periods of introspection, I've realized that these regrets stem from the love I failed to fully express. If I had the financial means back then, I could have bought her the things she wanted, like the stuffed toys she considered friends.
If I had learned to manage my time better, I could have spent more time bonding with her.
However, instead of dwelling on these regrets, I've channeled my energy into living my life in a way that honors my grandmother. Whether big or small, I've developed a habit of acknowledging her in my accomplishments, a way to show my affection even though we are now separated by realms.
In the process of confronting my grief, I've learned to value every moment of life, because you never know when loss will strike and shatter you. While traveling to my province used to feel like a laborious journey, I now find myself wanting to return more often to reminisce and spend time with my extended family.
Regrets in grieving are often perceived as negative, but I've learned that they can act as a silver lining, transforming you, especially in how you live your life and express your love.
Fondness that eases the heart
I've also learned that grieving isn't solely about negative emotions. Grief, paired with nostalgia, can lead to reminiscing about fond memories that bring warmth to the heart.
Through little things, I'm reminded of my grandmother, whether it's her antics or some of her favorite things in life. Over the past years, I've learned to view my grief in a different light, one that radiates positivity.
Grieving can be seen as a way of loving. We can transform it into a celebration of our loved ones' greatness. We can also navigate the space between pain and comfort to find the warmth we've missed.
Handling grief
Society has conditioned us to quickly process our emotions of sadness and grief so that we can move on with our lives. But the past three years have taught me that it's not an easy process. Instead, I've decided to hold onto this grief, my love undelivered, and handle it with care.
I will use my grief as motivation to live life to the fullest, cherish the people I love, and learn more about myself.
To others, I hope you choose to confront your emotions instead of running away from them. While it may break your heart, it's through acknowledging the pain that you'll be able to begin healing.
