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[OPINION] The existential and ontological deconstruction of the 21st-century Potato Corner service crew

By Joel Pablo Salud Published Aug 22, 2023 9:09 pm

*Warning: Tongue in someone else’s cheek

Preferably female, good visual impact and pleasing personality, weight must be proportionate to height, and have clear complexion, eyesight, and good set of teeth.”

In a world where anyone can identify as Mr. Bean in fire-pink Barbie overalls and get away with it, looking for a Greek goddess to work as service crew of the popular snack company, Potato Corner, could land you in a charge of blasphemy and a declaration of persona non grata.

I mean, “preferably female” with “good visual impact” and “pleasing personality,” sounds like an indecent proposal for the latest billion-dollar porn flick designed to outmatch Caligula. Euphemism, since the days of the Mesopotamian cuneiform script, has gone a long way to making the unspeakable speakable.

I know people whose idea of “good visual impact” form a pornography of poverty, or a line of bodies impaled, cut, and broken. Remember Prince Vlad Dracula? Good visual impact my gluteus maximus.

Oh, and that line “weight must be proportionate to height”? If you’re a believer in science as much as I have been all my life, you’d know that the proportionality and equilibrium found between the mass of the object, its height, and the gravitational constant by which it is bound equals Gm1m2/r2 or what in everyday parlance means “What the effing hell are you talking about?” 

I mean, how does “good visual impact” or weight-height proportion play a role in the taste and texture of French fries? Can anyone explain this to me in real-time?

My son is a screaming fan of this popular snack brand which, during his college days, he consumed daily. More than half his baon went to this snack. 

Showing him the requirement for a Potato Corner service crew, he commented, face distorted, “What? I pay, I grab, I eat my fries. Who cares about all those? Clean hands, yes, but I don’t think they even included that one.” 

“Clear complexion” comes off like the haunting glow that draws unsuspecting creepy-crawlies to the murderous light of a mosquito zapper. Imagine all these “preferably females” floating around the cubicle, half-irradiated by mall fluorescent bulbs, attracting a variety of hungry males on the lookout for after-work fried potatoes. It’s a horror flick of zombie proportions!

Besides, if you’ve ever fried anything in your life, you’d know that having a clear complexion is a good sign they haven’t fried anything in their entire lives! Why give them the job in the first place? 

“Clear… eyesight,” I believe, is the only requirement worth having as a service crew of any food company. Boiling oil is more than enough reason for that. And if you think that needs a tad more clarification than usual, you’re pathetic.

Now, possessing “a good set of teeth” makes me wonder: What are these people really selling? Themselves or potatoes? But, rethinking my stand, I am forced to conclude that flashing a good smile to market a product really quickly can be effective, you know, little laughs here and there as though salaries come on time. A happy crew can gain a happy tip—every single time. 

Teeth are the one thing you’d regret losing. Believe me, I know. If you’ve noticed, I haven’t been smiling a lot on Facebook lately. It's a personal asset you can’t do without.

And so, I come to my conclusion that good eyesight, a good set of teeth, and clean hands should make up the prerequisites of a good service crew next to being trainable, intelligent, and with the heart to serve. 

More importantly, one should also be able to communicate clearly with fellow service crew members, act independently when needed, and move interdependently with the team when required.

One should be proactive and good with people, a person with not-your-average social skills. A good mind, too, understands, knows, and can explain the product being sold.

In short, social and communication skills trump complexion, height, and good visual impact in any business. As the Mafia.

Lest we forget, a pleasing personality includes the skill and intelligence to communicate, understand safety procedures, can focus on the task at hand. The most displeasing to any corporation is the one who has no talent to do the above regardless of how he or she looks.

Potato Corner has issued an apology, of course, with the promise that they would look into the fiasco. “We deeply regret the oversight,” it said, stressing furthermore that the company will continue to “commit to fostering an inclusive environment.” 

Let me end by saying that “inclusivity” doesn’t only mean gender, ethnicity, and the like. It means, above all, those qualified to do the job.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not reflect the opinions of PhilSTAR L!fe, its parent company and affiliates, or its staff.