When good manners mean being courteous, kind, and quiet

There are various situations—at home, in the workplace, on the streets, at retail establishments, and in other public places—where our patience is often tested. How we respond to such sources of aggravation frequently presents a challenge to most of us.

Anyone would assert that it is normal to feel upset or angry when there’s good reason to be. But don’t you agree that staying cool, even when provoked, is more rewarding in the long run? Think about those times when the rules of civility helped us keep a lid on our temper, and when kindness and a bit of sensitivity helped us sleep better at night.

Indeed, we must remember that under no circumstances is verbal abuse justifiable. A letter sender invoked this rule when he related having witnessed a scene in which an irate mall shopper behaved insolently toward a security guard.

Belligerence has no place in a shopping mall

Q: While shopping at a mall recently, I came upon an angry female shopper loudly berating a security guard in public. The woman looked affluent—she was well-dressed and wore an expensive watch. I didn’t know at the time what caused her outburst, but the poor guard looked extremely embarrassed. After the shopper walked away, I asked the guard what had happened, and he said the lady had asked him for directions to a restaurant she was going to. However, being newly assigned to the mall, the guard was unfamiliar with it. This irked the customer, who blurted out expletives.

Sadly, this is a recurrent but totally unnecessary incident in large shopping establishments. It usually happens to restaurant waitstaff, servers, store attendants, helpers, cleaners and other service personnel who get scolded by customers for the slightest mistake.

I’m wondering now: Can we, as bystanders, do something whenever we witness this?—Sam P.

A: Thank you for bringing this to the column’s attention. We all know that many customers expect store and restaurant employees to deliver good service at all times. And as patrons who bring business to these establishments, we may feel justified in calling out shortcomings so that service can improve.

However, the issue that needs to be resolved is this: in doing so, must we deprive another person of their dignity and self-respect? Remember that our seemingly good intention to point out faults or mistakes does not warrant behavior that belittles others.

Referring to the case of the female shopper and the security guard, you, as a bystander, could have stepped in and helped defuse the situation.

The next time you find yourself in a similar scenario, one approach would be to calmly say: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’ve been to the restaurant you’re looking for. May I show you the way?”

If she declines your offer or if it fails to calm her down, your next step may be to go to customer service and inform them that a mall visitor needs assistance. They can then help and possibly spare the security guard from further embarrassment. This may require going out of your way, but your good deed for the day is to demonstrate how service staff should be treated—with courtesy. Your act of kindness might even rub off on her.

At this point, allow me to borrow a page from my book Pinoy Manners, where my late friend Bong Osorio—former columnist of The Philippine STAR, professor, and communications consultant—wrote about dealing with difficult people:

“We will always encounter difficult people—bullies, creeps, tyrants, tormentors, despots, backstabbers, oppressors, persecutors, egomaniacs, and, pardon the profanity, assholes. We’ll meet them everywhere: at home, at work, and at play. They will come in varying degrees and configurations, and they will affect our professional and personal lives at varying levels.

“Never allow them to get the better of us. Develop a calculated level of apathy and emotional aloofness toward them. In work environments littered with difficult people, being uninterested and impassive will allow us to survive and permit us to go on with our business and life unencumbered.

“On the other hand, there’s no excuse for rude behavior. We may be powerful, but we shouldn’t flaunt our power. Worse, we shouldn’t act powerful when, in reality, we aren’t. Mistreating others is a sure sign of ‘assholism.’”

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6 questions you should never ask (even as jokes)

Q: Can you give us some tips on certain questions or casual expressions we tend to use in normal conversations that may not be proper? These are usually seen as inappropriate or lacking in delicadeza, even when said as a joke. What examples can you share?

A: Here are six questions that must be avoided:

On appearance: “Tumaba ka ba?” or “Hoy, ang taba mo ngayon, a!” The flipside would be: “Bakit ang payat-payat mo? Nagkasakit ka ba?”

While we Pinoys often greet friends we haven’t seen in a while with remarks about their appearance, commenting on weight—whether lost or gained—is treading on tricky ground. Even jokingly saying, “Anong nangyari sa iyo? Dati sexy ka!” may not amuse someone who is dealing with weight gain.

If you are genuinely impressed by a positive change, make them feel good by saying: “You don’t look much older than when we were in high school. What’s your secret?” or “You’ve always looked younger than your age. How do you do it?”

On the other hand, someone who has lost considerable weight might not appreciate having it pointed out. Saying “Ang payat mo ngayon!” may unnerve someone—especially if they are trying to gain weight or are dealing with a health issue.

Are you pregnant? Avoid asking this when you see a friend who has gained weight around her midsection. She may be struggling to lose excess weight, and assuming she has a baby bump is hardly encouraging. This question has no place, even in friendly banter.

As a rule of thumb: When in doubt, don’t. If you must say something, simply say, “You look good!” or “You’re blooming!”—but only if you mean it.

Here are four more questions you must refrain from asking a female acquaintance—even when you’re sorely tempted—unless she brings them up first:

Why are you still single? Quite candidly, it’s none of your business. While this was once a common question from well-meaning relatives, today, many women prioritize careers or personal goals. Being probed about life choices can be intrusive and annoying.

Why don’t you have a baby yet? This is a highly sensitive issue for many couples. You don’t know if they are trying, unable, or have chosen not to have children. Asking “Wala pa ba?” can be hurtful and inappropriate.

Nagpa-Botox ka ba? "Nagpagawa ka ba ng ilong?" Even if such procedures seem obvious, it is improper to point them out casually or jokingly. If your friend wishes to share, they will. Until then, it’s best left unsaid.

Is it true that you’ve ended your marriage? Why? Was there a third party?

While some people overshare on social media, many value their privacy. Avoid asking these questions unless they open up to you first—and even then, listen quietly and offer advice only when asked.