This Valentine's Day, don't forget your friends

Every week, PhilSTAR L!fe explores issues and topics from the perspectives of different age groups, encouraging healthy but meaningful conversations on why they matter. This is Generations by our Gen Z columnist Angel Martinez.

This statement may sound like a reach to any outsider looking in, but female friendship is a soul tie like no other. My girls have seen me through awkward phases and monumental life changes, with a spiritual bond that is akin to devotion. It’s a shame such connections are so often lost to new romantic partners.

It’s not an isolated incident or a product of my bitterness. A scientific study from Oxford University’s Institute of Cognitive and Evolutionary Anthropology has pointed out that a romantic relationship replaces two close friends on average, leaving lovers with a smaller circle than what they started with.

I feel like I’m constantly a statistic: one of the unlucky few weeded out by the weighty presence of a new partner. I’ve had old friends dodge dinner invites with unimaginative excuses, or bring boyfriends to what was supposed to be a girls’ night out. In the rare instance they show up alone, our conversations turn into one-sided story times about their budding romance. As happy as I am for them, I can’t deny that it can be disrespectful of my time and energy.

When it happens to us, we are not only supposed to sweep it under the rug. There’s an unspoken agreement that we help pick things up when they inevitably fall apart. Never mind the fact that they were virtually unreachable during our time of need. Is it not human to harbor at least some feelings of resentment? Why must we subject our relationships to a forced-ranking system?

Psychologist Jan Patrick Magpantay tells PhilSTAR L!fe that it comes down to shifting emotional priorities: “This happens because romantic relationships usually fulfill deeper emotional needs such as intimacy, attachment, validation, and security.” He adds that humans are wired to form close pair bonds, as per attachment theory, which makes it natural for us to search for our person.

Other factors include emotional novelty and intensity, since new relationships "activate strong emotions and dopamine responses, making the partner feel more exciting and rewarding than familiar friendships," Magpantay adds. "There’s identity development, too. At this stage, people are figuring out who they are in relationships, and sometimes they over-invest in their romantic identity while unintentionally neglecting friendships."

Research also shows that those in relationships tend to gravitate towards one another, either out of convenience or the need to solidify their identity as a unit. By effectively singling out their unpartnered friends, they close themselves off to alternative perspectives and reinforce the importance of staying as a couple. 

I’ve heard some women refer to their boyfriends as their best friends and isolate themselves from their barkadas in the process. Suddenly, his hobbies, interests, and social circles are now hers. The two of them turn into a satellite. But I believe that there are clear differences between how partners and friends function in our lives. 

True friendship is where we are seen, supported, and understood unconditionally. No need to perform, calculate, or conform to shifting expectations. These people helped us build the rich interior world we are now sharing with someone else, and loved us before anyone else ever entered the picture.

Nurturing these ties is not only how we do right by our friends—it’s also healthy for romantic relationships. “It’s a huge mistake to feel guilty for having personal hobbies or hanging out with your single friends. It is not disloyal to have a life outside of your partner. In fact, bringing new stories and fresh energy back home is exactly what keeps a relationship from getting stale,” psychologist Jannah Trixie Cuevas tells L!fe.

To be fair, we’ve made strides in favor of friendship in recent times. A viral Vogue UK article from late last year boldly proclaimed that having boyfriends is now considered embarrassing. Community spaces and hobby groups, both online and offline, are thriving, while platonic life partnerships are entering the mainstream, as some foreigners opt to raise families with best friends rather than husbands.

But we have to admit that we have a long way to go before our desire for romantic love is fully, collectively decentered. In fact, I’m not sure if it will happen at all, which is fine by me. I’m not calling for the abolition of Valentine’s Day anyway. All I want is to remain in my friends’ lives, as they navigate what it means to be with someone.

Remaining our own person while actively enmeshing ourselves in another takes conscious effort. Often, people turn codependent, “losing themselves in a relationship and struggling to know where they end and their partner begins,” as said in an article for Refinery29. Yet, if we truly care about those closest to us, it will be second nature to honor previous commitments and traditions; to keep in touch, even if it’s just through sending memes or replying to stories; to never loop in the boyfriend without explicit permission.

As for those stuck in singlehood, a rule of thumb: Maybe give your taken friends a grace period, where they might float in and out of your life. I figured it’s a natural consequence of finally welcoming a long-awaited soulmate.

Personally, I’d be alright with my best friend’s unavailability during spontaneous hangouts. However, if I’m in a rut and I reach out for help, I expect her to be there. If she routinely fails me, personal experience has taught me to acknowledge my emotions, rather than have excuses ready.

After months of giving an ex-BFF the benefit of the doubt for refusing to meet up, I finally confronted her about feeling neglected since she got a boyfriend. Unfortunately—or not, depending on how you look at it—I promptly lost her when she refused to admit her mistakes.

Such conversations are ways you can “start to value your own time as much as theirs,” in Cuevas’ words. “If you’re always the one shifting your plans to fit their narrow window, you’re accidentally teaching them that your life is a secondary priority.” 

As Magpantay points out, healthy development involves balance. "Long-term emotional well-being relies on maintaining both romantic and platonic connections. Friends provide social support, emotional grounding, and identity stability—things that a romantic partner alone cannot fully replace," he says.

It’s a common mistake to make: to assume that true friends will always understand and accommodate, even at their own expense. Yet, don’t you think that those who have been there ever since deserve better treatment? Just because these connections stay platonic doesn’t mean they’re less important, or that the love they give is not enough. In reality, boyfriends may come and go, but these are the relationships that can last until the very end.

Generations by Angel Martinez appears weekly at PhilSTAR L!fe.